Monday, November 19, 2007

Truth, and Nothing But...

In case I may have left you with an impression that our days are just 'sweetness and light', here it is the real deal .... my emotions about foster care have been all over the place for about 7 days. No, it is not hormonal, gratefully. It is the in-your-face, blinding-light realization that this child, Little Boy Blue, is not mine. OK, I know, this is not a surprise and shouldn't be the impetus for an emotional ride.

Yet, here I sit after riding the wave of the unexpected. Coming from me, the 'I hate emotional women' woman, this is all very perplexing.

In so many ways, it was easier for me when Little Boy Blue had weekly visitation with his Mommy. At least at that time, as each Friday came and went, I had the reminder that he was very likely a temporary member of our family. Now, with the weeks coming and going, and no word about his permanent status, I deceive myself into believing that he is forever mine.

The 'what ifs' of his case have me reeling ... the possible long-lost relative in New York that wants a child, or the biological Daddy who may have been in the dark the entire time and really loves Little Boy Blue. I've imagined each and every one of these people when the reality is probably very different.

And an additional unexpected oddity; I'm missing Baby Girl so much it hurts! She has been gone for 6 months!! What is up?? Has my brain's rational function been covering up the truth that sits in my heart? Or have I just been running on adrenaline since Prince Caspian joined us and not allowed my heart to even feel anything remotely emotional??

Whatever the cause, the truth of it is... my heart hurts. My heart hurts for a beautiful baby girl that I loved, still love, will always love. My heart hurts for a baby boy's life who was cut short last week that I loved for a few days and moments. My heart hurts for my family who loves deeply a different baby boy, Little Boy Blue, who marine-crawls, babbles and loves in his own baby way. My heart hurts for those other babies out there who need love, just plain ol' love.

For the raw emotional expression, I apologize. Hopefully, you see transparency ... it is rough terrain some moments, this fostering thing. I am ragged this week; but still thankful...

Thankful that God saw fit to give us hope in the form of Prince Caspian, who is almost ours, in the midst of the fostering chaos; Thankful for a husband who is IT ... the cat's meow; Thankful for Budding Author, my adventurer; Thankful for Little Mommy, my tender-hearted beauty; Thankful for Prince Caspian, my bright curious munchkin... and Thankful for Little Boy Blue, who is my sweet angel baby for the moment.

As I write this I am reminded... none of these gifts are really mine for keeps. They all belong to the Giver of all good gifts. So, ultimately, I am grateful to Him... who saw fit to bless me with these good things. May the glory and honor be Yours, Lord, this Thanksgiving week.


gracie :) said...

Wow. I know what you are talking about. Isn't it strange how emotions just seem to come out of nowhere sometimes? But as you said, that is the terrain of the road we are travelling. I'm so thankful for someone to share this journey with...emotions and all. May we both continue to trust Him who has called us, for He alone is faithful!

Steve Sensenig said...

Oh, Laura...and here I was saying, "Go read our blog!" I certainly did not mean to flaunt our day in the midst of the one you were having. I had no idea. I'm sorry! :(

You and your family have become very precious to Christy and me, and while we are so much more new to the foster/adoptive world, I do feel like I understand some of these emotions already.

I know that today, while we waited for word from court, it was hard to know how I should feel about Hope Giver. I want so badly to consider her "ours", yet I know that things are so far from permanent. Closer, yes. We're one step closer. But still very far...

You are in our thoughts and prayers. And again, please accept my sincerest apology for being insensitive to where you were at today when I posted my comment.

H said...

Oh, Girl. I think you may have my emotions. I've been ridiculously "blah" lately (except for some seriously over-the-top boo-hoos over a bad haircut). I am so thankful that you have the opportunity to experience God's amazing range of emotions, and for the precious children who are the inspiration for them.
Love You!