Drugs & Babies - A Personal Comment

This post has been a long time coming... I've mulled over the topic of babies being exposed to illegal drugs/toxins in-utero in every imaginable place and at every imaginable time... over dish soap bubbles, driving to piano lessons, making dinner, in line at Walmart and every time I look in the face of Little Boy Blue. It is something I ponder many times in the course of each day.

It is not an easy topic for us; nor something flippant to write on and then forget. It is, however, a reality for families seeking to be foster parents or adoptive parents through the foster care system, as well as those pursuing adoption from some international locales.

So, where does one begin to discuss something of this magnitude? I suppose I'll honestly describe a few tidbits from our early decision-making in this post and in a few weeks, in a later post, I'll attempt give you a brief picture into the known effects of drugs on children.

I cringe when I think of the naivete, selfishness and just plain immaturity of our initial inquiry to Covenant Kids... my words went something like this... "we want to be adoptive parents only and we are not interested in children who have been abused/neglected or exposed to drugs in-utero." I'm sure the intake person on the other end was laughing or, at a minimum, rolling her eyes... almost every child in foster care has been abused or neglected and a very high percentage of the infants have been exposed to drugs on one level or another. Thankfully, she didn't say 'take a hike' or 'let me give you the name of Perfect Children-R-Us Adoption Agency.' She promptly registered us for training! Unbelievable.

We attended our 30 hours of training and received an abundance of information about drug-exposed babies. The thing that stands out the very most to me was the emphasis placed on a child's first two years of life... the prognosis for drug-exposed babies was and is hopeful if they are loved and nurtured. I wonder why this was such a surprise for me?

There was story upon story of children who were fostered and later adopted by families who nurtured them during this very important formative time; met their basic needs, gave the babies many opportunities for verbal development, enrolled them in Early Childhood Intervention if necessary, and just overall provided a semi-normal life for these wee ones. Mostly, these children were close to being developmentally on track for their age. They often could not be distinguished from their peers raised in normal family environments with healthy Mommies.

On the other hand, there was also story upon story of children who had been born drug-exposed and then were left in their cribs for the bulk of every day, malnourished, with little one-on-one interaction. These children failed to attach to anyone at critical milestones... and every day that passed, they moved deeper into their own little world. These children had a tough time of it... difficulty in relationships of all types, difficulty with authority, and even failure to develop a conscience. This is serious business for our society.

Our fears about drug-exposed children were immediately eased. We knew we could provide a stable environment, meet basic needs and nurture a child. We suddenly came face to face with the truth - we do not know what challenges any child will present, biological or adopted. Often a biological child who has had no exposure to toxins and spends his/her first years in a loving home still ends up with some type of learning difficulty and/or disability. There are no guarantees... and there are no perfect children. You would think I would have learned such things at my age!

Ultimately, we were persuaded... and oh, what we would have missed if we had closed the door to children who didn't appear perfect on paper. Sometimes the greatest blessing is the most unexpected. And our fears completely disappeared when we took one look in the responsive eyes of a child who just needed to be loved...

God generously gave us just the right amount of information at just the right time... and, we remain forever changed on this topic!

How Many More Are There??

Let me describe a few of the children we were called about yesterday, just to see what emotion it evokes in you...

• 2 little girls, ages 19 mos and 2 mos. Their Dad is in prison, their Mom a meth addict.
• An approximately 3-year old little boy in a diaper left at the bus station in downtown Dallas... alone.
• A 2-month old little boy possibly being taken out of the home for 'failure to thrive'... in other words, he has not been fed. His father was raised in the foster care system himself. Both of his parents are young.

And that was just yesterday. What in heaven's name is happening? If we are getting this many calls, how many children are out there? From what we've heard, at any given time, there are 4,000 children in foster care in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex. Over 50% of those will be adoptable at some future time.

It is easy to look in the face of Little Boy Blue and thank God for him and his time with us; but what about the others, what about the ones who don't get out? Right now, this is probably the biggest question I desperately want to ask God when I see him face to face. But then again, I somehow feel the answer... this is the mess we have made of our world; these are the consequences of all of our choices; this is what sin produces. It still hurts.

We did not end up with any of these children. We were selected for the 3rd one listed... but, at the last minute, he was able to go back to his parents last night for another chance. We were very happy for him and pray for his parents to learn what to do and to have some support in their efforts.

