Tomorrow ... is only a day away!

a 3-month old Little Boy Blue

We are counting the hours! Little Mommy made a beautiful sign for Little Boy Blue to hang in our kitchen. The baseball cake is made (not too pretty) with his name on it. The baby book is off to a good start. Everyone's clothes are ironed and ready for our 6:30 a.m. departure time.

This weekend I spent some time cutting, pasting and reading my blog posts about Little Boy Blue. Remembering all of the ins, outs, ups and downs of the last 15 months makes this adoption seem all the more amazing.

A 17-month old Little Boy Blue

I will post again tomorrow with pictures of his special day ...

I May Be Too Literal ...

Remember how our CPS caseworker mentioned we could adopt Little Boy Blue on the 91st day after the 90-day appeal period ends?? ... I suppose I am too literal for my own good. With all of the talk of moving bouncing around our house, we obviously desire things to progress with the adoption as quickly as possible. Plus, we just want him to be ours, permanently.

We found out today that she was exaggerating. It will take several weeks after the 90-day mark for them to get their documents together and do the official 'presentation' of his file to us. Since we've had him so long, nothing should be a surprise to us. However, we legally have to wait 24 hours after reading his file to say we want to move forward with his adoption. Next we have to sign paperwork and then, and only then, can the final hearing be scheduled.

What is another two or three weeks, I know, I know. And yet, I get my knickers in a twist over things like this. I like all of the information up front. Don't sideswipe me with more 'stuff.' We also found out that Covenant Kids will have to redo our home study to include Prince Caspian. And, they have a mile-long report to file to the court.

A Sigh of Relief and a Look Forward ...

The termination is complete and Little Boy Blue is free to move forward in life and gain a permanent family. I am thrilled for him and thrilled for us. Sadly to say, I don't have any grief at all for the man who contributed to Little Boy Blue's life. He has never seen his son, nor has he ever contacted CPS with any interest in him. He has missed out on this very special life. Given how I feel about Little Boy Blue's Mom, you might think I would be praying for him. The thought has never crossed my mind. Hmmm, something to ponder for another day, I suppose.

For today, I'm just excited and hopeful for his future. Only 90 days until he has a new first and last name and a forever family!! Cheers to you, little one!

Please let it be today ...

You know, I go through these times where I totally and completely forget that Little Boy Blue is our foster baby. Our family functions well and he is one of us after a year of living here. And yet, there are these reminders that throw me back into the land of the living.

His attorney visited on Tuesday, his caseworker last week, his therapist last week and his Covenant Kids caseworker next week. Each month, I have to fill out a report on his life ... and in May I completely and totally forgot to do it. Why? Because it feels like he is mine, why would I need to write down in detail when I put Desitin on his bottom? Seriously, that much detail is required.

Today is the termination for his Dad. I really, really, really pray that this happens today. His case needs to come to a conclusion.

We are Alike, She & I - Part 2

Last Fall, I wrote extensively about Little Boy Blue's Mommy, here and here and here ... It boggles my mind how a stubborn woman like me could ever be changed as drastically as God has changed me. One obvious way He has changed my heart is in relation to Little Boy Blue's Mommy.

After she relinquished her parental rights, I continued to have this burden for her on my heart. She would pop into my brain at least 10 times per day. My hubby & I continued to pray for her salvation and complete recovery and healing. I felt led to have a friend contact several ministries that work with women in jail settings. That same friend and I have also diligently prayed for her ...

A few weeks back, I finally made good on my promise to send Little Boy Blue's family some pictures. I also wrote a letter to his Mommy and one to his Great-Grandmother. My prayer was that in some way I could reassure his Mommy of something, I wasn't sure exactly what... maybe I was just trying to make sure Little Boy Blue would have an open door if he ever wanted to contact her.

I've checked the P.O. Box we set up several times since then and it was always empty. Until yesterday. Two letters sat in that little gray space. My heart raced as I saw one was from his Mommy and one from his Great-Grandmother (GG). Tears just ran down my face as I read of a Mother's love for her son... one that would sacrifice her own desires for his best interest.

