Long and Winding Road - An Adoption Love Story

Update...

2009-10-28T07:54:00.004-06:00

If you want to know what is up with us these days, visit The World is Our Classroom. God never stops changing us; cleaning out the old to make way for the new. He amazes me... that He would care to use cracked vessels to help in His mighty work never fails to stop me dead in my tracks. For more of how that is happening, visit us at our other blog. Praying that this day finds you joyful even if you feel stuck in the mire. Many, many blessings to you.

Welcome...

2009-05-08T13:10:00.005-06:00

If you've stumbled across this blog, welcome, welcome! This is our love story; the story of how God loves children of all ages, how He changes hearts and how He allows even the hardest hearts to be broken to meet His purpose. Feel free to stay a bit and walk through the pages of our fostering/adoption journey. We are in a holding pattern right now, so the events you read about are in our past. May you be encouraged and may God richly bless you and yours. Laura

And... It's Another Boy!

2008-09-08T15:06:00.008-06:00

Good morning world! At 4:00 a.m., Little Boy Blue decided to wake up and not go back to sleep. Whew! Somehow this child knew that this was his big day! And so we were off - a full car (including Alex's Mom) heading to Adoption City.

The actual adoption hearing was over in a flash. Little Boy Blue was quiet and sweet and Prince Caspian wanted to stand right beside me with his arms around my leg watching every moment.

The Family - 2008

It has been the year for BOYS!

Mommy's new camera sure shows off my blue eyes!

Adoption Day is complete with a Cake... Balloons.... Banner...

And off they go...

Tomorrow ... is only a day away!

2008-09-07T18:31:00.007-06:00

a 3-month old Little Boy Blue

We are counting the hours! Little Mommy made a beautiful sign for Little Boy Blue to hang in our kitchen. The baseball cake is made (not too pretty) with his name on it. The baby book is off to a good start. Everyone's clothes are ironed and ready for our 6:30 a.m. departure time.

This weekend I spent some time cutting, pasting and reading my blog posts about Little Boy Blue. Remembering all of the ins, outs, ups and downs of the last 15 months makes this adoption seem all the more amazing.

A 17-month old Little Boy Blue

I will post again tomorrow with pictures of his special day ...

We are Getting Close ...

2008-09-02T19:38:00.004-06:00

Little Boy Blue's adoption is less than one week away!! (Insert huge sigh of relief from yours truly) We have our big meeting with CPS on Friday and then the adoption should happen Monday morning! Yipppeeee.

Meanwhile, I truly have so very little to say. This blog has been such a vital part of my living and breathing through our adoption experience. Believe it or not, I've been at this blogging thing for over a year now... and I'm coming close to the end of my writing on this subject; I find that most of my thoughts on fostering/adoption have all been shared with you. I'd like to do one last blog post in the next few days about my Little Boy Blue finding his permanent haystack. (Remember the nursery rhyme?)

For now, my 'Long and Winding Road' is approaching a beautiful meadow of open fields with much possibility. No doubt, our road will bend and curve into the underbrush many more times. Today, though, I feel a warm breeze coming off of the tall grass and I'm ready to take off hand-in-hand with this brood God has given me.

Maybe I'll start a Michigan memoirs blog, or something totally kooky to document our time in Michigan - far from friends and family. Maybe I'll start posting more on our school blog. Maybe I'll just rest quietly, teaching my children and loving my husband. Maybe.

Thank you from the depth of me for sharing this profoundly emotional journey. Your companionship here has meant the difference between my standing and crawling on some difficult days. I mean that.

Peek back in and I'll finish up with something fitting as these days wind down. May God deeply bless you; may you know how very much He loves you. And may His hand be yours to hold as you walk your very own 'Long and Winding Road.'

Peace,
Laura

A Shell of My Very Own...

2008-08-13T18:58:00.004-06:00

Something is amiss with me right now... I've withdrawn in to this lovely shell of my own making. So many things weigh on me; and yet, I feel guilty about being so burdened and unwilling to ask for help. Ugh, the conundrum of it all.

My hubby started his new job last Monday, the 4th. He has traveled for most of the weekdays ... and we are looking at a good amount of travel until we sell our house and get settled in Michigan. Dislike is a mild word to describe my feelings about being a single Mom of 4 these last 2 weeks. Frankly, I do not know how single Moms manage.

Everyone is feeling Daddy's absence around here. Prince Caspian walks around saying 'My Daddy bye-bye' or 'Eeers my Daddy?'. When the garage door opens he immediately runs to it screaming 'Daddy home.' It is emotional.

And yet, what makes me withdraw at a time when I could really use the support of others? There are moments that I cannot even think beyond the tasks to even have or be a friend. In fact, those moments are numerous right now. So, friends of mine - I love you and miss you and need your prayers right now :).

I also realize that my husband could be in Iraq right now ... there are always situations much, much worse than my own.
____________________

Yesterday, I received Little Boy Blue's entire case file. Remember how I said there would be nothing in it that surprised me? Well, I was wrong. My stomach was nauseated as I read of the events that took place from his conception to his delivery. My precious baby, how resilient you are! You are a miracle; your life a testimony.

Sometimes I feel as if I cannot bear telling these boys about their pasts ... I feel so small and inadequate to be Mommy to these two boys who deserve the world. My attempts at analysis and my questions about 'why' in relation to these two never cease. Fostering has required me to give up my 'skimming the surface' on big questions and dig deeper. It continues to be uncomfortable.

Little Boy Blue's adoption will be September 8. When I stare in his big blue eyes and hear that contagious laughter, the weight I feel from reading his file lifts and hope springs afresh.

Still plugging along,
Laura

Do I Still Have Any Blog Readers?

2008-08-02T19:09:00.003-06:00

Hello strangers! It has been quite a while, I know. Lots of 'stuff' happening around me. I feel like a whirlwind is continuously blowing through our house.

Meanwhile, I've been meaning to write this very important post for more than 2 weeks!

Several times on this blog I've mentioned my e-friend, Gracie. She and I stumbled upon one another in 2007 back when our blogs were in the public domain. Since then, she has been a constant support and encouragement for our fostering experiences. Our friendship is a joy to me. The story of Gracie and her husband, Dave's parenting journey is touching and beautiful. Please take the time to read about their experiences here.

Gracie and Dave are also adopting a little girl named Adriana from Guatemala. Not only are they adopting a little girl, she is a very special little girl. Adriana is 20 months old and suffers from several special needs, including a dislocated hip, cortical blindness and epilepsy. This couple needs our prayers for this adoption. They also need assistance to get Adriana home!

It is a privilege for Alex and me to make you aware of this awesome opportunity to help to tangibly support the adoption of this little one. We believe this need has been placed before us for a reason... and we ask you to take the time to pray about contributing to this very, very worthy cause. Team Adriana is preparing for a triathlon in Alabama to raise funds and awareness for Adriana's adoption. Since we do not live in Alabama, we are supporting from afar.

All donations are tax-deductible and are handled through the Shepherd's Crook adoption ministry. Just make sure to include the name 'Adriana' in the description. Any donation, no matter how small, is greatly appreciated by this precious family. We urge you to help give Adriana the hope of a family and the medical treatment that she desperately needs.

Blessings in Christ,
Laura

Odd Days

2008-07-17T06:21:00.002-06:00

These days are unique. These days are unlike any I've lived so far. These days are a concoction of expectation and loss.

It nears the day of farewell to our friends headed to Brazil. I cannot begin to name the deep sadness that covers our family about their departure. While we heartily rejoice in their calling and pray diligently for their safety and for their mission, we want to crawl under a rock and come out 3.5 years later when we see them again. Yes, it really will be 3.5 years from now when they come home for a furlough.

My typical mode of operation is to avoid good-byes. I'm better with the celebratory part. And yet, my friend reminded me this week that closure is important for our kids ... and closure is important for me. So, I wade in the deep water of their departure... I wade deeper into our own departure from a place we've known most of our lives.

These days are different. These days don't allow for much in the way of normal. These days are stepping stones leading to tomorrow. May I hop expectantly from one stone to the next without regret, all the while dipping my toes in the cool, clear water of faith.

A Glimpse of God's Heart Around Every Corner...

2008-06-17T19:13:00.009-06:00

We all place barriers on our hearts. Like it or not, we just put limitations on ourselves and our ability to love. This false perspective of our limitations paralyzes us from 'loving the least of these', as well.

Please don't get me wrong, here. I have no desire to 'guilt' you into considering fostering or adoption... I don't have or want that power. :) However, if God happens to be nudging you and you keep saying 'no, thank you' please prayerfully reconsider. Believe me, I'm in that place right this very minute... Quicker than Dallas, (as they say around these parts) I can run through the reasons why a 'family of 7 or 8' would just not work for me. (I'll spare you all of the gory details!)

And yet, there is a strong conviction for Alex and me that our efforts in this area are not complete. Maybe we will foster, maybe we will adopt, maybe we will raise money for an orphanage somewhere (Poland or Brazil?)... who knows? God knows. And He has not let our hearts rest in this area ... He prods and pokes and makes us both very, very uncomfortable.

Please watch this video, Taking a Chance on Fu Yang... I believe your hearts will be touched by this man's unexpected discovery. We have found situations like these to be around each corner...

Take, for example, a call I received back in January. On the other end of the phone was a stranger; a pregnant young Mommy, without a husband, whose family was completely against her keeping a bi-racial baby. She was calling to see if we might consider adopting her baby when it came into the world.

Our discussion led to something unexpected, she really wanted to keep this baby! It was a privilege to help her figure out how to support the baby, even if her family never came around. And now, a picture hangs on our frig door of a chubby baby girl, 4 months old, with a precious sign that reads 'A Gift from God.' This beauty rests in the arms of her Mommy, with her Grandmother and Great-Grandmother right there beside them. I praise God for such a miraculous turn of events. Forgiveness is supernatural... and, for that matter, so is love.

The Gifts of a Saturday!

2008-06-16T05:22:00.005-06:00

This past Saturday was spent in an all-day training for Covenant Kids to maintain our foster license. We always seem to dread this 8-hour Behavior Management training. This year was no different... especially since there was a new trainer. Would she make us stay the entire 8 hours? Would she put us all to sleep? We sounded like grouchy teenagers as we headed out at 8:15 a.m. without enough time to stop for a Starbuck's.

Our day turned out to be inspiring and encouraging. Those two words describe perfectly what it is like to sit in a room of 25 Christian foster/adoptive parents and swap stories. Why do I always forget this prior to the training sessions? I believe God uses these other parents to sharpen us and to move us along to that very next step He has planned ... When we leave these meetings, we always ask ourselves 'How can we ever stop doing this?' What seems like complete craziness to the world seems perfectly normal within those walls.

Let me give you a few examples of these folks:
*A foster/adoptive family with 9 kids - some are homegrown, some transplants, some seedlings that will grow in someone else's garden;
*A single adoptive Mom back for her 2nd round after adopting her son over a year ago;
*Grandparents who have 3 grown children who are almost ready for their first foster/adoptive placement;
*A precious couple who struggled for years with infertility. They are fostering 2 little guys (brothers) and will be taking their soon-to-be-born sister in July. These children will most likely be returned to their biological parents; one struggles with schizophrenia and both parents are only 19. The couple we met desperately wants to adopt but has chosen to foster and wait patiently.

Do you see yourself in any of those people? ... ordinary folks with stories much like yours and mine. What a way to spend a Saturday! Oh, and the trainer was engaging, funny and gave us some great tips for the toddler whining that breaks the sound barrier in our home.

***Oh, another thing. A very good friend of ours up here in the boonies has just been licensed as a foster/adoptive Mom. She is a single woman with 2 grown daughters. She had plans to adopt from Russia and then found out about a need for foster/adoptive parents right here in our county. Originally, her heart's desire was to foster/adopt one baby girl. Friday, she got a call about two sets of sibling girls that are free for adoption (one set ages 3 & 5; one set ages 4 & 6). She is actually contemplating taking 2! Please pray for her... God knows her name and the names of these 4 little ones who need a Mommy.

I May Be Too Literal ...

2008-06-12T18:39:00.007-06:00

Remember how our CPS caseworker mentioned we could adopt Little Boy Blue on the 91st day after the 90-day appeal period ends?? ... I suppose I am too literal for my own good. With all of the talk of moving bouncing around our house, we obviously desire things to progress with the adoption as quickly as possible. Plus, we just want him to be ours, permanently.

We found out today that she was exaggerating. It will take several weeks after the 90-day mark for them to get their documents together and do the official 'presentation' of his file to us. Since we've had him so long, nothing should be a surprise to us. However, we legally have to wait 24 hours after reading his file to say we want to move forward with his adoption. Next we have to sign paperwork and then, and only then, can the final hearing be scheduled.

What is another two or three weeks, I know, I know. And yet, I get my knickers in a twist over things like this. I like all of the information up front. Don't sideswipe me with more 'stuff.' We also found out that Covenant Kids will have to redo our home study to include Prince Caspian. And, they have a mile-long report to file to the court.

My Castle-Builder is 8 Today!

2008-06-09T12:13:00.004-06:00

THE CASTLE-BUILDER
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A gentle boy, with soft and silken locks,
A dreamy boy, with blue and tender eyes,
A castle-builder, with his wooden blocks,
And towers that touch imaginary skies.

A fearless rider on his father's knee,
An eager listener unto stories told
At the Round Table of the nursery,
Of heroes and adventures manifold.

There will be other towers for thee to build;
There will be other steeds for thee to ride;
There will be other legends, and all filled
With greater marvels and more glorified.

Build on, and make thy castles high and fair,
Rising and reaching upward to the skies;
Listening to voices in the upper air,
Nor lose thy simple faith in mysteries.

____________________________________________________

Budding Author is 8 today. He still builds castles of the Lego sort. And I believe he still imagines he is a knight fighting a fierce dragon and rescuing the town.

I can remember the night he was born so vividly; the mix of fear and excitement that swirled around his unexpected arrival. Alex calls the birth of our first child one of the major highlights of his life. I would whole-heartedly agree.

