Love Without Fear

For several months now, this 'love' thing has weighed on me. What exactly is God asking us to do when we love another? Are we to love only when we receive love in return? Are we to wait until someone loves us first before we love another? Are we to 'guard our hearts' and only love in pieces? Or are we to love with our complete being expecting absolutely nothing?

Often people comment to Alex or me, "Oh, I could never be a foster parent because of the hurt of letting go." The letting go hurts, a bunch. However, when we make statements such as the one above, are we really allowing love to work in us? Or are we acting, at least partially, with our own interests (to be loved in return) in mind?

When we began this interesting journey, we expressed that same statement above to one another. The hurt of letting go was precisely the reason we wanted to be an 'adoption only' family. Then Covenant Kids got hold of us... and they asked all of the families in training to pray about being foster-to-adopt families instead of straight adoption.

This is such a difficult thing. I do not claim to understand the depth of God's love for humanity; nor do I claim to understand the love we are to show to a hurting world. I do know this - such a love, one that exists beyond all self-motivation, is supernatural. It is of God. It is impossible for believers to 'create' on their own.

1 John 4:18 says "There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is one not yet fully formed in love." (The Message)

Do we experience and exhibit 'well-formed' love? Other Bible translations express this same concept as 'perfected love.' Do we allow the Holy Spirit to lovingly work through us, trusting that God will assuage the grief of letting go? Do we really even trust God with our hearts?

2007 has been a year of serious contemplation, meditation and transition for me. It has been a year in which I finally gave up (at least partially) my agendas, my expectations, my perfect plan. Surrender is a much better place... it requires so much less of my energy. Plus, it allows me to truly experience and share love without fear. What a concept.

Merry, Merry Christmas

May your day be merry, bright and filled with the love of our Christ, born in a manger bare to bring love and grace to a world in great need!

**I did have a family picture posted; however, Little Mommy wasn't fully 'there' when it actually posted (the picture looked fine in my preview :)) Anyway, maybe another time. Blessings to you!

And the Stockings Were Hung...

When I think of special Christmas memories as a child, my Mom is at the very center of every one. She diligently made our celebrations special with scavenger hunts, ornaments, baking and Christmas carols.

There is one special tradition that has continued as we have added children to our mix... the handmade Christmas stockings which hang on my Mom & Dad's mantle each year. The stockings have always been symbols of 'welcome to the family.' It all began when I was a babe... this is the beautiful stocking my Mom made for me.

When Alex joined our family, my Mom made this one... complete with a fishing pole because fishing is something Alex enjoys. The stocking was a sign that he was really 'in' the family.

Next, Budding Author and Little Mommy received special stockings (pictures deleted :)) ...

And this year, two new stockings. One for Prince Caspian and one for Little Boy Blue. These two stockings mean a great deal. Our choice to adopt and foster is one we prayed would be embraced by our families. The emotional upheaval of our choice does directly impact others... especially my Mom. We are grateful that both of our families have chosen to love these two and to welcome them officially into our midst. And these stockings are a symbol of just that!

Oh, in case you wonder about Little Boy Blue's stocking without a name, we decided to leave the name off until next year. If he goes to live with a family member, we can put his name on there and send it on with him as a reminder of his Grandmother. If he stays with us, we will add his new name, too. Either way, he has a special stocking all his own.




You know what? My Mom doesn't have a handmade stocking of her own. I've often thought that maybe I could whip up one for her to make the stocking display complete. However, my 'whipping up' just might take the entire year. Sewing is something I dream of someday being able to do. Maybe one of these years ...

Until then, thanks Mom. You have a gift for making new family members feel like old-timers and welcomed immediately. And the stockings are just one way you do it!! Merry Christmas.

Termination is an Ugly Word...

I've really come to hate that word... 'termination.' It sounds ugly to me. Termination of parental rights or 'TPR' is the term used to legally dissolve a parent's right to their child. Involuntary, of course. If it is a voluntary act, it is called 'relinquishment'... not quite so ugly, but permanent, nonetheless.

Little Boy Blue's Mom did not show at the status hearing. Her attorney attempted a 'continuance' to allow her to show and beg for leniency. The Judge said 'No.' So, TPR trial (in front of a jury!) is scheduled for the very end of January. And, since Mom is losing her parental rights, no more visits for Little Boy Blue with Grandfather or Great-Grandmother. Shock to my system.