Here are a few of her words: "I have a good feeling in my heart about you and God meant for this to happen, no matter how difficult it is for me, I embrace the comfort I feel when I realize he is with other children in a beautiful home, with a creative, kind woman and a good family. I do feel that you have given him a better chance at a good life than I could have in my position... After I signed I knew that I had done the right thing for him, instead of being selfish like I wanted to be."

That stops me cold. She wrote 4 pages along these lines. As I read her words, I felt so happy for Little Boy Blue and the fact that he will get to meet her one day, if he chooses. How wonderful for him to have that option!

And she mentioned God and prayer several times... I have great hope for her life. Maybe one day I'll write her back and tell her about the God I know and how He can pick her up, wrap her in His arms and restore her life. I know from experience that He is faithful.

For today, I bask in her words of affirmation. I no longer have to imagine what she thinks about us having Little Boy Blue, now I know!

Delays of a Legal Sort

Yesterday was Little Boy Blue's supposed 'final hearing.' The DA was planning to terminate his birth Dad's parental rights. They cannot find this man; at one point, they thought he was incarcerated in Odessa. Now, he has disappeared. It is difficult to legally terminate on a missing person. There are many hoops to jump through to make sure 'legal notice' has been sufficient.

So, there was a mistake. One of the attorneys missed something on the citation that was published in the newspaper. The Judge is bound by the law to require proper notice. So, the Judge has put the termination hearing off until June 5; then the permanency hearing on June 13. The 90-day appeal period will not begin ticking until then. We are disappointed, no doubt about that. And yet, so what? So he's not ours until later this year ... does a date change anything about the way we feel? Absolutely not.

He Is Risen!

He is alive!

I awoke today feeling the weariness of a week of absolute craziness. Yesterday, I realized Easter was today! I felt like I was spiritually asleep in terms of what Easter means to me. 5:00 a.m. I awoke with a start. I wanted to go back to sleep so badly. Yet, something stirred within me to get my lazy self up and prepare for the risen Christ.

What a blessing ... I had an opportunity to read the stories of the resurrection in all 4 gospels before anyone got up. It was the perfect thing to get me back in gear and focus on the reason for this special celebration. Plus, it prepared me for the message that was to come when we went with my parents to their church. It was a convicting message that I more than needed to hear about sharing the 'good news' of our faith.



Guess what else happened today .... Little Boy Blue's 1st Birthday! Little Boy Blue is ONE today. What a fun day. I will admit though - making 2 of those cakes in one week was really trying on my patience. And to think that June now holds 4 family birthdays ... just makes me want to shriek and run for cover!


Finally, we have had the distinct honor of having Alex's cousin from London stay with us on and off this week. His funny stories, his french horn, his faith and his delightful accent have been a welcome to our Spring Break. And, as you can tell, he has HUGE fans in our family.

Final Hearing Date ...

A date has been set for Little Boy Blue's final hearing ... March 27th. Yipppeee. That makes the 90-day appeal time ending on June 27th. Great news for our family. It is very hard to believe that we will adopt 2 boys in 2008!

On another note, we have been asked to speak to prospective foster parents in the Sherman/Denison area about our experiences with CPS. The goal is to paint a very realistic picture of what foster-to-adoption is like for families who are entering this process. We are honored to do this for Covenant Kids. Our experiences have been very typical and will hopefully help someone with setting expectations.

It is interesting that they really don't want us to talk much about Prince Caspian's adoption because his situation was very atypical. Usually, children his age are adopted by their foster parents, so a straight adoption through CPS of a young child rarely happens. So, while we would love to talk about our Prince Caspian, he doesn't get to be the focus.

**Tune in later this week as I celebrate my fostering friend, Wendy, who is a single Mom whose faith sharpens mine.

Loving Little Boy Blue

The day began early, early at 2:30 a.m. with my mind reviewing all of the endless possibilities of the upcoming hours. I did not realize how much this day would weigh on both Alex and me.

With Prince Caspian, we were spared all of this. By the time we heard anything about him, both parental rights had been terminated. We never met his biological Mom or Dad. We did not walk in the precarious position of loving-and-letting-go with him. It is beautiful to be able to feel confident in our future with Prince Caspian. With Little Boy Blue, we have borne the ups and downs while, thankfully, he has been blissfully unaware.