We will never know exactly what happened with the others; just like we probably won't know what happened to Baby Girl. My heart literally grieves every time I get a call and, for one reason or another, we aren't the family that CPS envisions for that child. Or, sometimes, we know our limits and are unable to say 'yes.'

Maybe I've given too much information in this post... I may have crossed the line in terms of privacy. But I had to lay it out there for someone to see... for you to see. This is the reality of today's world. We can try to close our eyes to it and hum to ourselves so we don't hear it... but, it doesn't disappear.

And God whispers to me, every so softly, 'just love the ones I've given you.' And I desperately do.

Answering the Big Questions - Part Two

Warning: This post is 'long and winding' and may require a cup of coffee...

One of the most frequent questions and/or comments we receive relates to the impact that our foster-to-adopt choice has on Budding Author and Little Mommy. The question can be as simple and innocent as "How are your children handling the loss of Baby Girl?" or as imposing of a comment as "I could never do that to my children."

Another statement we've heard insinuates that somehow our children are going to 'miss out on things' because they have temporary foster siblings. The 'things' referred to relate both to material items and time with hubby and me. I don't begrudge the curiosity and sometimes boldness of these statements; in fact, it causes me great introspection about child-rearing and life.

I'll take the 3 areas separately, since our responses to each one are very different.

First, answering the question 'how are your children handling the loss of Baby Girl?'

The day that Baby Girl left was, perhaps, the most difficult day in my life. I think I can speak for my hubby and children that it was just as devastating to them. You simply cannot prepare yourself for an unexpected loss; not at any age. Even though we had a few week's notice, the loss was still unexpected because we had deceived ourselves into believing she would be ours forever.

Our children shed tears that day... they felt the very real pain of loss. And then we spent the day with art supplies and canvases at the kitchen table. They created some very abstract masterpeices and then, realizing Baby Girl was really not there, they cried again. We took them to a very special Japanese dinner and laughed a bunch! And as the evening closed, we prayed that God's hand would protect her and that she would be deeply loved by her brothers and new family. And we all cried.

The subsequent grief process has been fairly short for them. At first we heard "I miss Baby Girl" about 10 times per day; then 5 times a day; now, almost never. It has been a month since she left and their little souls have healed. They have been more than ready to welcome the children we've enjoyed... and they are overjoyed with Little Boy Blue. And Little Mommy continues to remind us that we are too heavily weighted in the boy category.

Second, addressing the 'I could never do that to my children' comment.

Hearing this comment could make me feel that we are somehow placing our children in a harmful, hurtful situation by introducing them to other children and allowing them to love other children when they could ultimately leave our home. It really surprised me at first. How could someone believe that we would intentionally place our children in harm's way?

We believe that we are giving our children a living opportunity to serve another human being in need. They have the first-hand chance to exercise their patience and flexibility when we get a phone call to take 2 children which will interfere with a birthday party. This is real life stuff.

Additionally, we pray that we are showing our children how to follow God even in very difficult situations. We are imperfect parents and people, and our children see how God can use even us when we really trust in His guidance.

Finally, they hear about redemption and love in the stories of Mommys and Daddys who make mistakes, yet ultimately get to raise their children. We do not expose them to all of the gorry details; however, they are curious and we give them the information that their hearts can handle.

Let me give you an example of the way Budding Author views our choices and how God provided a very personal encouragement to a little boy ...

Budding Author is an excitable, yet sensitive young man. He has enough energy for 20 people and, at the same time, feels very deeply about many things. One Thursday, we shared with him that Baby Girl would most likely be going to live with her 2 brothers in an adoptive family. On that Friday, Budding Author went to school and shared his concern at prayer time with his class of 8 other students and one very godly teacher. His precious teacher, without any knowledge of our news, looked him in the eyes and spoke truth into his heart. She told him that God had used him to be a wonderful big brother to Baby Girl. This struck Budding Author with great depth. The entire thing was now very personal to him... it was him doing the serving, him doing the loving... and what a fabulous job of it he does!

A few weeks later we were doubting our ability to get 'back in the saddle' and be a foster family. When we asked Budding Author if he thought we should be a foster family or just a straight adoption family, he, without hesitation, answered 'foster' family. We asked him 'Why?'... and he answered, "Because God has asked me to be a foster brother... this is what God wants us to do."

Our hearts are grateful that God blesses him, personally, and gives him the encouragement he needs through the voice of a willing, loving adult.