A Sigh of Relief and a Look Forward ...

2008-06-05T14:05:00.005-06:00

The termination is complete and Little Boy Blue is free to move forward in life and gain a permanent family. I am thrilled for him and thrilled for us. Sadly to say, I don't have any grief at all for the man who contributed to Little Boy Blue's life. He has never seen his son, nor has he ever contacted CPS with any interest in him. He has missed out on this very special life. Given how I feel about Little Boy Blue's Mom, you might think I would be praying for him. The thought has never crossed my mind. Hmmm, something to ponder for another day, I suppose.

For today, I'm just excited and hopeful for his future. Only 90 days until he has a new first and last name and a forever family!! Cheers to you, little one!

Please let it be today ...

2008-06-05T05:32:00.004-06:00

You know, I go through these times where I totally and completely forget that Little Boy Blue is our foster baby. Our family functions well and he is one of us after a year of living here. And yet, there are these reminders that throw me back into the land of the living.

His attorney visited on Tuesday, his caseworker last week, his therapist last week and his Covenant Kids caseworker next week. Each month, I have to fill out a report on his life ... and in May I completely and totally forgot to do it. Why? Because it feels like he is mine, why would I need to write down in detail when I put Desitin on his bottom? Seriously, that much detail is required.

Today is the termination for his Dad. I really, really, really pray that this happens today. His case needs to come to a conclusion.

Drugs & Babies - A Personal Comment, - Part 2

2008-05-31T05:38:00.005-06:00

Last Summer, I wrote this post about our thoughts in relation to drug-exposed children. It is still a difficult topic for me, perhaps because it is so up-close-and-personal now. My question these days relates to the privacy of our children with regard to this topic.

Do you remember the movie St. Elmo's Fire? At one point in the movie, the Rob Lowe character is having dinner with the blond character's wealthy, well-mannered family. Remember when the mother glances at Rob Lowe, leans over to another guest and whispers behind her hand with a very memorable expression ... "Drugs." While that comment was funny in that particular context, it is not something we want said or even known about our boys.

So, how do we speak to encourage other persons to consider fostering/adopting drug-exposed little ones without compromising the privacy and well-being of our own two??

Obviously, if you read this blog, you know the bare fact that both boys were drug-exposed. And yet, with the exception of one or two of you, you probably do not know or care about the specific details. (Sidebar: We would gladly speak openly to any of you who asked about their situation knowing that the information would not be sensationalized.)

Other people, even strangers, are much more extraordinary in their curiosity. Now, I don't begrudge curiosity for the sake of furthering the cause of fostering ... but, when it labels or attempts to define our boys, it becomes problematic. Plus, we humans seem to have a delight for all of the dirty, dramatic details... maybe it makes us feel somehow better about ourselves because 'at least we didn't do that.' I know I struggle with this warped perspective often.

There are times when I want to simply come up with a different answer to the question 'How far apart are they?' because that question inevitably leads to 'How did you get pregnant so soon?' or 'Were you just crazy to have them that close together?' which inevitably leads to my eeking out in a small whisper 'We are adopting them' ... which next leads to a discussion of the where, when, why and how of such things. Finally, we get around to the subject of foster care, which, by the way, brings everyone into a frenzy of one sort or another. It is interesting how people go on and on about the horrible state of our foster care system ... we all feel so free to talk about this topic and how 'awful' it is for 'those' children. And yet, we do not have a better solution.

I promise, the conversation is just that predictable. On vacation, I almost decided to say the boys were a year apart just to quell the curious. People are just trying to be nice, I know. And, on other topics, I'm the first to talk and talk and talk. I just never want our wee ones to think their lives are the subject of odd conversation. Additionally, our older two do not know the details and won't unless the younger boys choose to tell them their stories.

Bottom line, as I write this I realize that it has to be the prompting of God to share our story and not some odd feeling of peer pressure. So, that is where I will leave this vent. If you have any other ideas, experiences or suggestions on this topic, I'm all ears.

Beach Bums Return Home ...

2008-05-23T13:01:00.009-06:00

Each May, my side of the family ventures down to South Padre Island for a week of part family vacation / part family reunion. This year was the first visit to the beach for both of the little boys. It was great fun to watch their discovery ...
No, I'm not a girl! Those curls are just my Mom's way of keeping me a baby :) (Several people asked about our baby girl - what?.)

They are making me wear this silly thing even though I don't even like the water!
Last year, Little Mommy would hardly get in the water; this year, she puts Budding Author to the challenge...

I just know I can catch them, just give me one more try!

All dressed up ...
Big brother and his parrot friend.

Interesting!
Allow me to show you my cape!

Daddy and Little Crab Cake...

My Mom & Dad with our 4.
Our big boy fished in the ocean and caught 3 fish of his very own! He saw dolphin and even a hammerhead shark.

We are happy to be home to get some rest from that vacation we just had :)... isn't that the way it always goes?

We are Alike, She & I - Part 2

2008-05-17T18:56:00.005-06:00

Last Fall, I wrote extensively about Little Boy Blue's Mommy, here and here and here ... It boggles my mind how a stubborn woman like me could ever be changed as drastically as God has changed me. One obvious way He has changed my heart is in relation to Little Boy Blue's Mommy.

After she relinquished her parental rights, I continued to have this burden for her on my heart. She would pop into my brain at least 10 times per day. My hubby & I continued to pray for her salvation and complete recovery and healing. I felt led to have a friend contact several ministries that work with women in jail settings. That same friend and I have also diligently prayed for her ...

A few weeks back, I finally made good on my promise to send Little Boy Blue's family some pictures. I also wrote a letter to his Mommy and one to his Great-Grandmother. My prayer was that in some way I could reassure his Mommy of something, I wasn't sure exactly what... maybe I was just trying to make sure Little Boy Blue would have an open door if he ever wanted to contact her.

I've checked the P.O. Box we set up several times since then and it was always empty. Until yesterday. Two letters sat in that little gray space. My heart raced as I saw one was from his Mommy and one from his Great-Grandmother (GG). Tears just ran down my face as I read of a Mother's love for her son... one that would sacrifice her own desires for his best interest.

Here are a few of her words: "I have a good feeling in my heart about you and God meant for this to happen, no matter how difficult it is for me, I embrace the comfort I feel when I realize he is with other children in a beautiful home, with a creative, kind woman and a good family. I do feel that you have given him a better chance at a good life than I could have in my position... After I signed I knew that I had done the right thing for him, instead of being selfish like I wanted to be."

That stops me cold. She wrote 4 pages along these lines. As I read her words, I felt so happy for Little Boy Blue and the fact that he will get to meet her one day, if he chooses. How wonderful for him to have that option!

And she mentioned God and prayer several times... I have great hope for her life. Maybe one day I'll write her back and tell her about the God I know and how He can pick her up, wrap her in His arms and restore her life. I know from experience that He is faithful.

For today, I bask in her words of affirmation. I no longer have to imagine what she thinks about us having Little Boy Blue, now I know!

My Clutter Coach

2008-05-15T12:55:00.002-06:00

At what point did I ever think that I needed:

4 bathrobes
30 diaper burp cloths
20 baby bottles
35 t-shirts
2 Coca-cola puzzles (over 500 pieces each)
43 scarves of varying color and size from my working days

Somewhere along the way, I've fallen for the notion that "If one at $2.99 is a great deal, then I must need 2 or 3 at $2.99, right?!" As a consequence, my house has become a battleground for great deals gone bad.

And yet, a page has turned, a new era has dawned... and I'm cleaning out with a vengeance! Wanna know the really cool thing about this? I have a dear friend who spent her entire day with me yesterday coaxing me out of my 'keep it' habit. And, she is still my friend... an even greater thing!!

In almost 9 hours, we got through my kitchen, two closets upstairs and my closet. That doesn't sound like much, does it. Our output was 6-7 extra-large black garbage bags full of trash and a huge kick-start on the garage sale that is going to happen in June.

I have a LOOOONNNGGG way to go still and it overwhelms me... but, I have a 'clutter coach' of my very own. With her help, the material stuff is going 'bye-bye' and freedom is on the other side.

Wouldn't you like a 'clutter coach' of your own?

What Makes a Mommy...

2008-05-13T05:24:00.004-06:00

With Mother's Day just passing and another adoption on the way, I've been thinking about the question of 'What Makes a Mommy?' ... Do genes and DNA make a Mommy? Does providing the basic necessities of life make a Mommy? Does reading 'I Love You This Much' for the 500th time make a Mommy?

At what point did I become Mommy to Prince Caspian? He called me Mama almost from day one... not out of affection for me, he didn't even know me. But I was the closest thing to the closest thing he ever knew of a Mama... his foster Mom. Did I become his Mommy when I signed the paperwork saying I would take him into our home as a foster/adopt placement for 6 months? Did I become his Mommy when I lay down beside him for his naps so that he would know someone cared in this strange place? Did I become his Mommy when he started enjoying his baths? Did I become his Mommy when that gavel struck down and said he was legally mine forever?

I don't know the when or where. I just know it happened. One special day, his heart decided to really trust me. I'd love to claim that moment as my own and say I'm just a perfect Mommy. Hee... hee.. But the truth is, God chose to weave that love into both of our hearts. I know I'm different because of it.

If you have a few extra blog-reading minutes today, here is a great post from a 'cyber friend' who has adopted 2 girls. The Truth About Adoption is a worthwhile post to read.

What Kind of Flowers Grow in Your Garden?

2008-05-11T19:14:00.004-06:00

With all of the Spring garden action going on around here (including much weed-growing), I've been pondering the topic of sowing and reaping on a regular basis. In fact, the card I bought for my Mom even had a 'growing' theme.

Am I sowing 'seeds of love' into the lives of our family members? Do I water these tiny seedlings with laughter and encouragement? Do I turn their little faces toward the Light, the source of all of our hope? Will I see God's bountiful harvest in their lives as they become parents and spouses?

Today was a very special day... my very first breakfast in bed. Alex worked hard this morning to make cherry pancakes, bacon and eggs. He brought me coffee and forced me to stay in bed to have my quiet time. This time was very meaningful as God really brought the above questions about sowing His seeds in our family. He also made something very clear to me regarding the look, feel and size of our family; but that is too much to share for this day.

After church, I spent the afternoon with my Mom, just the two of us. There were no little noses to wipe, no dirty hands to clean, no hungry mouths to feed, no tiny hand twisting my shirt into a security blanket, no tantrums and no tears. We had a ball ... and she graciously allowed me to pick out my own birthday present, a few shorts and blouses. I'd say I'm a lucky gal!

I finished my afternoon off with grocery shopping (saved over $100 for you bargainers) and headed home to a freshly cleaned car (rare thing for me out here in the sticks) and a tired hubby.

What a day!! How was yours? Did your precious wee ones shower you with their love? Did you hear the still, small voice of God saying 'Well done!' I hope so.

Smack Dab in the Middle of Life ...

2008-05-06T06:43:00.005-06:00

As I sit here, firmly planted at my kitchen table with my morning cup steaming by my side, I realize that on so many levels I'm in the middle. Age wise, according to longevity studies, I'm quickly approaching the middle mark. Maturity wise, I'm 'somewhere in the middle.' And on a personal level, we are smack dab in the middle of a tumultuous job situation.

We are a one-income family, for the most part. My tidbits of legal work do not add anything of financial significance to our family. This places the financial burden completely on the shoulders of my ever-so-capable, strong and handsome Strapping Scotsman. He is one of those who stays with a job until the lights go out, so to speak. He works for a consulting firm in the pharmaceutical industry. Last week we found out that the client he consults with did not get their product approved by the FDA. It will be at least a year before this happens. Not good news. Consulting is a project-by-project gig. The consulting firm he works for does not have another project, they were banking on the one that did not get approved. Therefore, they can only promise Alex a job through the end of May.

We trust that this transition will be resolved and that it will be abundantly clear the direction we are to move. So far, Alex has considered and applied to jobs in Salt Lake City (shock to my system), California (we would live at a very different standard of living!), Denver (great idea!), Research Triangle area of North Carolina (Christy, I'd love to be closer so that our little ones could meet one another and play together!) and Maryland (where I lived as a child.) Could the Waits Family be on the move? Possibly. And yet, something could absolutely pop up right here in North Texas.

Please pray for us, as a family. Uncertainty with employment is not easy, as many of my closest friends know from personal experience. Please pray for Alex's stamina. May we all rest in the One who knows exactly where we will land and when.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog and be concerned about this family. I'm so grateful to have this sounding board and mode of communication to the people we love most. It is in no way comparable to those one-on-one visits we enjoy; however, it beats the alternative!

Peace!
Laura

Pride Posts Updated...

2008-05-06T06:36:00.002-06:00

For those of you who have clicked through on the 'Pride' topic to my friend's blog, I don't think I gave the correct link to the 1st post; my apologies... here are the links to all 3, I do believe:

Thoughts on Pride - First Post
Recognizing Personal Pride - Second Post
Recognizing Personal Pride Part 2 - A Vertical Pride - Third Post

Blessings and may your pride be squelched today :)

It's a Bird, It's a Plane... No, It Must Be a Flock of Coupons!

2008-05-02T19:02:00.004-06:00

The oddest thing happened to me on Wednesday. It was almost so surreal that I have to check myself and determine if it really happened.

I have come to love coupons. Thanks to Wendy, I'm back in the Grocery Game. I used to play the Grocery Game years ago with Bobo, Angi & Ally, but then it just became too complicated when I moved to the sticks. With soaring grocery prices and great encouragement from Wendy, I have officially hopped back on board.

Over these last few months of clipping coupons, I've amassed millions of these paper gems. I've saved our family hundreds of dollars on groceries which makes for a very happy husband. These millions of 'coups' were neatly organized by shopping category in a pink, plastic organizer that travels with me to the grocery.