We left our house an hour and a half before the court time. (the drive is typically only 45 minutes) On 380, we encountered two very bad accidents and quickly found ourselves hurtling through the countryside, late, to the very thing we have anticipated for so many months. To top it off, we got lost.

Fortunately, the court was back-logged and our timing turned out to be a blessing to us, as well as to Little Boy Blue's Mom. Is it not funny how what we think is the enemy slowing us down, is actually God giving a tidbit of grace to another Mommy's heart??

She decided to relinquish her parental rights to Little Boy Blue.

If we had been there 5 minutes earlier, we would have been in the courtroom when the guards brought her in and we would have had to witness another human being's deepest hour. I am grateful that she was able to be with her family in the courtroom without our distraction.

We were then brought in the courtroom for the admission of evidence relating to the Great-Grandmother and Grandfather. The testimony revealed new information to us; information about abuse on all levels, information about family dysfunction and information that allowed us to see God's hand in removing this one baby from these cycles.

I hurt. My tears are unending for Little Boy Blue's Mommy. My tears are unending for what her life growing up must have been. I cry a river of thankfulness for this baby's life.

We also found out that CPS has located his birth Dad. He is incarcerated in Odessa and has 6 children. The attorneys are working to terminate his rights. And, then the 90 day appeal/intervention period begins. We continue down this long and winding road, one baby step at a time...

For this moment, I just look to tomorrow. Tomorrow Little Boy Blue has a good-bye visit with his Grandfather and Great-Grandmother. The Great-Grandmother is really pushing us, through an attorney, to allow future visits. We are absolutely sticking to our guns on this one. I cannot imagine a situation where it would be in his best interest to continue a relationship. We will always be open with him, and Prince Caspian, about the beauty of adoption and the gift that their biological Moms both gave them. The revelation of additional information will come as they mature appropriately, and not before.

I pray that Little Boy Blue's Mom finds rest. I pray that she knows peace. I pray that she will find Him and He will change her.

The Big Day is Thursday!

12 hours and counting down. The trial is on schedule for tomorrow morning. It has been moved to another court due to a continuing trial. I'm going to assume that the new judge will hear all of the information and be prepared to stand in the shoes of the old judge. Please God, let this be the case.

We've gotten wind that the Great-Grandmother is seeking ongoing visitation for herself and Little Boy Blue's Mom in exchange for Mom's relinquishment. We are NOT on board with this. We do not think this is in Little Boy Blue's best interest. Thankfully, his attorney 100% agrees with us.

I do not know what we are facing tomorrow. This I know; regardless of how relieved we will be to see one more phase of this completed for Little Boy Blue, I still feel a lingering sense of sadness for his Mom.

We are relieved that it does not appear that we will have to testify. I did not relish the thought of being 'in her face' about him. Now, I can concentrate all of my energy on keeping the tears at bay. I do not want to cry - happy or sad tears - in the midst of these people who are suffering.

Will you pray for all of the parties involved? It is not going to be an easy day for any of us.

Until tomorrow,
Laura

One Giant Step Forward ...

As I was sitting here typing an e-mail about how our lack of information on Little Boy Blue's case is driving me crazy, I received an e-mail from our caseworker. She did not get to come for the visit today and instead sent her assistant to view LBB and make sure he was in one piece.

The caseworker's e-mail was fabulous news for our family. Termination trial is set for next Thursday. Assuming the termination happens, there are NO family members willing to take him on a permanent basis!!! NO family members. While that is a very sad thing, we are elated! We have moved up on the list to #1 at this point.

There is always the possibility of a relative intervening during the appeal time (90 days after termination). Yet, this is unlikely.

More information - Little Boy Blue's grandfather wants him to stay with us. He has expressed appreciation for our care and feels like Little Boy Blue belongs here. We are very willing to provide the Grandfather and his Mother, LBB's Great-Grandmother, with pictures and letters. The logistics of protecting our privacy still must be worked out.

Can you believe it?? This precious little one who we have imagined and dreamed to be ours is likely going to be ours. What an indescribable gift.

A Step at a Time...