Before the hearing, Friday morning, CPS called at 8:00 a.m. to see if they could pick Little Boy Blue up at 9:00 a.m. at the 'meeting spot' for a visit. They had forgotten to let me know that the Grandfather & Great-Grandmother wanted to see him. I do not like that type of last minute notice... however, I pulled him together and sent him off, little did I know that it might be his last visit. Usually, we send a letter about his week(s) and some pictures. I was lucky to just get him dressed and his diaper bag ready in 30 minutes.

He came back from the visit at 12:00 noon and he was starving. For some odd reason, no one fed him. So, he went from 7:00 a.m. to Noon without food. We put 2 bottles and baby food in the diaper bag. That makes me spitting mad!

Another weird thing... the CPS transporter said that Grandfather did not come, but that Grandmother was there with Great-Grandmother. CPS had just told me that morning that Grandmother was deceased. So, who is the mystery woman allowed to visit with Little Boy Blue?

The saddest part... CPS told us that Great-Grandmother said there are other family members who want him. She has not been known for complete truthfulness, so all of this is speculative. Home studies must be completed and criminal background checks done before he will ever be moved.

Yet, in the midst of the chaos that surrounds itty-bitty, yesterday morning it was decided that Little Boy Blue would be baby Jesus in our church's Christmas program. I will just take him up and sit him in the manger for all of the other beautiful children to peek upon. He will love that!! If only all watching could know how special is this opportunity for this particular baby boy!!

God, You are so good to us. I've been teary and emotional thinking about our year and the many things You have graciously taught us about real love. What blessing, what joy, what peace!

And with every end, there is a beginning...

Little Boy Blue Come Blow Your Horn...

Here's the update on Little Boy Blue. His Mom has been out of state for almost 3 months. Throughout this period of time, the extended family said they did not know her whereabouts. At the last visit he had with his great-grandmother and grandfather, they admitted to having lied about it all. Plus, CPS received an anonymous call stating "Ms. Smith fled the state. Her parental rights should be terminated and Little Boy Blue given to the family he is with." Odd. (Alex jokingly asked me 'You didn't use our home phone to make that call, did you?'... ha.ha.ha.)

The hearing tomorrow is a status hearing. If Little Boy Blue's Mom comes, she is facing some serious business. Termination is moving forward. His attorney does not want her to have any more visits... she feels it will not be in Little Boy Blue's best interest to see his Mom if her parental rights are being terminated. We'll see what the Judge thinks.

Now for the possibly sad news... the attorney also mentioned that there is a cousin in Georgia who is a CPS caseworker there who could be considered for Little boy blue. There has been no mention of this to us by our CPS worker... and believe me, I've asked a million times about different family members.

So, today I've just reminded myself over and over of why we are doing this. I've prayed almost constantly for a quick resolution to this (thanks to Gracie's reminder weeks ago). And I've thanked God for the joy of loving this little boy. I guess it is that simple - just tell that to my heart!

Here's to sharing our life with you... thank you for your interest and your prayers on behalf of our family. We feel blessed and honored.

P.S. I'm still holding out hope that my strapping Scotsman, Alex, will chime in on this blog over the holidays. He says he has something in the works :) ... he just guards his words much more than I.

Introducing the Cast of Characters...

Starring:

Budding Author (7)
Little Mommy (4)
Prince Caspian (17 months)
Little Boy Blue (8 months)

Prayers...

There are many competing thoughts in my brain right now. My desire is to get them on paper quickly so that they do not fade with the days. However, I haven't had the time to enter all of the e-mail addresses to make this blog private. I have to enter each e-mail address to send an invite to each of you... the task seems daunting. Yet, I have so much to say... maybe tonight.

For now, Little Boy Blue needs your prayers. Tomorrow is a hearing which will be a turning point in his case. And, as I watch him playing by my feet, I'm grateful that he has no idea what is happening. He is free. Free to just be a little boy, growing, learning and hopefully, feeling loved.

When I do get this blog converted, the first thing I'm going to do is post a few pictures... just so those of you who haven't seen these lovely faces can see who I've been writing about. All of these nicknames have real names and faces behind them!! I promise you something... when you see the faces of Prince Caspian, Little Boy Blue and Baby Girl, you will not believe these are the faces of foster care. Isn't it funny what we convince ourselves to believe about foster children?