OK.... so, Laura, get to the story! Wednesday morning I had about 45.2 minutes to shop for groceries and make a few more stops before heading to pick up the two little guys. So, I jump out of my car with coups and purse under my arm. I still don't know how it happened. I've replayed it over and over again in my brain wondering just how strong that wind could have been to dislodge my grasp.

What I do remember next is hours of work clipping coupons literally flying from my arms and filling the sky one by one. My hands could not move; I was absolutely helpless to prevent further loss. The coups quickly filed out of my organizer like little soldiers headed for the sky.

And then it was quiet. The storm passed and the damage was complete. After a survey of the disaster, it seems that only the 'household' coupons mutinied, while the paper goods and cereal coupons were happy to remain under my watchful care. I may note that the 'household' section was my largest and most important collection. Alas.

Transparency

2008-04-24T13:07:00.005-06:00

The week of being a single Mom went fairly well... until the very last 24 hours. While I'd love to sit here and say that I was SuperMom, the reality is that I made mudpies out of most of Thursday. All week, I tried to do this dance of juggling toddlers, dirty diapers, fights between older siblings and capturing dust bunnies. Yet, when I took some time at the end of the days to contemplate, all I could remember was stepping all over everyone's feet.

I have a friend who keeps the wee boys for 3-4 hours per week for me. It is beyond description what this time does to renew. It has absolutely nothing to do with my love for them or my desire to spend almost every waking moment with them. It is simply recharging my batteries so that I can be a better Mommy. To those of you who 'have it all together' this may sound really weird. To those of you stumbling along this dusty path called Mommyhood, you know exactly what I mean.

I know, without doubt, that God did not intend for us to go it alone. Why do I attempt in my difficult moments to dig my heels in and go with me and God, without seeking encouragement and support from the godly people who surround me?

Why can't we be more transparent with one another? Do we think we will shake someone's faith by admitting that we aren't perfect? Truthfully, it is the exact opposite, I believe. To see someone, whose faith I respect and admire, struggle along grasping for God all the way just gives me the desire to draw near to Him all the more. Then, why didn't I pick up the phone and call someone? Hmmm... could it be that grandfather of all sins, pride?

I have to digress .... One really neat thing happened Thursday. I have made a friend via this blog named Gracie. She and I have exchanged many, many e-mail and much encouragement regarding fostering, adoption and faith. And yet, I've never heard her voice... until Thursday. When I came home from picking up the little boys, there was a message on my machine from Gracie!!! I called her back and we actually got to visit for a bit. I was absolutely shocked, tickled and very blessed. In the midst of my prideful moments, God sent a ray of sunshine.

My friend, Kerri, has written a series on pride on her blog. There are so many excellent points made within the 3 posts she has written so far on the topic. Here is the 1st post. My struggles last week absolutely stemmed from my pride... Friend, next time, you may be getting a phone call!!

Who, What, When, Where, Why & How

2008-04-17T14:37:00.004-06:00

How did I get that picture of Baby Girl? Why did I? Who did I contact? I've had questions of all sorts about this topic and here is the short answer:

During the transition of Baby Girl from our care to the care of her permanent family, we were able to spend 2 hours with the family at Stonebriar Mall on Mother's Day 2007. Many of you know that her new family has two Mommies. This was God's challenge to us - can you love these women despite their personal choice that you disagree with?

These two hours were a time for this family to meet Baby Girl and for all of us to decide about the timetable for her transition. These women were very kind and gracious to us. They are foster parents and, at that time, were still waiting for the adoption of Baby Girl's brothers to be finalized. They were understanding of our feelings and made it clear that we could contact them any time we were ready to have updates on her, etc.

I find it sad that it took me almost a year to be 'ready' to see pictures of her with her new family. The grief process was much longer than I ever anticipated. But, as I mentioned in the last post, God was faithful to bring the grief to a conclusion. Suddenly, I found myself ready to see her and celebrate her life.

After hubby and I spoke extensively about the matter, I emailed one of the women this week. She was again very kind and gracious and sent me many pictures. She wanted to know all about our family and never even asked 'what took you so long?'

My feelings are all over the board here ... yet I really, truly feel such a profound sense of peace for her life and for ours. And as I've mentioned many times before, I look forward to seeing her again one day.

Baby Girl Grows Up...

2008-04-15T09:59:00.006-06:00

Do you recognize that cutie in the middle? It is our Baby Girl, today at 16 months old. I sit here with the biggest smile on my face and the greatest sense of peace about her life. God is good to give grief a conclusion, isn't He? It is also precious to see just how much alike these 3 look ... these are her brothers! I say a resounding Amen to this, don't you?

Still In the Land of the Living ...

2008-04-07T19:26:00.003-06:00

To blog or not to blog? Things are nutty with two toddlers; it is much different with another one walking about. My smiggens of time that used to be open for blogging are no longer. So, what to do?

Hmmm. I love to write. Sometimes I sort through issues by planning out a blog post. I've even printed off portions of the blog for Prince Caspian's baby book. How relieved was I to have my feelings on paper for him. And yet, if I cannot blog regularly, do I even continue?

I started this effort as a way to avoid mass e-mail to keep folks updated on our fostering journey. Today, there are rare times when I feel the need to update ... we have an adoption under our belts and one prayerfully on the way.

A dilemma, to be certain.

These days are full. So many things to appreciate; so many things to ponder; so many necks to hug and bottoms to wipe.

Here's hoping your corner of the world is sunny and your garden grows well, literally and figuratively speaking.

Delays of a Legal Sort

2008-03-28T09:47:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was Little Boy Blue's supposed 'final hearing.' The DA was planning to terminate his birth Dad's parental rights. They cannot find this man; at one point, they thought he was incarcerated in Odessa. Now, he has disappeared. It is difficult to legally terminate on a missing person. There are many hoops to jump through to make sure 'legal notice' has been sufficient.

So, there was a mistake. One of the attorneys missed something on the citation that was published in the newspaper. The Judge is bound by the law to require proper notice. So, the Judge has put the termination hearing off until June 5; then the permanency hearing on June 13. The 90-day appeal period will not begin ticking until then. We are disappointed, no doubt about that. And yet, so what? So he's not ours until later this year ... does a date change anything about the way we feel? Absolutely not.

Rollercoaster Day ...

2008-03-27T21:04:00.004-06:00

Today was just plain weird. I cannot say it turned out to be a great day; nor can I say it turned out to be a horrible day. We had highs and lows and everything in between. There were points when I was about to be bald from pulling hair out to points where I sat quietly and planted seeds because I could do nothing else productive.

I have a very whiny toddler on my hands. He is teething, I think. (Let's give him the benefit of the doubt here.) He wants to be outside at all times. He cannot stand the thought of my paying attention to Little Mommy instead of him. (his brothers are fine objects of my attention; just not his sister) He wants to eat non-stop. (While I'm prone to exaggeration, I am not exaggerating here, I promise!) Oh, and he's approaching 2 in a few months.

So, really I should just be patient with him and allow him the freedom to move around, etc. But there's this pesky little, tiny thing called school that most days has to get done. Bother.

And, I have this itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny problem called impatience... actually, my lack of patience is an enormous problem. I keep going back to God every single morning
and He faithfully reminds me that His mercies are new every day... I can start over and try again with His help to be a better, more patient Mommy today than I was yesterday.

Happily, the day ended on a good note. Arriving at that end required several moments when I stopped school and changed direction. One such moment, I put everyone in a quiet spot, including me. One such moment, I sent an e-mail to a friend asking for immediate prayer. One such moment, I pulled out a book we bought Prince Caspian in honor of his adoption and read it aloud to everyone and just bawled my eyes out. (I can't remember the title right now, but I'll be sure to share it another time.) One such moment, I imagined myself on a sandy beach with my husband in Hawaii saying our vows and having utterly no idea that this would be the way it all played out.

You know what amazes me? My kids are so forgiving. I love that about them. They understand that we walk the same challenging road and they recognize that I, too, make mistakes. And they are so quick to apologize and say they love me no matter what. It is true that we learn much from our wee ones. If you doubt such wisdom, just come visit my home on any given day. You will see one family learning much about love and forgiveness.

He Is Risen!

2008-03-23T16:57:00.006-06:00

He is alive!

I awoke today feeling the weariness of a week of absolute craziness. Yesterday, I realized Easter was today! I felt like I was spiritually asleep in terms of what Easter means to me. 5:00 a.m. I awoke with a start. I wanted to go back to sleep so badly. Yet, something stirred within me to get my lazy self up and prepare for the risen Christ.

What a blessing ... I had an opportunity to read the stories of the resurrection in all 4 gospels before anyone got up. It was the perfect thing to get me back in gear and focus on the reason for this special celebration. Plus, it prepared me for the message that was to come when we went with my parents to their church. It was a convicting message that I more than needed to hear about sharing the 'good news' of our faith.

Guess what else happened today .... Little Boy Blue's 1st Birthday! Little Boy Blue is ONE today. What a fun day. I will admit though - making 2 of those cakes in one week was really trying on my patience. And to think that June now holds 4 family birthdays ... just makes me want to shriek and run for cover!

Finally, we have had the distinct honor of having Alex's cousin from London stay with us on and off this week. His funny stories, his french horn, his faith and his delightful accent have been a welcome to our Spring Break. And, as you can tell, he has HUGE fans in our family.

It's a Boy!!

2008-03-17T14:42:00.006-06:00

We have a new son!! A new, official male member of the family! It is official; he is ours... for keeps. We aren't just playing dress-up with him anymore.

The day started off VERY early... up at 5:00 a.m. and out the door at 6:00 a.m. Wee ones went straight from bed & jammies to car. Big kids and extra big kids got dressed up and began the 2 hour trek to Fort Worth, the town that gave birth to our Prince Caspian! Oh, first we dropped off Little Boy Blue at my friend, Theresa's house. Lucky lady... wee bairn all to herself for hours after he had a very difficult night.

We arrived at a beautiful, brand-new courthouse ready to go.

An interesting aside ... the court schedules all uncontested matters during a 30 minute time frame first thing in the morning. Uncontested included about 15 divorces and our adoption. A divorce takes literally 60 seconds. Sad, isn't it?

The Judge was just incredible. She immediately took hold of our Prince Caspian and made him feel like a true Prince Caspian. Special toys she kept tucked away for moments like these ...

She made us feel very special and very fortunate. Sweet boy had been waiting almost an hour and a half before our case came up. We were all feeling a bit weary, but the Judge gave us a huge energy boost!

Grandmom, Papa Jim & Granny Sally were there for the event, followed by a huge brunch at IHOP.

Back at home, we had a party ... complete with an Elmo cake! Bubbles and noise makers were provided by Covenant Kids.

My precious son, I cannot wait for you to look back on this day. I pray that you feel every ounce of love that our family poured out just for you today. You so deserve this special celebration!! Just 8 months ago today we found out we were chosen to be your family.

I go to bed tonight so tired, but oh so thankful! Sometimes I kiss those little chubby cheeks and I wonder at how I can ever thank God for such a gift; the gift of another son; the gift of you! Happy Adoption Day, Little Man!! Your Mommy & Daddy love you.

Photo Opportunity ...

2008-03-15T14:18:00.006-06:00

Isn't he the cat's meow? I've been working this week to get a few special pictures of Prince Caspian to use for an adoption announcement. In addition, I'm working on his baby/adoption book. It is such a pleasure to revisit these memories and realize just how far we've come in a short 6 months. Enjoy these photos of my tiny boys... growing like little weeds!

Had to include this one of Gabey-baby, too!

A rare picture of Mommy with Prince Caspian ... why is it that I'm always on the other side of the camera??

What I'm Learning ....

2008-03-14T05:56:00.005-06:00

Thank you so much for those encouraging comments and e-mail. Your words, friends, just encourage, encourage, encourage. I'm grateful for each one.

The meeting last night was lovely ... not a huge turnout, but very interested people came through the door. One local judge spoke about what she sees in her family court; a CASA volunteer explained how these volunteers help provide a broad range of services to foster children; Covenant Kids shared great information about the agency and their non-profit ministry; and one other foster Mom and I shared our stories. (Alex really needed to be at a baseball thing with Budding Author, so I went on my own.)

I was first-up and was able to share our story without tears ... surprise! The precious Mom after me made me cry with her words that were straight from the heart.

The most interesting thing about the entire night was that the audience was made up of primarily people over 45 years of age. Several attendees were of retirement age and had already completely raised their biological children and were seeking to foster. Don't you find that incredible? I do.

Lately, as we have contemplated what the future holds for us and fostering, one thing that continually comes up is our age. Why? Why are we so bothered by the fact that we are turning 40 this year and have young children? Is our vanity that large?

Our society certainly places a premium on youth; yet, we aren't supposed to operate by society's goals, right? Why am I bothered? Why when I look in the mirror do I see an aging, tired face and think 'Oh, we could never take any more kids.' That is just nonsense.

I was reminded last night of the faces of children waiting for homes. A reminder like this gets me contemplating a commitment to fostering for the rest of my life on earth. How? I don't know. It just makes no sense for a family who has been blessed with room and love to say 'no.'

The other foster Mom did say I'd stepped on her toes by what I'd shared about loving Little Boy Blue's Mom. I reminded her that by 'loving' I did not mean that I wanted to be his Mom's best friend or that I supported her bad decisions. It just means that I see clearly the bondage his Mom is in and I recognize her need for a Savior, just like me. I think it puts things into perspective. Not an easy proposition, by any means. But we are required to love, like it or not.

As always, I'm just walking one step by one step ... hoping God will shine the light on my path just enough for me to be able to step-up and not trip over the next stair.

Input Needed...

2008-03-09T19:19:00.003-06:00

Thursday night we are sharing our fostering story for a foster parents recruitment event sponsored by Covenant Kids. The anticipated attendees are church-going people ... most of the advertisement was done through local churches.

We are both going to share for about 5-7 minutes each. I'm telling our experience and Alex is going to 'rally the troops' as he puts it. We are not supposed to focus upon Prince Caspian's adoption, but rather on foster-to-adopt in general.