Little Boy Blue's visit today went well... the transporter said he laughed and played the entire time. She also said that the family is coming to terms with the fact that he may not end up with them. They asked whether (if we got to adopt him) we would be willing to communicate with them and maybe allow visits. Alex and I have talked about this at great length.

We are open for discussion of visits, maybe once per year. We would gladly send lots of pictures and welcome any pictures and letters from their end. Everything would have to go through a middle person to protect the privacy of our family and Little Boy Blue. This may sound crazy to some of you.

I'm obviously speaking very prematurely ... just laying it out there in the 'what if' category. A woman can't help but hope, can she?

A Big Year for Little Boy Blue...

When I think about this year, I've realized that the person who has the most at stake this year in our current 'family' is Little Boy Blue. Prince Caspian is settled. Yes, his adoption will officially take place in March - a huge celebration.

But itty-bitty is the one who has the decision of a lifetime being made for him this year. We received news today that the termination trial starts on January 31st. Little Boy Blue has one more visit with his Grandfather and Great-Grandmother this Friday. They will be bringing a list of relatives who want a home study done to be considered as his permanent family. We are absolutely the back-up plan ... which is a better place to be than no consideration at all, right?

We really are trusting that the very best will happen for Little Boy Blue's life. The thought of letting him go pierces me; and yet we've known all along that either his Mommy or a family member were the first and second choice.

Thank you, thank you, dear friends for praying and loving this baby boy. I know how many hearts will break with ours if we have to say good-bye. Yet, because of the many people we know are praying, we will rest in the answer.

You, each of you, are a blessing to this family. It is so wonderful to walk beside all of you in this life.

Termination is an Ugly Word...

I've really come to hate that word... 'termination.' It sounds ugly to me. Termination of parental rights or 'TPR' is the term used to legally dissolve a parent's right to their child. Involuntary, of course. If it is a voluntary act, it is called 'relinquishment'... not quite so ugly, but permanent, nonetheless.

Little Boy Blue's Mom did not show at the status hearing. Her attorney attempted a 'continuance' to allow her to show and beg for leniency. The Judge said 'No.' So, TPR trial (in front of a jury!) is scheduled for the very end of January. And, since Mom is losing her parental rights, no more visits for Little Boy Blue with Grandfather or Great-Grandmother. Shock to my system.

Before the hearing, Friday morning, CPS called at 8:00 a.m. to see if they could pick Little Boy Blue up at 9:00 a.m. at the 'meeting spot' for a visit. They had forgotten to let me know that the Grandfather & Great-Grandmother wanted to see him. I do not like that type of last minute notice... however, I pulled him together and sent him off, little did I know that it might be his last visit. Usually, we send a letter about his week(s) and some pictures. I was lucky to just get him dressed and his diaper bag ready in 30 minutes.

He came back from the visit at 12:00 noon and he was starving. For some odd reason, no one fed him. So, he went from 7:00 a.m. to Noon without food. We put 2 bottles and baby food in the diaper bag. That makes me spitting mad!

Another weird thing... the CPS transporter said that Grandfather did not come, but that Grandmother was there with Great-Grandmother. CPS had just told me that morning that Grandmother was deceased. So, who is the mystery woman allowed to visit with Little Boy Blue?

The saddest part... CPS told us that Great-Grandmother said there are other family members who want him. She has not been known for complete truthfulness, so all of this is speculative. Home studies must be completed and criminal background checks done before he will ever be moved.

Yet, in the midst of the chaos that surrounds itty-bitty, yesterday morning it was decided that Little Boy Blue would be baby Jesus in our church's Christmas program. I will just take him up and sit him in the manger for all of the other beautiful children to peek upon. He will love that!! If only all watching could know how special is this opportunity for this particular baby boy!!

God, You are so good to us. I've been teary and emotional thinking about our year and the many things You have graciously taught us about real love. What blessing, what joy, what peace!

And with every end, there is a beginning...

Little Boy Blue Come Blow Your Horn...