On that note... we went to a Christmas party sponsored by Covenant Kids this weekend (even with runny noses). Every single child there (well over 200) was a lovely, beautiful human being with God's fingerprints all over him/her. When I think about it now, I'm so moved. All of these families - welcoming children of different races and backgrounds. It just reminds me of what love is... it is not an easy task. But, oh the joy!

Sick, Sicker, Sickest

What a week! Boys with colds, girls with flea bites, and a light-headed Daddy & Mommy after a total house extermination. Disgusting, huh? I agree. Little Mommy and I have been eaten up by those tiny creatures. Why don't they like the boys? And how exactly did they invade our home with all of our furry friends outdoors? Hmmmm.

The boys certainly had their share of misery this week, too ... runny noses and colds make for grumpy babies, toddlers and Mommies.

On Wednesday, we had 3 case worker visits scheduled. Of the 3, only one actually arrived. One forgot, one rescheduled and one was welcomed with Kleenex by our sickly family.

ECI came to evaluate Little Boy Blue again. It is a long story and one about which I will share additional details when I convert this blog thing to private mode. In fact, I will probably be doing that privacy thing this week.

So, if I haven't heard from you, feel free to let me know you want to tag along. If you don't actually know us, that doesn't automatically rule out an invite... just give me some info about why you are interested in our family, where you live, where you grew up, social security number :), that type of thing!! No, all kidding aside, just let me know who you are and I'll gladly send you an invite.

Blessings!
Laura

The Seemingly Unrelated

What do these things have in common:

*A beloved snail collection featuring one Mommy snail and 15 million babies;
*A black velvet Christmas dress with black patent leather shoes;
*A homemade 'dance pad' made out of packing bubbles by big brother for an early Christmas present;
*A tea all prepared for Baby Jesus and Mommy; and
*A fort in the woods where hours are spent building and hanging with big brother.

You are right! These items all belong to my Little Mommy. She is a beautiful, inquisitive, eclectic mixture of girly-girl and tomboy. Maybe I'll post a few sweet photos of her when our blog goes private...

Coming Full Circle

Little Boy Blue returned from his visit today with a new outfit and a new jacket... lucky boy! He is fast asleep after what was a very exciting time (according to the transport worker).

What to say and what not to say... Hmmmm. I have to evaluate almost everything I write here in light of privacy issues. Over these past few months, there are millions of things that I have been unable to communicate due to Little Boy Blue's ongoing case. Also, there are many things that we choose not to tell anyone, even if his legal case were not an issue. Much of this is his story, not mine. Same with Prince Caspian... the story of his biological family is his to tell, we cannot spin it to our liking and present him in a skewed light.

So, back to today... it is now known where Mom is and when she is returning. What is not known is if she will seek to have another chance with CPS. If she seeks and is granted such mercy, she will have a 6-month extension (from the February trial date) to 'work her plan' before the termination trial occurs. Little Boy Blue will then be approaching 18-months. As it is, even if the trial is in February, he will almost be celebrating his first birthday.

The competing sides of this continue to boggle me... the right of Little Boy Blue to have a permanent home (wherever that may be) as soon as possible vs. the right of a Mommy to her child. At one time very recently, I weighed in heavily in favor of Little Boy Blue being with his Mommy. Once she exited without even a word to CPS, I have shifted completely into Mama Bear mode. I still pray for her often - for her wounds to ultimately be healed and her dark perspective to be brought into the Light. However, my intentional focus now is on ensuring Little Boy Blue a safe, loving, stable environment, with or without our family.

So, here we are. We've come full circle, I think. And here we go around the Mulberry bush again... but this time, Little Boy Blue has several very vocal warriors on his side.

A Visit for Little Boy Blue

Boy, I'm surprised that I can still be surprised! I fired up my computer early this morning and there was an e-mail from our CPS caseworker. She has decided to keep Little Boy Blue's case, not just supervise. I am happy.

She has also scheduled a visit tomorrow for Little Boy Blue with his great-grandmother and grandfather. Surprise. Welcome back, Friday!