So, with that background, I'd like for you to read what I've compiled and offer suggestions. Is anything I'm going to say inappropriate for the audience? Go gentle on me, now!

"The seed, the idea of adoption, was planted before either of our natural-born children arrived. When we were told that we might not be able to conceive, adoption became an exciting option. Ultimately, we did conceive, twice. We were and are thrilled to be parents of two healthy biological children, ages 7 & 4. As our family has grown and matured, it was as if a person or two… or even three, were missing. It wasn’t a sadness, or a reduced sense of happiness; just an odd feeling that those chairs at our table were meant for someone permanent.

In August of 2006, our hearts were convinced that we were to adopt a child through the Texas foster care system. So, we began training to be an ‘adoption only’ home. During training CK asked everyone ‘adoption only’ to pray about being a foster or foster-to-adopt home. God slowly began to show us that this was not about us … but about Him and His greater purposes. So, we agreed to be a foster-to-adopt home. A foster-to-adopt home accepts foster children who may end up being adoptable as their case progresses.

After much preparation, our home was officially licensed with CPS through Covenant Kids on Valentine’s Day 2007. What a day to start this amazing journey.

Two short days later we received our first placement, an infant girl who had been abandoned in Dallas. We loved her instantly. From the very second I saw her face, all of the doubt about my ability to love another child vanished. We nicknamed her and she quickly became a part of our everyday life …

The chances of her staying with our family were very, very high when no one came forward to claim her after 30 days, then 60 days… But God had other plans for her life and for ours. The surprise call came out of the blue…. Our precious baby girl had brothers. Two completely opposite responses surfaced almost immediately... First response - Praise God! Two brothers! Second response - No, it simply cannot be! We had it all planned out, we'd already decided on her name, her bedroom, her first car, where she would go to college... OK, so not quite that far. But we LOVED her. We drifted back and forth between these two responses until we finally just began to accept. We take the gift for what it had been, pure joy!

We had the unbelievable blessing of watching a child unfold; of witnessing the transformation of a little one reaching out to a family who desperately loved her. How could we even ask for more?

Was this our 'plan', our ideal situation? Absolutely not. But did we finally rest in peace after wrestling with God? Absolutely.

We began asking some big questions about our faith … What exactly is God asking us to do when we love another? Are we to love only when we receive love in return? Are we to 'guard our hearts' and only love in pieces? Or are we to love with our complete selves expecting absolutely nothing?

Often people comment to Alex or me, "Oh, I could never be a foster parent because of the hurt of letting go." The letting go hurts; yet, when we make statements such as the one above, are we really allowing God’s love to work in and through us?

This is such a difficult thing. I do not claim to understand the depth of God's love for humanity; nor do I claim to understand the love we are to show to a hurting world. I do know this - such a love, one that exists beyond all self-motivation, is supernatural. It is of God. It is impossible for us, as believers, to 'create' on their own.

So, the question we had to ask … can we allow God to lovingly work through us, trusting that He will ease the grief of letting go? In other words, do we really trust God with our hearts?

We did not jump back in immediately. We decided to provide respite care for other foster families… Respite is short-term care for foster children when other foster parents need a break of some sort. During our 2 respite placements, God showed us that we could feel the same intensity, the same depth of love for other children. We found out that our calling to be foster-to-adopt parents was really from God; the love we felt was His love toward these children.

Our next placement was a baby boy, Little Boy Blue. Even as they were bringing him through the door, I thought to myself, "what if I cannot do this again?" But there he was. The choice was already made. He was to be loved by me, at least for now.

With Little Boy Blue's case, we had an even more difficult proposition to consider - loving the 'someone else' who caused this child to be considered neglected, abandoned, abused and unloved. I do remember the very first night we had baby girl … my sweet husband was up all night worrying that there was a Mommy somewhere searching for her baby. You see, although she was abandoned in a very ugly place, my husband still believed in a mother's love...

So, how do you love someone who does this to a helpless, innocent, child? Just like we love any other person... Only with the miraculous, life-changing Spirit of God can we view people through His eyes and not our own.

For a time, Little Boy Blue had weekly visits with his Mom and extended family. I was not doing well in the area of loving his Mom.... I began to pray for God to peel back the layers of my own prejudice and judgment and allow me to see his Mom for who she was. And, God was faithful to do just that.

Every week for his visit, I would send pictures and a note written from Little Boy Blue to his Mommy. And, then one week, I received a note in return. Funny, when you put a face on someone and you read words of gratitude, it is very difficult not to sympathize and even 'like' that person. Brutal honesty, I did not want to like her. But I found that I sort of did... you see, she and I are connected by this precious baby. She gave this child life!

Even then, I did not desire to meet her in person. Never did I fathom that I could look her in the eyes and see a woman more like me than I ever imagined or wanted to admit. In fact, I remember saying to God that I could never actually do it, meet her I mean. And then, the letter came. CPS wanted us to meet with the caseworkers and his Mommy to discuss permanency plans. Unbelievable! The very one thing I did not think I could handle had come to pass.

Honestly, it turned out to be a surprise blessing. I cannot clearly explain in words what it did for me to see her in person. I do know this... she went from being this negative image in my mind to being a living, breathing person, in the flesh. I saw our similarities. She and I are both fallen human beings who have made poor choices and are in need of a Savior. It really became that simple. In her, I saw a Mommy's love shining through, I saw a heart and mind capable of so many things.

After that meeting, our prayers changed. We believed and still believe, without a doubt, that Little Boy Blue's Mommy can change and we believe in the One who can speak to her heart. We began to pray that she would see Him everywhere she turned and, believe it or not, as a family, we were actually praying that she would have a chance at getting him back.

That was not God’s plan. After a series of serious missteps, she relinquished her parental rights to Little Boy Blue just over a month ago, almost 9 months since he arrived at our house. While it is not certain that we will be able to adopt him, it is looking really, really positive.

But, the story does not end there. Shortly after Little Boy blue arrived, we were selected as the adoptive family for another little boy, our Prince Caspian. His parental rights had been terminated before we ever met him. When he came to live with us, we knew he was going to be a part of our forever family. His adoption will be finalized next Monday, on St. Patrick’s Day.

There is no doubt that we, as believers, are to care for those who are unable to care for themselves. For our family, that means physically doing the caring. For other families, it may mean something altogether different. That is what I love about God... we all have a different task and we are perfectly equipped to complete the task that He asks of us.

It all boils down to faith. Do I trust that the God of the universe cares for our family? Do I really believe that He knows these children and will care for them? Do I really believe He loves me and knows what my heart can handle? Do I really believe that He will work all things together for His good? I do.

God has promised to be a Father to the fatherless; and He allows us to participate in this exciting task. Incredible.

This is my lesson... If God had pulled back the curtain and shown me what 2007 was going to look like, I would have said 'No thank you, this heart can't handle that. You'll have to pick someone else.' And I would have missed it all!"

10 short days ...

2008-03-07T12:48:00.005-06:00

and Prince Caspian will be OURS!!! Just got the call from our attorney. St. Patrick's Day will have a whole new meaning for our family.... adoption. WOW.

Alex has decided to plant a magnolia tree in honor of Prince Caspian. That excites me ... to think that we will have fragrant, cream blossoms as a reminder of his precious life.

Funny aside. I was impatient this morning with my kiddos. During school, I had to take a Mommy break so that I didn't lose it on everyone. Also, our home phone was almost cut off because I forgot :) to send the bill in. As I sat in the kitchen swallowing spoonful after spoonful of Nutella, (ever try that yummy stuff?) the phone rang. It was the attorney. Quick way to make a Mommy feel remorseful, I'll tell ya that! Plus, I'm glad my phone wasn't disconnected.

We are so happy, we could burst! I cannot wait to show you pictures of the blanket my Mom is making for the newest member. Oh, and I want to do adoption announcements ... amidst the millions of other details

Filled with joy,
Laura

Hither and Yon

2008-03-04T18:04:00.004-06:00

I've become a horrible blogger. Just lazy, I guess. Or maybe, could it be the sickness that pervades every square centimeter of our house?

Yesterday, we added another sickie to the ranks ... Last week, it was Prince Caspian with an ear infection, then Little Boy Blue with the same. I took a sore throat over the weekend which has turned into a nice viral infection. Today, I took Budding Author to our friendly family physician and he has the flu or strep or both.

Interesting aside ... we gave Budding Author his first dose of Tamiflu and he had a very weird halluncination-type thing happen. My trusty Fox News anchor told me this morning that other children have had psychiatric side effects to Tamiflu in Japan. So, we've decided to skip the Tamiflu and hope the antibiotic is what is needed.

How are you?? Anything exciting happening in your life that you might need to start a blog and share?

A few things to catch up on here:

Little Boy Blue is taking steps. Prince Caspian is perfectly on track with his speech and other developmental areas and does not qualify for ECI (yippeee). We weren't so oblivious after all!

I have many things cooking in my head to write about and not enough time to write... isn't that true of every area of our lives?

Until then,
Laura

Celebrating Wendy ...

2008-02-27T20:41:00.005-06:00

Have you ever met someone who just surprised the daylights out of you? Have you ever listened to someone's story and wondered 'could I ever do that?' Have you ever just stood, mouth gaping open, in disbelief at the strength of character of another human being?

That is how I view my friend, Wendy. And sometimes, when we are on the phone, I sit with my mouth literally open ... disbelieving.

Almost one year ago, Alex & I went to a mandatory training at Covenant Kids. Baby Girl had been with us a very short time and we had zero 'approved babysitters.' Baby Girl had to go with us. The 3 of us sat right next to Wendy.

Sometimes, I can be shy. I know it sounds really humorous; yet, it is true. There are times when I will sit for hours next to someone and pretend they aren't there while I'm engrossed in whatever I'm doing. I sat next to Wendy and hardly said 2 words.

She struck up a great conversation with me... asking all about beautiful Baby Girl. At that point, we were still in awe of the whole situation with her and just sure she would be ours. Wendy asked lots of questions and listened intently.

Wendy is a teacher at a private school in McKinney. She is single and young. (Anyone under 35 is young to me!). At the beginning of 2007, Wendy felt led to become a foster Mom. She is a person of deep faith. Here she sat in training with us as we oooed and aaaahed over Reese.

We left the training that night and didn't see her again until June at a CK evening at the Ballpark in Arlington. There is Wendy... and she is so friendly to us! She had just received her license as a foster Mom. We had just sent Reese to her new home. Boy, how quickly things change.

She was anxiously awaiting her very first placement. She was ready with car seats and a stockpiled pantry. By the end of that same week, Wendy had her first placement ... 2 boys ages 6 & 8, brothers, who had been removed in an emergency situation. She tells it in a funny way ... she got a call and a few short hours later they were all sitting around her kitchen table eating dinner. That was June of last year.

Fast forward ... these 2 boys spent the summer swimming, going to VBS, being baptized, starting a new school, experiencing Christmas and Santa for the very first time, meeting new friends and becoming attached to Miss Wendy. Wendy's class at school made a way for them to go to Sea World over Christmas vacation. What an experience they have had!

These 2 will be leaving Wendy next week. A relative placement has come through for them ... a blessing in many ways. And yet, can you even imagine the feelings of these 2 as they leave a place that has become 'home' to them? And Wendy, how will her life be forever changed?

I just needed to share her story... for so many reasons. When I look at Wendy, I am strengthened. She has done this alone, by herself, without the help of a husband. But, she has had the strength of her God, the calling that came from Him. And, she rests in His plan for these boys.

Do I dare to trust the Lord the way Wendy has? Do you?

Tell me, is that not the most beautiful picture of God's love that you've seen?

Be strengthened, my friend, Wendy. May these days be full of laughter and fun as these very precious lives open a new chapter. And may you rest in the arms of the One who called you to this very important task.

Final Hearing Date ...

2008-02-27T13:25:00.006-06:00

A date has been set for Little Boy Blue's final hearing ... March 27th. Yipppeee. That makes the 90-day appeal time ending on June 27th. Great news for our family. It is very hard to believe that we will adopt 2 boys in 2008!

On another note, we have been asked to speak to prospective foster parents in the Sherman/Denison area about our experiences with CPS. The goal is to paint a very realistic picture of what foster-to-adoption is like for families who are entering this process. We are honored to do this for Covenant Kids. Our experiences have been very typical and will hopefully help someone with setting expectations.

It is interesting that they really don't want us to talk much about Prince Caspian's adoption because his situation was very atypical. Usually, children his age are adopted by their foster parents, so a straight adoption through CPS of a young child rarely happens. So, while we would love to talk about our Prince Caspian, he doesn't get to be the focus.

**Tune in later this week as I celebrate my fostering friend, Wendy, who is a single Mom whose faith sharpens mine.

A Picture is Worth ...

2008-02-19T18:44:00.006-06:00

"Look Mom, No Hands!"

Any day now. It is coming, I feel it ... his first steps are rapidly approaching. Whew. I view this new thing with both excitement and hesitation. I've carried my camera around today so that I would be 'ready-Freddy' just in case the event took place. Here are a few shots of the crew ...

"Ooo, Ooo, Ooo, I Wanna Be Like You Ooo Ooo"

"Adam's Apple"

"Tickling the Ivories"

"What About Me, and Me, and Me?"

"Live!, Cooking with Prince Caspian"

Fun has many faces, doesn't it?

Quiet Mommy Speaks...

2008-02-14T19:41:00.005-06:00

For some reason, writing has been a bit slow for me this week. I feel like Tigger inside; yet, my voice sounds something like Eeyore. Interesting combo of personalities, huh?

Here is what is up in our world ...

1. It is V-Day! A day to celebrate luv, luv, luv. My sweetie of a hubby wrote me a poem in honor of the occasion. Funny thing, I never realized that he was a poet. And yet his sweet words were precious to me and too precious to share!

2. Today is the one-year anniversary of our becoming a licensed foster family. Yipppeee. I celebrated that aspect of the day by cautiously opening the nursery room closet and peering deep inside the depths to discover 3 huge black trash bags with baby girl clothes. A friend is having a baby girl and our church is great about rotating clothes. It is my turn to rotate.