Here's the update on Little Boy Blue. His Mom has been out of state for almost 3 months. Throughout this period of time, the extended family said they did not know her whereabouts. At the last visit he had with his great-grandmother and grandfather, they admitted to having lied about it all. Plus, CPS received an anonymous call stating "Ms. Smith fled the state. Her parental rights should be terminated and Little Boy Blue given to the family he is with." Odd. (Alex jokingly asked me 'You didn't use our home phone to make that call, did you?'... ha.ha.ha.)

The hearing tomorrow is a status hearing. If Little Boy Blue's Mom comes, she is facing some serious business. Termination is moving forward. His attorney does not want her to have any more visits... she feels it will not be in Little Boy Blue's best interest to see his Mom if her parental rights are being terminated. We'll see what the Judge thinks.

Now for the possibly sad news... the attorney also mentioned that there is a cousin in Georgia who is a CPS caseworker there who could be considered for Little boy blue. There has been no mention of this to us by our CPS worker... and believe me, I've asked a million times about different family members.

So, today I've just reminded myself over and over of why we are doing this. I've prayed almost constantly for a quick resolution to this (thanks to Gracie's reminder weeks ago). And I've thanked God for the joy of loving this little boy. I guess it is that simple - just tell that to my heart!

Here's to sharing our life with you... thank you for your interest and your prayers on behalf of our family. We feel blessed and honored.

P.S. I'm still holding out hope that my strapping Scotsman, Alex, will chime in on this blog over the holidays. He says he has something in the works :) ... he just guards his words much more than I.

Prayers...

There are many competing thoughts in my brain right now. My desire is to get them on paper quickly so that they do not fade with the days. However, I haven't had the time to enter all of the e-mail addresses to make this blog private. I have to enter each e-mail address to send an invite to each of you... the task seems daunting. Yet, I have so much to say... maybe tonight.

For now, Little Boy Blue needs your prayers. Tomorrow is a hearing which will be a turning point in his case. And, as I watch him playing by my feet, I'm grateful that he has no idea what is happening. He is free. Free to just be a little boy, growing, learning and hopefully, feeling loved.

When I do get this blog converted, the first thing I'm going to do is post a few pictures... just so those of you who haven't seen these lovely faces can see who I've been writing about. All of these nicknames have real names and faces behind them!! I promise you something... when you see the faces of Prince Caspian, Little Boy Blue and Baby Girl, you will not believe these are the faces of foster care. Isn't it funny what we convince ourselves to believe about foster children?

On that note... we went to a Christmas party sponsored by Covenant Kids this weekend (even with runny noses). Every single child there (well over 200) was a lovely, beautiful human being with God's fingerprints all over him/her. When I think about it now, I'm so moved. All of these families - welcoming children of different races and backgrounds. It just reminds me of what love is... it is not an easy task. But, oh the joy!

Coming Full Circle

Little Boy Blue returned from his visit today with a new outfit and a new jacket... lucky boy! He is fast asleep after what was a very exciting time (according to the transport worker).

What to say and what not to say... Hmmmm. I have to evaluate almost everything I write here in light of privacy issues. Over these past few months, there are millions of things that I have been unable to communicate due to Little Boy Blue's ongoing case. Also, there are many things that we choose not to tell anyone, even if his legal case were not an issue. Much of this is his story, not mine. Same with Prince Caspian... the story of his biological family is his to tell, we cannot spin it to our liking and present him in a skewed light.

So, back to today... it is now known where Mom is and when she is returning. What is not known is if she will seek to have another chance with CPS. If she seeks and is granted such mercy, she will have a 6-month extension (from the February trial date) to 'work her plan' before the termination trial occurs. Little Boy Blue will then be approaching 18-months. As it is, even if the trial is in February, he will almost be celebrating his first birthday.

The competing sides of this continue to boggle me... the right of Little Boy Blue to have a permanent home (wherever that may be) as soon as possible vs. the right of a Mommy to her child. At one time very recently, I weighed in heavily in favor of Little Boy Blue being with his Mommy. Once she exited without even a word to CPS, I have shifted completely into Mama Bear mode. I still pray for her often - for her wounds to ultimately be healed and her dark perspective to be brought into the Light. However, my intentional focus now is on ensuring Little Boy Blue a safe, loving, stable environment, with or without our family.