Still no word from his Mom... still planning to terminate... still no knowledge of family members who want him... still, he's ours. Sigh.

Some Exciting News for our Blogging Friends

Two special friends, blogging friends, have some exciting things going on in their adoption experiences... I have to share, in hopes that you, too, will be blessed by their willing hearts and excited for the little ones who may join their families.

*Little Hope Giver at Love Each Child.
*Precious Jewel at For such is the Kingdom.

God is living and active in the lives of these folks! How amazing it is that we get to share in all that He is accomplishing through the lives of others!

Uncountable Blessings...

Today has been a day of precious peace for our family. Sensing my anxiety about having a large family gathering at our place with 2 new additions to our family this year, my hubby scheduled a great dinner out for all of us and my in-laws. What a special, unselfish thing for him to do! He loves to eat homemade Thanksgiving food just like everyone else. Yet he put that aside and thought only of me, as the chef and chief bottle washer, today.

So, we scrubbed behind our ears, dressed all the wee bairns in their Sunday best and headed North to a restaurant on the lake. It was delightful. We smiled with pride as person after person commented on our growing family of 6 ... I basked in every word.

There were certainly a few folks missing at our table today ... my side of the family opted for a home-cooked feast. I'm sure everyone there appreciated the quiet that would have been absent had our brood attended.

Now... I'm all rested up and ready to be the chef for two Christmas celebrations at our home. In fact, I was noodling through our menu choices as we returned home.

Thank you, my Scotsman, for knowing me and my limits this year. You make me very, very thankful!

On a Lighter Note...

... it is beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here! We are putting our decorations up today because the kiddos just could not wait a day longer. It is a much lighter time around here for me, too.

I pulled out my old piano books (with notes from my teacher from December of 1978!) and played every Christmas tune I know. This is good for the soul... Steve, I'm sure you know this already!

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement on that less-than-pleasant blog post from yesterday. Friends are friends even if you've never seen their face! Pretty cool.

__________

On a blog note... for some reason an old post was posted with today's date on it in my Bloglines feed. What is up with that?

Truth, and Nothing But...

In case I may have left you with an impression that our days are just 'sweetness and light', here it is the real deal .... my emotions about foster care have been all over the place for about 7 days. No, it is not hormonal, gratefully. It is the in-your-face, blinding-light realization that this child, Little Boy Blue, is not mine. OK, I know, this is not a surprise and shouldn't be the impetus for an emotional ride.

Yet, here I sit after riding the wave of the unexpected. Coming from me, the 'I hate emotional women' woman, this is all very perplexing.

In so many ways, it was easier for me when Little Boy Blue had weekly visitation with his Mommy. At least at that time, as each Friday came and went, I had the reminder that he was very likely a temporary member of our family. Now, with the weeks coming and going, and no word about his permanent status, I deceive myself into believing that he is forever mine.

The 'what ifs' of his case have me reeling ... the possible long-lost relative in New York that wants a child, or the biological Daddy who may have been in the dark the entire time and really loves Little Boy Blue. I've imagined each and every one of these people when the reality is probably very different.

And an additional unexpected oddity; I'm missing Baby Girl so much it hurts! She has been gone for 6 months!! What is up?? Has my brain's rational function been covering up the truth that sits in my heart? Or have I just been running on adrenaline since Prince Caspian joined us and not allowed my heart to even feel anything remotely emotional??

Whatever the cause, the truth of it is... my heart hurts. My heart hurts for a beautiful baby girl that I loved, still love, will always love. My heart hurts for a baby boy's life who was cut short last week that I loved for a few days and moments. My heart hurts for my family who loves deeply a different baby boy, Little Boy Blue, who marine-crawls, babbles and loves in his own baby way. My heart hurts for those other babies out there who need love, just plain ol' love.

For the raw emotional expression, I apologize. Hopefully, you see transparency ... it is rough terrain some moments, this fostering thing. I am ragged this week; but still thankful...

Thankful that God saw fit to give us hope in the form of Prince Caspian, who is almost ours, in the midst of the fostering chaos; Thankful for a husband who is IT ... the cat's meow; Thankful for Budding Author, my adventurer; Thankful for Little Mommy, my tender-hearted beauty; Thankful for Prince Caspian, my bright curious munchkin... and Thankful for Little Boy Blue, who is my sweet angel baby for the moment.