So, I ventured in ... The rush of emotions simply blew me right off my feet. I found the sweetest clothes that I'd purchased for Baby Girl - a onesie that says 'I Love Daddy' and two onesies decorated with beautiful ribbon. These she never wore; we found out just days after I purchased these that she would be leaving. I also found the very special pink 'horsey sweater' that a church friend gave Baby Girl the day after she arrived in our home. And I found the purple soft bunting that looked so beautiful on her. And so on...

I sat and cried huge crocodile tears while my hubby and baby Prince Caspian looked on. Prince Caspian was confused. Alex was a bit emotional, too. It hit us both completely and utterly by surprise. That is how grief is, I guess. What should have been complete so long ago still lingers.

3. We have had millions of questions about what we plan to do next as foster parents. With circumstances as they exist right now, we feel led to do the following ... IF one of the boys has a future sibling, we would like to be the first family considered to adopt that sibling. Outside of that situation, we will take at least 6 months off after all adoptions are finalized and then we plan be a foster home for short-term infant placements. (According to Little Mommy, we are only taking baby girls.)

We simply cannot give up this license when there are many babies who come into the system for a few weeks waiting for extended family to pass a home study. Many families who want to take infants really want to adopt and are, therefore, not able to take short-term babies. We were that family one year ago. We would not have dreamed of taking a short-term infant placement.

So, here we have come completely full circle. The circumstances are so different on this side ... we have 2 boys to call our own. We can be a real 'foster family' now... after our break, of course.

Tah, Tah for Now! Or TTFN in Tigger-speak!

As I Was Just Saying...

2008-02-07T18:19:00.001-06:00

... in my last post how cute Prince Caspian's language development has become. Really, I had no idea that he may be truly delayed. Ouch.

Today, ECI (Early Childhood Intervention) was here to do therapy with Little Boy Blue. Due to Prince Caspian's 'neediness' he often participates in the therapy, too. Lucky Little Boy Blue. The therapist/LPC has subtly asked me questions for a few weeks about Prince Caspian's speech and lack of pronunciation. I did not pick up on any of the subleties. In my mind, he is perfect and Einstein, too, in case you were wondering.

Yesterday, my Mom asked me about his speech and I poo-pooed it and got out my 'What to Expect the Toddler Years' book and read about how individualized speech development is, etc.

Back to today... after Little Boy Blue's therapy, I asked the therapist outright what he thought about Prince Caspian's speech. He laughed and said he thought he needed a referral for ECI. He said he had wanted to say something more direct to us for several weeks, but did not want to overstep his boundaries and make us upset.

We are in no way upset. To the contrary. We understand (on some level) that this child has been exposed to toxic substances, has been moved 3 times in the foster care system and may have some issues as he grows. We are his champions and will 'go to the mat' to get him the services and resources that he needs to thrive and develop properly. All we need is information and we are off.

The Year of Prince Caspian

2008-02-04T20:56:00.001-06:00

How unbelievably coincidental is it that our Prince Caspian, will be adopted in the year that the Chronicles of Narnia movie, Prince Caspian, is released! In fact, the movie will be released in May, just 2 short months from his A-Date.

The first Narnia movie, Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe, was, in my estimation, a movie masterpiece. As I sit reminiscing, I can this moment feel the adrenaline rush of the battle scene. The forces of good versus the forces of evil... yet, I know who wins. The music, stirring every nerve within me. The goodness and strength of Aslan who arrives at the perfect moment. How can it be topped from a cinematography standpoint?

While the Christian allegorical application of the Chronicles of Narnia is not exact, precise or even meant to be so, the stories were nonetheless written by one Christian thinker to whom I owe a large 'thank you.' C.S. Lewis got me seeking; a huge feat in-and-of itself. Seeking leads to things, you know. And, if you seek, you will find.

Prince Caspian, our Prince Caspian, is a delightful fellow. His words are multiplying rapidly, yet still garbled. I love this age ... where the intimacy of family allows for communication which to outsiders appears as just mumbling. It is a secret language, understood only by those standing in the inner circle. How I rejoice to be in his inner circle! My favorite current word of his is 'nose' ... it comes out as a country boy 'nooooooouuuuuusssssss.'

I do grow weary of his whining these days. A reminder about 19 month olds is always welcome my way. While his words multiply, they cannot quite keep up with his brain as it seeks to communicate; hence, the whining... for the most part. Some whining just stems from wanting to be and do what big brother and sister do with Mommy during school hours. So, we make adjustments.

And in a mere 16.25 years, I'll be dreaming of my own Prince Caspian and how the years flew by. May my tired Mommy eyes stay open for the entire ride.

Loving Little Boy Blue

2008-01-31T15:51:00.001-06:00

The day began early, early at 2:30 a.m. with my mind reviewing all of the endless possibilities of the upcoming hours. I did not realize how much this day would weigh on both Alex and me.

With Prince Caspian, we were spared all of this. By the time we heard anything about him, both parental rights had been terminated. We never met his biological Mom or Dad. We did not walk in the precarious position of loving-and-letting-go with him. It is beautiful to be able to feel confident in our future with Prince Caspian. With Little Boy Blue, we have borne the ups and downs while, thankfully, he has been blissfully unaware.

We left our house an hour and a half before the court time. (the drive is typically only 45 minutes) On 380, we encountered two very bad accidents and quickly found ourselves hurtling through the countryside, late, to the very thing we have anticipated for so many months. To top it off, we got lost.

Fortunately, the court was back-logged and our timing turned out to be a blessing to us, as well as to Little Boy Blue's Mom. Is it not funny how what we think is the enemy slowing us down, is actually God giving a tidbit of grace to another Mommy's heart??

She decided to relinquish her parental rights to Little Boy Blue.

If we had been there 5 minutes earlier, we would have been in the courtroom when the guards brought her in and we would have had to witness another human being's deepest hour. I am grateful that she was able to be with her family in the courtroom without our distraction.

We were then brought in the courtroom for the admission of evidence relating to the Great-Grandmother and Grandfather. The testimony revealed new information to us; information about abuse on all levels, information about family dysfunction and information that allowed us to see God's hand in removing this one baby from these cycles.

I hurt. My tears are unending for Little Boy Blue's Mommy. My tears are unending for what her life growing up must have been. I cry a river of thankfulness for this baby's life.

We also found out that CPS has located his birth Dad. He is incarcerated in Odessa and has 6 children. The attorneys are working to terminate his rights. And, then the 90 day appeal/intervention period begins. We continue down this long and winding road, one baby step at a time...

For this moment, I just look to tomorrow. Tomorrow Little Boy Blue has a good-bye visit with his Grandfather and Great-Grandmother. The Great-Grandmother is really pushing us, through an attorney, to allow future visits. We are absolutely sticking to our guns on this one. I cannot imagine a situation where it would be in his best interest to continue a relationship. We will always be open with him, and Prince Caspian, about the beauty of adoption and the gift that their biological Moms both gave them. The revelation of additional information will come as they mature appropriately, and not before.

I pray that Little Boy Blue's Mom finds rest. I pray that she knows peace. I pray that she will find Him and He will change her.

The Big Day is Thursday!

2008-01-30T20:41:00.001-06:00

12 hours and counting down. The trial is on schedule for tomorrow morning. It has been moved to another court due to a continuing trial. I'm going to assume that the new judge will hear all of the information and be prepared to stand in the shoes of the old judge. Please God, let this be the case.

We've gotten wind that the Great-Grandmother is seeking ongoing visitation for herself and Little Boy Blue's Mom in exchange for Mom's relinquishment. We are NOT on board with this. We do not think this is in Little Boy Blue's best interest. Thankfully, his attorney 100% agrees with us.

I do not know what we are facing tomorrow. This I know; regardless of how relieved we will be to see one more phase of this completed for Little Boy Blue, I still feel a lingering sense of sadness for his Mom.

We are relieved that it does not appear that we will have to testify. I did not relish the thought of being 'in her face' about him. Now, I can concentrate all of my energy on keeping the tears at bay. I do not want to cry - happy or sad tears - in the midst of these people who are suffering.

Will you pray for all of the parties involved? It is not going to be an easy day for any of us.

Until tomorrow,
Laura

A Crown Without a Princess ...

2008-01-29T14:00:00.001-06:00

No, I'm not a princess or a queen, much to my dismay. It isn't actually that type of crown to which I refer. I have put off dental work now for over 8 months. The idea of a crown was not delightful to me; in fact, the idea was downright frightening. It has been 30 years since I've had any type of dental work. So, I just decided there was no way I really needed a crown, right? The dentist was just pulling my leg, right?

Actually, as the months past and I blatantly disregarded professional advice, I realized I needed 2 crowns instead of 1. Approaching 40 years of age brings so many delights, doesn't it?

Yesterday morning, my mother-in-law came down to watch the brood and I headed to the dentist. I can think of at least 2.4 million other things I'd rather do with a morning without children than where I was headed. Could I bolt and sneak off for coffee and donuts and forget the entire thing? I so wish I had more of that personality.

So, I spent 2.5 hours in a dental chair while someone cheerfully ground away at my teeth and then left with what felt like an enormous bottom jaw. Oh, happy day!

Adventuring with God ...

2008-01-26T16:16:00.001-06:00

Our Pastor and his wife, Kerri, are special friends of ours. They love the Lord and have always listened closely for His call in every area of their lives. Today, they announced to our church that they will be answering His call in accepting an appointment as missionaries to Caxias do Sul, Brazil. Big news for our church family. Big news for the Waits family, too.

Almost 4 years ago, when we moved out to the sticks, our biggest concern was finding a church home. We prayed and prayed and the first church we visited was Pin Oaks Christian Fellowship. We never visited another church.

Our church is a unique place. I would say that our congregation is made up of 'serious Christians.' By that, I don't mean serious people. We laugh and cut up more than most. (Remember that Chili Cook-off win by yours truly with the Gillespie handmade trophy!) But, we are all seeking to be closer to God. These people are the real deal in a world of imitations. And, at the helm, is our Pastor and his family. He is our teacher and the founder of this church.

So, it is with both sadness and excitement that we share in their news. We rejoice at God's mighty work in their family. They are facing an entire year of learning Italian AND Portuguese; no small task. I'll tell you this; they will be prayed for by their church family here in North Texas. Our prayers will be many on their behalf.

Please visit their blog, Adventuring with God. Go back and read how God has called this family gradually at some points and not-so-gradually at others. Share in their excitement and anticipation. And, if He speaks to your heart, join their prayer support. You will be blessed.

One Giant Step Forward ...

2008-01-24T16:30:00.001-06:00

As I was sitting here typing an e-mail about how our lack of information on Little Boy Blue's case is driving me crazy, I received an e-mail from our caseworker. She did not get to come for the visit today and instead sent her assistant to view LBB and make sure he was in one piece.

The caseworker's e-mail was fabulous news for our family. Termination trial is set for next Thursday. Assuming the termination happens, there are NO family members willing to take him on a permanent basis!!! NO family members. While that is a very sad thing, we are elated! We have moved up on the list to #1 at this point.

There is always the possibility of a relative intervening during the appeal time (90 days after termination). Yet, this is unlikely.

More information - Little Boy Blue's grandfather wants him to stay with us. He has expressed appreciation for our care and feels like Little Boy Blue belongs here. We are very willing to provide the Grandfather and his Mother, LBB's Great-Grandmother, with pictures and letters. The logistics of protecting our privacy still must be worked out.

Can you believe it?? This precious little one who we have imagined and dreamed to be ours is likely going to be ours. What an indescribable gift.

Hello, Mr. Darcy ...

2008-01-20T19:04:00.001-06:00

If you love Jane Austen and/or Masterpiece Theater, you will get excited by 'The Complete Jane Austen' series that is showing on PBS through April 6th on Sunday evenings. Tonight is Northanger Abbey at 8 pm central. Of course, my all-time favorite Jane Austen is Pride & Prejudice, and I specifically love the Masterpiece Theater version.

Have you ever watched Pride & Prejudice with Laurence Olivier and Greer Garson from 1940? Personally, I like the costumes and sets to be at least semi-accurate to the time period setting of the story. I felt like I was watching the musical Oklahoma for British literature fans.

So, grab a cup of Earl Grey and enjoy!

Will We Trade Our Dreams For His?

2008-01-19T15:59:00.001-06:00

"Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me ....

Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle?"
- Casting Crowns - 'Somewhere in the Middle'

Music stirs me. Music touches the deepest parts of my soul. Music speaks to me. Or maybe I should say, I believe God speaks to me through music.

Casting Crowns is one of my favorite groups of songwriters. In reality, they are poets. I've shared another of their songs on this blog ... one about how a life can crumble gradually. It speaks to me about the need for me to act with sensitivity in relation to Little Boy Blue's Mom.

The song 'Somewhere in the Middle' has played over and over in my car as I've driven the 3 miles down the farm-to-market road toward our home. I've asked myself over and over and over 'am I caught in the middle?' Sometimes I'm resting in His peace while other moments I'm caught up in the details of living in our world. You can listen to the song by clicking below.

Will I trade my dreams for His? This line pierces me. My dreams are my dreams. His dreams are something much more challenging. The path to His dreams causes me discomfort. Yet, my dreams only result in quests for more self-fulfillment. His dreams, while difficult, change me. If I'm unwilling to change and grow at God's prodding, what purpose is there for me?

One Life, One God ...

2008-01-15T20:07:00.001-06:00

My Mom brought an outstanding video over for us to watch yesterday. It was called 'Indescribable' with Louie Giglio. He spoke on the absolute vastness of our universe and the enormity of our God. I absolutely recommend this video. You can see a tidbit of the it here ... I was so grateful of the chance to be reminded of just how small we are and how really powerful and huge is our God.