Thirdly, commenting upon well-intentioned observers who state that our children will be 'missing out' on things.

By things, some mean material possessions; others mean parental time. Are our children going to miss out on a new video game because of additional children? Honestly, they may miss out on the new video game, but not because of additional children. This question goes to the heart of setting priorities for a family. Are our priorities 'things' and accummulations of possessions?

One goal for our family is to encourage contentment and satisfaction with just what we have... and we have a lot! But our children do not have the latest and the greatest of everything. It is not a priority. Our family unit is the center, not each individual child. We believe this will serve them well when they enter a world that inundates young people with credit and the lure of the 'next best thing.' So, no, having foster brothers and sisters will not keep our children from 'things' they would not have had in the first place.

Moving in a different direction... are our children going to miss out on parental time? I would love to say no; however, the reality of a growing family is a reduced sense of down-time. The effort here has to be mine. We do have a unique education arrangement which allows for more family time... so, hopefully the effects will be outweighed by the blessings.

Whew! I've reached the end of my public thoughts on this matter... as always, I'd love your feedback, criticism, rotten tomatoes and so forth...

Loving Someone Else's Child

For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

When we first began thinking about adoption, one concern in the back of both of our minds was our ability to love another person's child. The depth of love that we feel for Budding Author and Little Mommy is indescribable. We were concerned about whether our hearts could feel that same love for a baby not born between the two of us.

To some reading this, loving someone else's child may not seem like a difficult proposition. For us, it wasn't a huge complication, just a doubt about our own hearts.

God's Word talks a great deal about adoption. The story of Moses being adopted by Pharoah's daughter and the reality of Joseph, 'adopting' Jesus as his own earthly son, proved to be instructional and encouraging. The Bible also talks about believers being 'adopted' into God's family. Now, we aren't theologians, nor are we experienced Bible scholars, but we love God and we believe that He provided just the nudge that we needed right there in His Word.

Additionally, there is no doubt that we, as believers, are to care for those who are unable to care for themselves. For our family, that means physically doing the caring. For other families, it may mean something altogether different. That is what I love about God... we all have a different task and we are perfectly equipped to complete the task that He asks of us.

Bottom line, we just had to trust God on this huge question. The heart's capacity to love has surprised us both. And, I'll tell you what, so far, we've loved each child in a very special way. This is not our doing... again, we could not have willed ourselves to love children outside of our comfort zone.

After Baby Girl left, I had huge doubts about whether I could love another baby as much as I loved her. Even as they were bringing Little Boy Blue through the door, I thought to myself, "what if I cannot do this again?" But there he was. The choice was already made. He was to be loved by me. Why?? Honestly, I don't know.

An even more difficult proposition to consider - loving the 'someone else' who caused this child to be considered neglected, abandoned, abused and unloved. The very first night we had Baby Girl, my sweet hubby was up all night worrying that there was a Mommy somewhere searching for her baby. You see, although Baby Girl was abandoned in a very ugly place, my husband still believed in a mother's love...

We later found out that it was extremely doubtful that her Mom was looking for her anywhere. And the mother's love that fills a typical Mommy's heart gave way to an uncontrollable addiction that causes all things to give way to the need for a fix.

So, how do you love someone who does this to a helpless, innocent, beautiful child of God?? Just like we love any one else. Only with the miraculous, life-changing Spirit of God can we view people through His eyes and not our own. We are not doing well in this area on our own... I am praying for God to peel back the layers of my own prejudice and judgment and allow me to see the horrible bondage that makes a woman sacrifice her child on the altar of illegal drugs.

Heavy stuff.

The Big Questions

For some time now, I've been thinking about the primary questions we receive from friends and curious onlookers about our becoming a foster family. Hopefully, by taking a few posts to answer some of these tough questions, we can encourage someone else who may be as unsure as we were about taking the next step into foster/adoption...

The Big Five:

1. How can you love another's child as much as your own biological child?
2. How can you do this to your biological children?
3. Aren't you worried about taking children that are drug-exposed?
4. Why would you want to take children of a different racial background?
5. Why through the State of Texas rather than a private adoption agency?

Tough questions. I wish I could say we have easy answers to these questions. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. However, we do have information. Good, solid information frees us from the paralysis of fear. This is true in all aspects of our life.

Tune in this week and next for our attempt at explanations. We love the questions; thinking and struggling over the answers only strengthens our resolve... and maybe yours, too.