So, here we are. We've come full circle, I think. And here we go around the Mulberry bush again... but this time, Little Boy Blue has several very vocal warriors on his side.

A Visit for Little Boy Blue

Boy, I'm surprised that I can still be surprised! I fired up my computer early this morning and there was an e-mail from our CPS caseworker. She has decided to keep Little Boy Blue's case, not just supervise. I am happy.

She has also scheduled a visit tomorrow for Little Boy Blue with his great-grandmother and grandfather. Surprise. Welcome back, Friday!

Still no word from his Mom... still planning to terminate... still no knowledge of family members who want him... still, he's ours. Sigh.

Truth, and Nothing But...

In case I may have left you with an impression that our days are just 'sweetness and light', here it is the real deal .... my emotions about foster care have been all over the place for about 7 days. No, it is not hormonal, gratefully. It is the in-your-face, blinding-light realization that this child, Little Boy Blue, is not mine. OK, I know, this is not a surprise and shouldn't be the impetus for an emotional ride.

Yet, here I sit after riding the wave of the unexpected. Coming from me, the 'I hate emotional women' woman, this is all very perplexing.

In so many ways, it was easier for me when Little Boy Blue had weekly visitation with his Mommy. At least at that time, as each Friday came and went, I had the reminder that he was very likely a temporary member of our family. Now, with the weeks coming and going, and no word about his permanent status, I deceive myself into believing that he is forever mine.

The 'what ifs' of his case have me reeling ... the possible long-lost relative in New York that wants a child, or the biological Daddy who may have been in the dark the entire time and really loves Little Boy Blue. I've imagined each and every one of these people when the reality is probably very different.

And an additional unexpected oddity; I'm missing Baby Girl so much it hurts! She has been gone for 6 months!! What is up?? Has my brain's rational function been covering up the truth that sits in my heart? Or have I just been running on adrenaline since Prince Caspian joined us and not allowed my heart to even feel anything remotely emotional??

Whatever the cause, the truth of it is... my heart hurts. My heart hurts for a beautiful baby girl that I loved, still love, will always love. My heart hurts for a baby boy's life who was cut short last week that I loved for a few days and moments. My heart hurts for my family who loves deeply a different baby boy, Little Boy Blue, who marine-crawls, babbles and loves in his own baby way. My heart hurts for those other babies out there who need love, just plain ol' love.

For the raw emotional expression, I apologize. Hopefully, you see transparency ... it is rough terrain some moments, this fostering thing. I am ragged this week; but still thankful...

Thankful that God saw fit to give us hope in the form of Prince Caspian, who is almost ours, in the midst of the fostering chaos; Thankful for a husband who is IT ... the cat's meow; Thankful for Budding Author, my adventurer; Thankful for Little Mommy, my tender-hearted beauty; Thankful for Prince Caspian, my bright curious munchkin... and Thankful for Little Boy Blue, who is my sweet angel baby for the moment.

As I write this I am reminded... none of these gifts are really mine for keeps. They all belong to the Giver of all good gifts. So, ultimately, I am grateful to Him... who saw fit to bless me with these good things. May the glory and honor be Yours, Lord, this Thanksgiving week.

Upside-Down Day

Little Boy Blue's caseworker visited our home yesterday. We were absolutely surprised to hear that CPS is changing his status from 'return to parent' to 'termination.' The termination trial will be set for early 2008. The caseworker asked us if we wanted to adopt Little Boy Blue. Can you believe she had to ask? Absolutely!

We are adequately perplexed and very sad for Little Boy Blue. His Mommy hasn't seen him for 6 weeks and CPS doesn't know her whereabouts. It is odd that she was doing well for 5-6 weeks and then just abandoned her hard work. Unfortunately, prior to the 5-6 weeks of success, she had a difficult time of it. Little Boy Blue's attorney does not play games and does not have much patience for Mommy.

Hubby and I shed a few tears last night for his Mommy. How can we rejoice in the middle of what will be someone else's heartache? What is ultimately best for Little Boy Blue?

The termination process is not a short one... and another family member could come out of the woodworks when the process is started and have priority over our family. So, we just continue to wait and watch this beautiful little butterfly stretching his little wings for the first time.