Our Pastor recently spoke about the power of one... one human life working in conjunction with one very big God. This 'One' idea has really stuck with me. He reminded us that one person, doing what God has called him or her to do, with God's help, can make a difference. It doesn't have to be a huge difference; it can be the difference for just one.

I've written in the past about the difficulties of 'closing our doors' to more children knowing that there are so many more waiting. I know that God knows our limits and has it all laid out. I also know that this burden we feel may lead us to very different ministries involving children, very different from foster care and adoption.

One person with One great and mighty God ... Astonishing!

Amen.

A Step at a Time...

2008-01-11T15:47:00.002-06:00

Little Boy Blue's visit today went well... the transporter said he laughed and played the entire time. She also said that the family is coming to terms with the fact that he may not end up with them. They asked whether (if we got to adopt him) we would be willing to communicate with them and maybe allow visits. Alex and I have talked about this at great length.

We are open for discussion of visits, maybe once per year. We would gladly send lots of pictures and welcome any pictures and letters from their end. Everything would have to go through a middle person to protect the privacy of our family and Little Boy Blue. This may sound crazy to some of you.

I'm obviously speaking very prematurely ... just laying it out there in the 'what if' category. A woman can't help but hope, can she?

All in a Day's Living...

2008-01-10T17:04:00.001-06:00

Yesterday afternoon, I thought myself prepared. It was that time again... doctor visits for the little boys. Prince Caspian's 18 month check-up and Little Boy Blue's 9 month. And I, once again, scheduled them back-to-back. Why do I do this to myself?

Side note ... Prince Caspian's immunizations are just a mess. He was in 2 foster homes; the first, provided zero records on whether he had 2 week or 2 month shots. The second, provided us with a shot record including 4 month shots and 12 month shots and nothing else. We love his second foster family. They are wonderful and obviously have their hands full with 7 kids at a time. So, after repeated requests to the former pediatrician's office for a complete records, we end up with the same information... we will have to start over.

Additionally, we recently received copies of Prince Caspian's birth records ... why weren't these provided in our initial file?? We discovered some information within them that require him to have blood work ... his Mom has Hepatitis C. This disease can remain dormant in children ... attacking without much notice. There is less than a 10% chance for it to have passed to Prince Caspian; nevertheless, we really would have liked to have had this information earlier. It would not have changed our decision by any means. If for some reason he does test positive, he could have future Medicaid benefits available that would not have been available if he were completely healthy. Follow that?

Back to the visit. Gratefully, Little Mommy wanted to go with me ... get this, she wanted to comfort them after their shots. I told you she was a Little Mommy.... complete with the nagging, hands on the hips and also a sensitive, protective nature toward these two. Thank you, God!! Little did I know how much I would need her help.

We hauled the double stroller out, a side-by-side one which barely fits through any door. We (I) filled out reams of Medicaid paperwork and wait. We move back into the exam room and Little Boy Blue begins to scream... and the screaming does not cease until we get back in the car almost 2 hours later... Weigh and measure the two littlest and wait some more. Waiting seems much longer when a child is unhappy. Where is Barney when you need him? So, there I sit with two half-naked boys (one exercising his vocal chords), a double stroller, a Little Mommy and a Big Mommy in a very small exam room... waiting.

The exams went fine and it was decided that both were also required to have TB tests and flu shots, since they are officially 'wards of the State of Texas.' So, we wait while the sweet nurses prepare all of this paraphernalia.

Little Boy Blue's shots went fine - he was upset anyway, so what are a few shots??

When the two nurses tried to take Prince Caspian's blood, they discovered that his chubby arms hold 'rolling veins' ... too much fat around those veins to be able to stab them with a needle properly. Thus begins the most miserable 20 minutes of my life. I try to hold him down while they literally dig around in his arm as he wails and writhes like a wounded animal. Meanwhile, Little Mommy is trying to get a peek at the action while comforting Little Boy Blue in the stroller who is also writhing and begging to be removed.

They tried Prince Caspian's other arm and blew a vein without getting enough blood for the test. The nurse looks at me and says 'Are you sure you want this test done?.' OK... Hepatitis C often requires a liver transplant in a young child. YES, I want the test done. However, I'd rather come back another day after my child has a chance to re-bond with me and be reminded that I am nurturing rather than torturous.

I believe my rescuer, my husband, will take the boys back tomorrow afternoon to have their TB tests read and attempt to locate a steady vein. Yes, I'm a chicken!

And for those of you who often ask, 'How do you do it?' ... You can see, often, I don't. But I sure keep on pluggin' ... Lori, my question to you is 'How did you do it with twins?' People do it all of the time, with multiples. But how?

I felt like a wrung-out, wet washcloth. Come to think of it, I still feel that way :) ... just kidding. I'm recovered from yesterday's trauma and just pray that my Strapping Scotsman has a better go at it tomorrow!!

A Big Year for Little Boy Blue...

2008-01-07T16:55:00.001-06:00

When I think about this year, I've realized that the person who has the most at stake this year in our current 'family' is Little Boy Blue. Prince Caspian is settled. Yes, his adoption will officially take place in March - a huge celebration.

But itty-bitty is the one who has the decision of a lifetime being made for him this year. We received news today that the termination trial starts on January 31st. Little Boy Blue has one more visit with his Grandfather and Great-Grandmother this Friday. They will be bringing a list of relatives who want a home study done to be considered as his permanent family. We are absolutely the back-up plan ... which is a better place to be than no consideration at all, right?

We really are trusting that the very best will happen for Little Boy Blue's life. The thought of letting him go pierces me; and yet we've known all along that either his Mommy or a family member were the first and second choice.

Thank you, thank you, dear friends for praying and loving this baby boy. I know how many hearts will break with ours if we have to say good-bye. Yet, because of the many people we know are praying, we will rest in the answer.

You, each of you, are a blessing to this family. It is so wonderful to walk beside all of you in this life.

Dreaming of a Garden

2008-01-05T16:17:00.001-06:00

Today has just been breath-taking... this beautiful, warm day was unexpected. And I've enjoyed every minute of it!!

Before the sun ever even came up, I was poring through my favorite seed catalog, Seeds of Change, and circling the 'must-haves' for our garden this year. I drained my coffee cup completely and was wistfully hoping for a few more minutes of browsing when everyone popped into the kitchen. Good morning world!

Alex surprised me by taking Prince Caspian and doing all of our grocery shopping for the week. Since our school kicks off on Monday, he knew that I would have a lot to cram in along with the shopping. I'm a really happy Mommy at this moment. His selflessness allowed me to plant 200 bulbs with Little Mommy and almost finish organizing my 'teacher stuff.' Thank you, Alex!!!

So, back to the garden... we have a HUGE area tilled up that Alex is going to fence in this year. I'm dreaming of climbing beans, radishes, tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, jalapeno peppers... and so on.

And then we have the peach orchard that gets better each and every year. When we first bought this place, the peach trees were very thirsty! It has taken several years to get them on track and this is THE year... I just feel it!

Last year, Alex found free grape vines which produced a bit last year and promise to deliver even more grapey goodness this year. The strawberry patch should be ready to knock my socks off this Spring!!

I'm also dreaming of what to do with all of the harvest!! I always do this ... I realize I shouldn't be counting my harvest before it is planted... yet, I must have a goal in mind. So, come Fragaria, Lycopersicon and Cucumis! And, welcome Spring... we are patiently waiting!

Happy New Year, Baby Girl!

2008-01-01T15:07:00.001-06:00

Dear Baby Girl,

It is that day where the new year peeks like magic over the horizon! The hope, the plans, the dreams. I remember one year ago so vividly. It was the time before you ... In those days, not so long ago, we hoped, we planned and we dreamed. Funny, we were so naive about our plans to adopt.

Last January, we prayed diligently about the child who would join our family. In February, you came. Our hearts were forever changed. You awakened within us a love for children without. You stirred a fire within us for children abandoned. You introduced us to the simplicity of love for children needy. Thank you.

How are you, mi hija? I have no doubt that you are being loved and protected by your two big brothers. You are very lucky - every girl needs a big brother to look out for her! Are you walking around on those tiny feet? Is your hair long enough to put in a bow? Did you love Christmas? Did Santa bring you a special treat?

Much has happened since you left... not just one more child, but two have come our way. Budding Author & Little Mommy are as wonderful to these two boys as they were to you. It has been one of the very best years of our lives.

For you, on this New Year's Day, I pray:

That you will come to know the depth of God's great love for you;
That you will grow to be a healthy, happy young lady;
That you will cherish what you have of your family;
That our paths might just cross again one day, here or in eternity.

Baby Girl, your little life accomplished much for God in this family. You changed us. You changed me. There is a place in my heart that will forever have your name written all over it. My time with you was a very special gift from God.

May God hold you, dear one, in the palm of His loving hand.
Your Foster Mommy

Love Without Fear

2007-12-30T09:17:00.002-06:00

For several months now, this 'love' thing has weighed on me. What exactly is God asking us to do when we love another? Are we to love only when we receive love in return? Are we to wait until someone loves us first before we love another? Are we to 'guard our hearts' and only love in pieces? Or are we to love with our complete being expecting absolutely nothing?

Often people comment to Alex or me, "Oh, I could never be a foster parent because of the hurt of letting go." The letting go hurts, a bunch. However, when we make statements such as the one above, are we really allowing love to work in us? Or are we acting, at least partially, with our own interests (to be loved in return) in mind?

When we began this interesting journey, we expressed that same statement above to one another. The hurt of letting go was precisely the reason we wanted to be an 'adoption only' family. Then Covenant Kids got hold of us... and they asked all of the families in training to pray about being foster-to-adopt families instead of straight adoption.

This is such a difficult thing. I do not claim to understand the depth of God's love for humanity; nor do I claim to understand the love we are to show to a hurting world. I do know this - such a love, one that exists beyond all self-motivation, is supernatural. It is of God. It is impossible for believers to 'create' on their own.

1 John 4:18 says "There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is one not yet fully formed in love." (The Message)

Do we experience and exhibit 'well-formed' love? Other Bible translations express this same concept as 'perfected love.' Do we allow the Holy Spirit to lovingly work through us, trusting that God will assuage the grief of letting go? Do we really even trust God with our hearts?

2007 has been a year of serious contemplation, meditation and transition for me. It has been a year in which I finally gave up (at least partially) my agendas, my expectations, my perfect plan. Surrender is a much better place... it requires so much less of my energy. Plus, it allows me to truly experience and share love without fear. What a concept.

Merry, Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T10:00:00.001-06:00

May your day be merry, bright and filled with the love of our Christ, born in a manger bare to bring love and grace to a world in great need!

**I did have a family picture posted; however, Little Mommy wasn't fully 'there' when it actually posted (the picture looked fine in my preview :)) Anyway, maybe another time. Blessings to you!

And the Stockings Were Hung...

2007-12-24T10:46:00.001-06:00

When I think of special Christmas memories as a child, my Mom is at the very center of every one. She diligently made our celebrations special with scavenger hunts, ornaments, baking and Christmas carols.

There is one special tradition that has continued as we have added children to our mix... the handmade Christmas stockings which hang on my Mom & Dad's mantle each year. The stockings have always been symbols of 'welcome to the family.' It all began when I was a babe... this is the beautiful stocking my Mom made for me.

When Alex joined our family, my Mom made this one... complete with a fishing pole because fishing is something Alex enjoys. The stocking was a sign that he was really 'in' the family.

Next, Budding Author and Little Mommy received special stockings (pictures deleted :)) ...

And this year, two new stockings. One for Prince Caspian and one for Little Boy Blue. These two stockings mean a great deal. Our choice to adopt and foster is one we prayed would be embraced by our families. The emotional upheaval of our choice does directly impact others... especially my Mom. We are grateful that both of our families have chosen to love these two and to welcome them officially into our midst. And these stockings are a symbol of just that!

Oh, in case you wonder about Little Boy Blue's stocking without a name, we decided to leave the name off until next year. If he goes to live with a family member, we can put his name on there and send it on with him as a reminder of his Grandmother. If he stays with us, we will add his new name, too. Either way, he has a special stocking all his own.

You know what? My Mom doesn't have a handmade stocking of her own. I've often thought that maybe I could whip up one for her to make the stocking display complete. However, my 'whipping up' just might take the entire year. Sewing is something I dream of someday being able to do. Maybe one of these years ...

Until then, thanks Mom. You have a gift for making new family members feel like old-timers and welcomed immediately. And the stockings are just one way you do it!! Merry Christmas.

Termination is an Ugly Word...

2007-12-16T10:57:00.002-06:00

I've really come to hate that word... 'termination.' It sounds ugly to me. Termination of parental rights or 'TPR' is the term used to legally dissolve a parent's right to their child. Involuntary, of course. If it is a voluntary act, it is called 'relinquishment'... not quite so ugly, but permanent, nonetheless.

Little Boy Blue's Mom did not show at the status hearing. Her attorney attempted a 'continuance' to allow her to show and beg for leniency. The Judge said 'No.' So, TPR trial (in front of a jury!) is scheduled for the very end of January. And, since Mom is losing her parental rights, no more visits for Little Boy Blue with Grandfather or Great-Grandmother. Shock to my system.

Before the hearing, Friday morning, CPS called at 8:00 a.m. to see if they could pick Little Boy Blue up at 9:00 a.m. at the 'meeting spot' for a visit. They had forgotten to let me know that the Grandfather & Great-Grandmother wanted to see him. I do not like that type of last minute notice... however, I pulled him together and sent him off, little did I know that it might be his last visit. Usually, we send a letter about his week(s) and some pictures. I was lucky to just get him dressed and his diaper bag ready in 30 minutes.

He came back from the visit at 12:00 noon and he was starving. For some odd reason, no one fed him. So, he went from 7:00 a.m. to Noon without food. We put 2 bottles and baby food in the diaper bag. That makes me spitting mad!

Another weird thing... the CPS transporter said that Grandfather did not come, but that Grandmother was there with Great-Grandmother. CPS had just told me that morning that Grandmother was deceased. So, who is the mystery woman allowed to visit with Little Boy Blue?