As I write this I am reminded... none of these gifts are really mine for keeps. They all belong to the Giver of all good gifts. So, ultimately, I am grateful to Him... who saw fit to bless me with these good things. May the glory and honor be Yours, Lord, this Thanksgiving week.

Changing Faces

We are getting new caseworkers all the way around. It appears very typical for caseworkers, even within private agencies, to be moved around, promoted and even exit on a frequent basis. This is difficult for families operating within the system.

New individuals do not know the intricacies of each case and it takes a certain period of ramp-up, which causes delays of all sorts. Our CPS caseworker for Little Boy Blue is being promoted... and boy, does she deserve it. She is a go-getter and will, thank God, still supervise his case throughout the legal process. Our Covenant Kids caseworker is getting shifted so that she does not have to drive as much. This makes us very sad. We love her and have grown comfortable with her monthly visits and her friendship.

There are certainly things which make this fostering business very difficult; a change in personnel is one of those things. Another of those challenges presented itself this week with sad news ... a baby who was in our care for respite over the summer passed away. I cannot comment any further, but we are grieving for everyone involved. We rejoice that precious little one is in the presence of God and we will gratefully get to attend his memorial service.

Without a doubt, fostering has been the singular most difficult experience of our lives. For our own ease and comfort, I'd really like to say 'no way, no more' after Little Boy Blue's case is finished. However, when I look back, I also see this time as huge in terms of the growth of our faith. There is nothing we could have done or asked for on our own which would have caused us to rely so heavily on the direction of God. We are being refined, whether we like it or not.

Happy Decade Birthday, Boy Wonder

I have this precious nephew. Actually, he is my only biological nephew. Much to my surprise, he turned 10 years old this past week. How did that happen??

There are so many things to write about this special young man... so many. Maybe I'll share just a few, to honor him and to honor the Mommy and Daddy that God entrusted with his care.

*Boy Wonder was born many weeks premature, after a several week stay in the hospital by his Mommy. Since he was the very first grandchild on both sides of the family, this was a challenging, difficult time for everyone. He was born in the middle of the night by emergency c-section after a very long attempt at induced labor. I will never forget my Sister's face as she came out of surgery... I will never forget my brother-in-law's face as he came out of the operating room to brag about his big boy.

*Boy Wonder spent his first month in the NICU in Norman, Oklahoma, being doted upon by sweet nurses and his very special Mommy & Daddy.

*Boy Wonder went back into the hospital right around his first Christmas to have surgery for pyloric stenosis. This was before my Sister became a Physician Assistant... don't know whether it would have been harder or easier for her to have the knowledge she now possesses.

*Boy Wonder was diagnosed with diabetes insipidus early, early on in his journey. He takes a nasal hormone daily to regulate his pituitary gland.

*Boy Wonder was diagnosed with autism around his 3rd birthday. This diagnosis has never defined him or the expectations that his parents have for his life.

*Boy Wonder has had two parents who fight for him to have every chance, while simultaneously challenging him beyond the next milestone.

*Boy Wonder adores his grandparents... I mean adores. He skips through their house and down their sidewalk with a huge, tooth-filled grin. He feels the unconditional love that they have for him - he knows.

*Boy Wonder has progressed as an academic champion year-after-year with the help and prodding of his parents. He is in a traditional 4th grade classroom where he happily runs the show :)

*Boy Wonder is very musically inclined. His favorite music group is the Pride of Oklahoma Marching Band for the University of Oklahoma. He regularly attends their practices and conducts on the sidelines.

*Boy Wonder sings like an angel. Perhaps, that is because he is so close to God.

*Boy Wonder loves his cousins... they romp and play at 'the farm' as he calls our house. He loves the chickens and goats. Even our English Mastiff and he share a very special relationship.

*Boy Wonder makes me laugh, cry and think deeper thoughts about our world and what we classify as 'normal'.

*Boy Wonder gives our family the courage to foster and adopt a child that may have similar challenges.

God Bless You, Boy Wonder! You are God's precious gift to our entire family! Happy, happy 10th Birthday.

Compassion or Not?

What is Compassion?