The saddest part... CPS told us that Great-Grandmother said there are other family members who want him. She has not been known for complete truthfulness, so all of this is speculative. Home studies must be completed and criminal background checks done before he will ever be moved.

Yet, in the midst of the chaos that surrounds itty-bitty, yesterday morning it was decided that Little Boy Blue would be baby Jesus in our church's Christmas program. I will just take him up and sit him in the manger for all of the other beautiful children to peek upon. He will love that!! If only all watching could know how special is this opportunity for this particular baby boy!!

God, You are so good to us. I've been teary and emotional thinking about our year and the many things You have graciously taught us about real love. What blessing, what joy, what peace!

And with every end, there is a beginning...

Little Boy Blue Come Blow Your Horn...

2007-12-13T20:40:00.001-06:00

Here's the update on Little Boy Blue. His Mom has been out of state for almost 3 months. Throughout this period of time, the extended family said they did not know her whereabouts. At the last visit he had with his great-grandmother and grandfather, they admitted to having lied about it all. Plus, CPS received an anonymous call stating "Ms. Smith fled the state. Her parental rights should be terminated and Little Boy Blue given to the family he is with." Odd. (Alex jokingly asked me 'You didn't use our home phone to make that call, did you?'... ha.ha.ha.)

The hearing tomorrow is a status hearing. If Little Boy Blue's Mom comes, she is facing some serious business. Termination is moving forward. His attorney does not want her to have any more visits... she feels it will not be in Little Boy Blue's best interest to see his Mom if her parental rights are being terminated. We'll see what the Judge thinks.

Now for the possibly sad news... the attorney also mentioned that there is a cousin in Georgia who is a CPS caseworker there who could be considered for Little boy blue. There has been no mention of this to us by our CPS worker... and believe me, I've asked a million times about different family members.

So, today I've just reminded myself over and over of why we are doing this. I've prayed almost constantly for a quick resolution to this (thanks to Gracie's reminder weeks ago). And I've thanked God for the joy of loving this little boy. I guess it is that simple - just tell that to my heart!

Here's to sharing our life with you... thank you for your interest and your prayers on behalf of our family. We feel blessed and honored.

P.S. I'm still holding out hope that my strapping Scotsman, Alex, will chime in on this blog over the holidays. He says he has something in the works :) ... he just guards his words much more than I.

Introducing the Cast of Characters...

2007-12-13T20:16:00.001-06:00

Starring:

Budding Author (7)
Little Mommy (4)
Prince Caspian (17 months)
Little Boy Blue (8 months)

Prayers...

2007-12-13T07:47:00.000-06:00

There are many competing thoughts in my brain right now. My desire is to get them on paper quickly so that they do not fade with the days. However, I haven't had the time to enter all of the e-mail addresses to make this blog private. I have to enter each e-mail address to send an invite to each of you... the task seems daunting. Yet, I have so much to say... maybe tonight.

For now, Little Boy Blue needs your prayers. Tomorrow is a hearing which will be a turning point in his case. And, as I watch him playing by my feet, I'm grateful that he has no idea what is happening. He is free. Free to just be a little boy, growing, learning and hopefully, feeling loved.

When I do get this blog converted, the first thing I'm going to do is post a few pictures... just so those of you who haven't seen these lovely faces can see who I've been writing about. All of these nicknames have real names and faces behind them!! I promise you something... when you see the faces of Prince Caspian, Little Boy Blue and Baby Girl, you will not believe these are the faces of foster care. Isn't it funny what we convince ourselves to believe about foster children?

On that note... we went to a Christmas party sponsored by Covenant Kids this weekend (even with runny noses). Every single child there (well over 200) was a lovely, beautiful human being with God's fingerprints all over him/her. When I think about it now, I'm so moved. All of these families - welcoming children of different races and backgrounds. It just reminds me of what love is... it is not an easy task. But, oh the joy!

Sick, Sicker, Sickest

2007-12-07T07:24:00.000-06:00

What a week! Boys with colds, girls with flea bites, and a light-headed Daddy & Mommy after a total house extermination. Disgusting, huh? I agree. Little Mommy and I have been eaten up by those tiny creatures. Why don't they like the boys? And how exactly did they invade our home with all of our furry friends outdoors? Hmmmm.

The boys certainly had their share of misery this week, too ... runny noses and colds make for grumpy babies, toddlers and Mommies.

On Wednesday, we had 3 case worker visits scheduled. Of the 3, only one actually arrived. One forgot, one rescheduled and one was welcomed with Kleenex by our sickly family.

ECI came to evaluate Little Boy Blue again. It is a long story and one about which I will share additional details when I convert this blog thing to private mode. In fact, I will probably be doing that privacy thing this week.

So, if I haven't heard from you, feel free to let me know you want to tag along. If you don't actually know us, that doesn't automatically rule out an invite... just give me some info about why you are interested in our family, where you live, where you grew up, social security number :), that type of thing!! No, all kidding aside, just let me know who you are and I'll gladly send you an invite.

Blessings!
Laura

The Seemingly Unrelated

2007-12-04T19:07:00.000-06:00

What do these things have in common:

*A beloved snail collection featuring one Mommy snail and 15 million babies;
*A black velvet Christmas dress with black patent leather shoes;
*A homemade 'dance pad' made out of packing bubbles by big brother for an early Christmas present;
*A tea all prepared for Baby Jesus and Mommy; and
*A fort in the woods where hours are spent building and hanging with big brother.

You are right! These items all belong to my Little Mommy. She is a beautiful, inquisitive, eclectic mixture of girly-girl and tomboy. Maybe I'll post a few sweet photos of her when our blog goes private...

Coming Full Circle

2007-11-30T14:26:00.000-06:00

Little Boy Blue returned from his visit today with a new outfit and a new jacket... lucky boy! He is fast asleep after what was a very exciting time (according to the transport worker).

What to say and what not to say... Hmmmm. I have to evaluate almost everything I write here in light of privacy issues. Over these past few months, there are millions of things that I have been unable to communicate due to Little Boy Blue's ongoing case. Also, there are many things that we choose not to tell anyone, even if his legal case were not an issue. Much of this is his story, not mine. Same with Prince Caspian... the story of his biological family is his to tell, we cannot spin it to our liking and present him in a skewed light.

So, back to today... it is now known where Mom is and when she is returning. What is not known is if she will seek to have another chance with CPS. If she seeks and is granted such mercy, she will have a 6-month extension (from the February trial date) to 'work her plan' before the termination trial occurs. Little Boy Blue will then be approaching 18-months. As it is, even if the trial is in February, he will almost be celebrating his first birthday.

The competing sides of this continue to boggle me... the right of Little Boy Blue to have a permanent home (wherever that may be) as soon as possible vs. the right of a Mommy to her child. At one time very recently, I weighed in heavily in favor of Little Boy Blue being with his Mommy. Once she exited without even a word to CPS, I have shifted completely into Mama Bear mode. I still pray for her often - for her wounds to ultimately be healed and her dark perspective to be brought into the Light. However, my intentional focus now is on ensuring Little Boy Blue a safe, loving, stable environment, with or without our family.

So, here we are. We've come full circle, I think. And here we go around the Mulberry bush again... but this time, Little Boy Blue has several very vocal warriors on his side.

A Visit for Little Boy Blue

2007-11-29T14:24:00.000-06:00

Boy, I'm surprised that I can still be surprised! I fired up my computer early this morning and there was an e-mail from our CPS caseworker. She has decided to keep Little Boy Blue's case, not just supervise. I am happy.

She has also scheduled a visit tomorrow for Little Boy Blue with his great-grandmother and grandfather. Surprise. Welcome back, Friday!

Still no word from his Mom... still planning to terminate... still no knowledge of family members who want him... still, he's ours. Sigh.

Some Exciting News for our Blogging Friends

2007-11-24T12:56:00.000-06:00

Two special friends, blogging friends, have some exciting things going on in their adoption experiences... I have to share, in hopes that you, too, will be blessed by their willing hearts and excited for the little ones who may join their families.

*Little Hope Giver at Love Each Child.
*Precious Jewel at For such is the Kingdom.

God is living and active in the lives of these folks! How amazing it is that we get to share in all that He is accomplishing through the lives of others!

Uncountable Blessings...

2007-11-22T16:23:00.000-06:00

Today has been a day of precious peace for our family. Sensing my anxiety about having a large family gathering at our place with 2 new additions to our family this year, my hubby scheduled a great dinner out for all of us and my in-laws. What a special, unselfish thing for him to do! He loves to eat homemade Thanksgiving food just like everyone else. Yet he put that aside and thought only of me, as the chef and chief bottle washer, today.

So, we scrubbed behind our ears, dressed all the wee bairns in their Sunday best and headed North to a restaurant on the lake. It was delightful. We smiled with pride as person after person commented on our growing family of 6 ... I basked in every word.

There were certainly a few folks missing at our table today ... my side of the family opted for a home-cooked feast. I'm sure everyone there appreciated the quiet that would have been absent had our brood attended.

Now... I'm all rested up and ready to be the chef for two Christmas celebrations at our home. In fact, I was noodling through our menu choices as we returned home.

Thank you, my Scotsman, for knowing me and my limits this year. You make me very, very thankful!

On a Lighter Note...

2007-11-20T13:22:00.000-06:00

... it is beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here! We are putting our decorations up today because the kiddos just could not wait a day longer. It is a much lighter time around here for me, too.

I pulled out my old piano books (with notes from my teacher from December of 1978!) and played every Christmas tune I know. This is good for the soul... Steve, I'm sure you know this already!

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement on that less-than-pleasant blog post from yesterday. Friends are friends even if you've never seen their face! Pretty cool.

__________

On a blog note... for some reason an old post was posted with today's date on it in my Bloglines feed. What is up with that?

Truth, and Nothing But...

2007-11-19T13:50:00.000-06:00

In case I may have left you with an impression that our days are just 'sweetness and light', here it is the real deal .... my emotions about foster care have been all over the place for about 7 days. No, it is not hormonal, gratefully. It is the in-your-face, blinding-light realization that this child, Little Boy Blue, is not mine. OK, I know, this is not a surprise and shouldn't be the impetus for an emotional ride.

Yet, here I sit after riding the wave of the unexpected. Coming from me, the 'I hate emotional women' woman, this is all very perplexing.

In so many ways, it was easier for me when Little Boy Blue had weekly visitation with his Mommy. At least at that time, as each Friday came and went, I had the reminder that he was very likely a temporary member of our family. Now, with the weeks coming and going, and no word about his permanent status, I deceive myself into believing that he is forever mine.

The 'what ifs' of his case have me reeling ... the possible long-lost relative in New York that wants a child, or the biological Daddy who may have been in the dark the entire time and really loves Little Boy Blue. I've imagined each and every one of these people when the reality is probably very different.

And an additional unexpected oddity; I'm missing Baby Girl so much it hurts! She has been gone for 6 months!! What is up?? Has my brain's rational function been covering up the truth that sits in my heart? Or have I just been running on adrenaline since Prince Caspian joined us and not allowed my heart to even feel anything remotely emotional??

Whatever the cause, the truth of it is... my heart hurts. My heart hurts for a beautiful baby girl that I loved, still love, will always love. My heart hurts for a baby boy's life who was cut short last week that I loved for a few days and moments. My heart hurts for my family who loves deeply a different baby boy, Little Boy Blue, who marine-crawls, babbles and loves in his own baby way. My heart hurts for those other babies out there who need love, just plain ol' love.

For the raw emotional expression, I apologize. Hopefully, you see transparency ... it is rough terrain some moments, this fostering thing. I am ragged this week; but still thankful...

Thankful that God saw fit to give us hope in the form of Prince Caspian, who is almost ours, in the midst of the fostering chaos; Thankful for a husband who is IT ... the cat's meow; Thankful for Budding Author, my adventurer; Thankful for Little Mommy, my tender-hearted beauty; Thankful for Prince Caspian, my bright curious munchkin... and Thankful for Little Boy Blue, who is my sweet angel baby for the moment.

As I write this I am reminded... none of these gifts are really mine for keeps. They all belong to the Giver of all good gifts. So, ultimately, I am grateful to Him... who saw fit to bless me with these good things. May the glory and honor be Yours, Lord, this Thanksgiving week.

Changing Faces

2007-11-15T07:05:00.000-06:00

We are getting new caseworkers all the way around. It appears very typical for caseworkers, even within private agencies, to be moved around, promoted and even exit on a frequent basis. This is difficult for families operating within the system.

New individuals do not know the intricacies of each case and it takes a certain period of ramp-up, which causes delays of all sorts. Our CPS caseworker for Little Boy Blue is being promoted... and boy, does she deserve it. She is a go-getter and will, thank God, still supervise his case throughout the legal process. Our Covenant Kids caseworker is getting shifted so that she does not have to drive as much. This makes us very sad. We love her and have grown comfortable with her monthly visits and her friendship.

There are certainly things which make this fostering business very difficult; a change in personnel is one of those things. Another of those challenges presented itself this week with sad news ... a baby who was in our care for respite over the summer passed away. I cannot comment any further, but we are grieving for everyone involved. We rejoice that precious little one is in the presence of God and we will gratefully get to attend his memorial service.

Without a doubt, fostering has been the singular most difficult experience of our lives. For our own ease and comfort, I'd really like to say 'no way, no more' after Little Boy Blue's case is finished. However, when I look back, I also see this time as huge in terms of the growth of our faith. There is nothing we could have done or asked for on our own which would have caused us to rely so heavily on the direction of God. We are being refined, whether we like it or not.

Happy Decade Birthday, Boy Wonder

2007-11-11T15:10:00.000-06:00

I have this precious nephew. Actually, he is my only biological nephew. Much to my surprise, he turned 10 years old this past week. How did that happen??

There are so many things to write about this special young man... so many. Maybe I'll share just a few, to honor him and to honor the Mommy and Daddy that God entrusted with his care.