My definition of compassion has been challenged; mixed up, mashed, and kneaded until it no longer resembles that which once was. You see, I thought compassion was more about me than anything else... about me feeling sorry for another, as if my 'feeling sorry' actually accomplished anything. My attempts at compassion were easy for me, my attempts at compassion never required me to get my hands dirty.

The most beautiful, compelling definition of compassion was introduced to me on another blog called Seeking the Forgotten. The author lives in Guatemala. She is in the trenches; loving and making a difference in the lives of hurting, lonely children. She has pushed me to think deeper about compassion on several occasions through the pictures and writing on her blog. I only know who she is through her blog, we've never met. Isn't it interesting the way God uses a complete stranger and the internet to challenge very deeply-held beliefs about His work?

The definition she shared was attributed to Henri Nouwen and others when I searched on the web. Here is the definition:

"Compassion ~ is not a bending toward the underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not a reaching out from on high to those who are less fortunate below; it is not a gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the upward pull - .....On the contrary, compassion means going to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there. God's compassion is total, absolute, unconditional, without reservation. It is the compassion of one who keeps going to the most forgotten corners of the world, and who cannot rest as long as he knows that there are still human beings with tears in their eyes."

My self-righteous thoughts about compassion are nipped right in the bud when I read this. What about you? Is compassion something reserved for those few who are 'called' to missions work overseas? Or is compassion something we are all called to as followers of Jesus? Aren't there plenty of opportunities for real, authentic compassion right in front of our eyes?

Is compassion something to only think about a few times per year as we write a check for missions or scan the Angel Tree? Or is compassion a lifestyle, a way of existing?

I'm challenged here... am I really willing to relinquish my 'privileged' position here in my comfy world and extend a hand horizontally to another who might not look, smell or understand anything common to me?

God's Tapestry

Wow... do we feel loved and pampered! Today, hubby and I attended a foster/adoption training program sponsored by Tapestry ministry of Irving Bible Church. Actually, the conference was underwritten by 15+ churches of varying denominations. It is great to hear of the body of Christ coming together to create such an event. The Tapestry foster and adoption ministry has encouraged many other churches to form similar ministries to mobilize the body of Christ into meeting the needs of orphans here and around the globe. Very cool!

The day included the following: Breakfast, lunch, childcare and 6 training hours for foster parents... and it was all free! Yes, we feel loved.

When we first received word about the conference, I thought there had to be a catch. Given the challenge for foster parents to find babysitters, I was just sure that the free childcare was a misprint. Nope.

So, early this morning, we happily deposited Little Boy Blue and Prince Caspian with very qualified persons and enjoyed training sessions on some very weighty topics. Our day included conversations and education on these topics: Race & Culture, Open Adoption and Biological/Adoptive Sibling Relationships. There was also a very talented keynote speaker who has a heart for children coming from 'hard places.'

My brain is brewing about how to write on the topics we covered. We were convicted in many areas where we really thought we had our motives nailed down. It is beautiful the way God gently reminds us of what He is really accomplishing.

We came away from this event refreshed and energized after meeting families in very similar situations as ours... what a beautiful thing to see a true 'tapestry' of children from every tribe and nation and the families who love them.

People try to say that we are doing a good thing by fostering ... No, God is doing a good thing. He is doing what He does - loving little ones. We are merely the cracked vessels that He works through. It is all about His love... for the least of these.

Upside-Down Day

Little Boy Blue's caseworker visited our home yesterday. We were absolutely surprised to hear that CPS is changing his status from 'return to parent' to 'termination.' The termination trial will be set for early 2008. The caseworker asked us if we wanted to adopt Little Boy Blue. Can you believe she had to ask? Absolutely!

We are adequately perplexed and very sad for Little Boy Blue. His Mommy hasn't seen him for 6 weeks and CPS doesn't know her whereabouts. It is odd that she was doing well for 5-6 weeks and then just abandoned her hard work. Unfortunately, prior to the 5-6 weeks of success, she had a difficult time of it. Little Boy Blue's attorney does not play games and does not have much patience for Mommy.

Hubby and I shed a few tears last night for his Mommy. How can we rejoice in the middle of what will be someone else's heartache? What is ultimately best for Little Boy Blue?

The termination process is not a short one... and another family member could come out of the woodworks when the process is started and have priority over our family. So, we just continue to wait and watch this beautiful little butterfly stretching his little wings for the first time.