*Boy Wonder was born many weeks premature, after a several week stay in the hospital by his Mommy. Since he was the very first grandchild on both sides of the family, this was a challenging, difficult time for everyone. He was born in the middle of the night by emergency c-section after a very long attempt at induced labor. I will never forget my Sister's face as she came out of surgery... I will never forget my brother-in-law's face as he came out of the operating room to brag about his big boy.

*Boy Wonder spent his first month in the NICU in Norman, Oklahoma, being doted upon by sweet nurses and his very special Mommy & Daddy.

*Boy Wonder went back into the hospital right around his first Christmas to have surgery for pyloric stenosis. This was before my Sister became a Physician Assistant... don't know whether it would have been harder or easier for her to have the knowledge she now possesses.

*Boy Wonder was diagnosed with diabetes insipidus early, early on in his journey. He takes a nasal hormone daily to regulate his pituitary gland.

*Boy Wonder was diagnosed with autism around his 3rd birthday. This diagnosis has never defined him or the expectations that his parents have for his life.

*Boy Wonder has had two parents who fight for him to have every chance, while simultaneously challenging him beyond the next milestone.

*Boy Wonder adores his grandparents... I mean adores. He skips through their house and down their sidewalk with a huge, tooth-filled grin. He feels the unconditional love that they have for him - he knows.

*Boy Wonder has progressed as an academic champion year-after-year with the help and prodding of his parents. He is in a traditional 4th grade classroom where he happily runs the show :)

*Boy Wonder is very musically inclined. His favorite music group is the Pride of Oklahoma Marching Band for the University of Oklahoma. He regularly attends their practices and conducts on the sidelines.

*Boy Wonder sings like an angel. Perhaps, that is because he is so close to God.

*Boy Wonder loves his cousins... they romp and play at 'the farm' as he calls our house. He loves the chickens and goats. Even our English Mastiff and he share a very special relationship.

*Boy Wonder makes me laugh, cry and think deeper thoughts about our world and what we classify as 'normal'.

*Boy Wonder gives our family the courage to foster and adopt a child that may have similar challenges.

God Bless You, Boy Wonder! You are God's precious gift to our entire family! Happy, happy 10th Birthday.

Compassion or Not?

2007-11-05T11:23:00.000-06:00

What is Compassion?

My definition of compassion has been challenged; mixed up, mashed, and kneaded until it no longer resembles that which once was. You see, I thought compassion was more about me than anything else... about me feeling sorry for another, as if my 'feeling sorry' actually accomplished anything. My attempts at compassion were easy for me, my attempts at compassion never required me to get my hands dirty.

The most beautiful, compelling definition of compassion was introduced to me on another blog called Seeking the Forgotten. The author lives in Guatemala. She is in the trenches; loving and making a difference in the lives of hurting, lonely children. She has pushed me to think deeper about compassion on several occasions through the pictures and writing on her blog. I only know who she is through her blog, we've never met. Isn't it interesting the way God uses a complete stranger and the internet to challenge very deeply-held beliefs about His work?

The definition she shared was attributed to Henri Nouwen and others when I searched on the web. Here is the definition:

"Compassion ~ is not a bending toward the underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not a reaching out from on high to those who are less fortunate below; it is not a gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the upward pull - .....On the contrary, compassion means going to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there. God's compassion is total, absolute, unconditional, without reservation. It is the compassion of one who keeps going to the most forgotten corners of the world, and who cannot rest as long as he knows that there are still human beings with tears in their eyes."

My self-righteous thoughts about compassion are nipped right in the bud when I read this. What about you? Is compassion something reserved for those few who are 'called' to missions work overseas? Or is compassion something we are all called to as followers of Jesus? Aren't there plenty of opportunities for real, authentic compassion right in front of our eyes?

Is compassion something to only think about a few times per year as we write a check for missions or scan the Angel Tree? Or is compassion a lifestyle, a way of existing?

I'm challenged here... am I really willing to relinquish my 'privileged' position here in my comfy world and extend a hand horizontally to another who might not look, smell or understand anything common to me?

God's Tapestry

2007-11-03T20:41:00.000-06:00

Wow... do we feel loved and pampered! Today, hubby and I attended a foster/adoption training program sponsored by Tapestry ministry of Irving Bible Church. Actually, the conference was underwritten by 15+ churches of varying denominations. It is great to hear of the body of Christ coming together to create such an event. The Tapestry foster and adoption ministry has encouraged many other churches to form similar ministries to mobilize the body of Christ into meeting the needs of orphans here and around the globe. Very cool!

The day included the following: Breakfast, lunch, childcare and 6 training hours for foster parents... and it was all free! Yes, we feel loved.

When we first received word about the conference, I thought there had to be a catch. Given the challenge for foster parents to find babysitters, I was just sure that the free childcare was a misprint. Nope.

So, early this morning, we happily deposited Little Boy Blue and Prince Caspian with very qualified persons and enjoyed training sessions on some very weighty topics. Our day included conversations and education on these topics: Race & Culture, Open Adoption and Biological/Adoptive Sibling Relationships. There was also a very talented keynote speaker who has a heart for children coming from 'hard places.'

My brain is brewing about how to write on the topics we covered. We were convicted in many areas where we really thought we had our motives nailed down. It is beautiful the way God gently reminds us of what He is really accomplishing.

We came away from this event refreshed and energized after meeting families in very similar situations as ours... what a beautiful thing to see a true 'tapestry' of children from every tribe and nation and the families who love them.

People try to say that we are doing a good thing by fostering ... No, God is doing a good thing. He is doing what He does - loving little ones. We are merely the cracked vessels that He works through. It is all about His love... for the least of these.

Upside-Down Day

2007-11-01T11:24:00.000-06:00

Little Boy Blue's caseworker visited our home yesterday. We were absolutely surprised to hear that CPS is changing his status from 'return to parent' to 'termination.' The termination trial will be set for early 2008. The caseworker asked us if we wanted to adopt Little Boy Blue. Can you believe she had to ask? Absolutely!

We are adequately perplexed and very sad for Little Boy Blue. His Mommy hasn't seen him for 6 weeks and CPS doesn't know her whereabouts. It is odd that she was doing well for 5-6 weeks and then just abandoned her hard work. Unfortunately, prior to the 5-6 weeks of success, she had a difficult time of it. Little Boy Blue's attorney does not play games and does not have much patience for Mommy.

Hubby and I shed a few tears last night for his Mommy. How can we rejoice in the middle of what will be someone else's heartache? What is ultimately best for Little Boy Blue?

The termination process is not a short one... and another family member could come out of the woodworks when the process is started and have priority over our family. So, we just continue to wait and watch this beautiful little butterfly stretching his little wings for the first time.

Meandering Toward Something...

2007-10-31T10:12:00.000-06:00

Is a decision to home school our children an effort to 'run from' formalized education and bury our heads in the sand? I am and have almost always been an idealist... I vehemently deny 'running from' something and instead say we are 'meandering toward' something else; toward a priceless opportunity for our family.

To our lifelong friends in various public education roles... please do not take our decision as a vote of no confidence. You are each making such a difference - we are fully aware of this. We love you and respect your professionalism, your faith and your commitment to the children of tomorrow. Our decision probably just confirms what you already know about us - 'those folks sure are nice, but they do make some unique decisions.'

If you have any interest in sharing our perspectives on home education, join us at The World is Our Classroom. I do not plan to write much more about education here. This blog is for our foster/adoption journey and a few other random topics. So, stay tuned here even if there is no inkling of a desire to know more about our education option.

At a Loss for Words...

2007-10-30T14:05:00.000-06:00

I came across this story today from the Houston Chronicle... Four children ingest cocaine, police say. Surely, you are sickened by this, as am I. The large questions loom for me... why? will there ever be a home that will take 8 children together? why do some children get out? And the overarching thought... this could have been Baby Girl, Prince Caspian or Little Boy Blue, children we love.

Never would I want to guilt anyone into looking at foster care or adoption... However, this article shows reality magnified so that we can all see it for what it is... There is a huge need for foster families and adoptive families in our very own backyard.

This case got media attention, most do not.

Bits & Pieces

2007-10-29T14:54:00.000-06:00

Well, it has been a while since I've chimed in on this blog. Thursday morning I woke up with a swollen eye and itching skin around my face. I was just sure that I'd had an allergic reaction to this lovely 'wrinkle cream' my Mom had given me for Christmas last year. :) As the day wore on, the Benadryl helped a bit.

Friday morning I awoke to one very swollen eye and one marginally swollen eye. Additionally, the itching places had turned into red patches of teeny, tiny bumps. Nice. Honestly, I looked very deformed. My temporary deformation caused me to pause and consider people who exist in this state at all times without any hope of physical transformation.

So, I made an appointment with our Doctor friend. It was poison ivy... on my face! It is truly amazing what a steroid shot and dose pack can accomplish in a very short time. I'm grateful for the blessing of modern medicine. My stubborn self usually just stays home and lets poison ivy run the course. This time, since an important sense was involved, I decided to humble myself.

During these interesting days, we also made a very important family decision regarding the education of our children. This may come as a complete shock to some and to others, not so much of a surprise... beginning in January of 2008, Winding Road Academy will be open for full-time education. In other words, our home school will open doors and assume the complete responsibility of educating our children. I have so much more to share on this topic. My attempts will have to wait for another day... the weather is just too beautiful to sit here at my computer.

Peace.

Family Portrait

2007-10-23T19:15:00.000-06:00

.... courtesy of Little Mommy.

A Day Without Worry...

2007-10-21T12:01:00.000-06:00

I'd like to 'think' I've always been a 'thinker.' However, the reality is that I spent a large part of my life as a 'worrier.' What is the real difference?

When I was in college, I wore my worry like a badge. The girls at my college from my hometown would race to see who could call their Mom first with tales of a 'stressed out' day. The stress we experienced had nothing to do with the great questions of our world. Stress related only to superficial things: relationships, peers, clothing, gossip and so on.

I've heard the phrase, "Worry borrows." Wrong. Worry steals. There is no borrowing to it. Worry does not have any intention of giving back the hours it takes. Worry steals. Permanently.

Worry takes an ordinary beautiful day and turns it into a gut-wrenching, headache-driven, tedious series of minutes. Worry takes a delightful relationship and twists it into a paranoid, soul-numbing, dreaded conversation. Worry removes our freedom to think and move in a way that pleases God.

Flip the coin... To think is to ponder, mull over, and chew on something until you have a conclusion that satisfies. Perhaps the conclusion is not permanent or complete. A conclusion can simply be a recognition of mystery. I spend many hours of day and night thinking. Even when I'm doing the most mundane of Mommy tasks, I'm conducting a running conversation with myself regarding some topic of interest.

Where worry steals, thought graciously gives. Thought expands, thought provokes, thought pushes. Thought joins us all in the great conversation. It is not as if we are thinking about things that have never been thought before... there are heaps and piles of commentary on the subjects we seek.

I have certainly been criticized for 'thinking too much.' Valid criticism when my thinking crosses that imaginary line into worry. Every now and again, it does. God specifically asks us not to worry or be anxious but to instead go to Him with a thankful heart and present our concerns to Him. God does not ask us not to think... in fact, we are to love Him with our mind.

I believe that God enjoys my questions and my thinking... and it is He who gently reminds me that my worry alone cannot accomplish, it cannot solve. Oh, the day is bright and beautiful... may I allow it to be what it is rather than clouding it with worry.

Missing Mommy

2007-10-19T06:23:00.000-06:00

While we are busy, busy around here with activities and adding Prince Caspian to our fold, somewhere back in the fog is a real sadness on our part for Little Boy Blue. His Mommy has basically disappeared; not a kidnapping kind of disappearance, a disappearance by choice and circumstance. There are a few known tidbits, but, for the most part, it is all hazy. This will be his 3rd Friday to stay with me instead of going to visitation. Out of the last 5 visits, he has only had 1.

I have a lingering hurt for Little Boy Blue about the lengthening of this process. It could be years before this is resolved, one way or another. A set-back of this sort somewhat restarts the 'plan.' We have not asked many questions yet; so much is unknown.

I have a lingering hurt for Little Boy Blue's Mommy. How will this play out for her? Do the skeptics who believe that a person can't change just point fingers of 'I told you so' at her today? Does she feel such a sense of shame that she cannot manage to show her face?

The saddest part is... she will miss seeing her baby sitting up on his own today, feeling him reach his little hand out to touch her face, and tickling his precious toes to make him giggle endlessly. And what things to miss!

A Zest For The New Task

2007-10-17T12:54:00.000-06:00

Giving up something you love to do is difficult. Many Mommies temporarily give up things they love to do... gardening, sewing, baking, painting, etc in exchange for more time with their wee ones.

For me, when we made the decision to follow God and expand our family, I had the difficult task of, at least for the foreseeable future, giving up most of the work I had come to love. I've also found myself sacrificing my time in the garden... I did sow seeds with Baby Girl in a Baby pouch; however, the watering of those seeds was remembered in late July when all shoots were crispy.

I believe that God fills the void left from sacrificing one thing by birthing a love for something else within you; something that 'fits' within the time available. It may be reading alone for 10 minutes, it may be listening to good music, singing around the house, exercising, anything ... God fills in the gap with a tasty 'something else' to bring some sweetness to an ordinary, busy day.

Writing, I've found, is something that I love to do. The beautiful thing is that I would have never discovered an enjoyment for writing had I not let go of the work and, to some extent, my garden. To take it a step further, had we not heeded God's call to adopt, I would have still loved my work and my attempts to be a green thumb; however, I would have missed out on the sweetness of the 'something else.'

Journaling has always been a part of me. My journals are 'stream of consciousness' and not written for any one's eyes but my husband's, my God's and mine. My husband and a close friend have strict instructions to burn the mounting stack of spiral notebooks upon my death. With this blog, and another project an old friend has me working on, I can attempt something I've come to love at any hour of the day... for 5 minutes or 50, depending upon my schedule.

To write something that someone else would want to read is humbling. To share my life in the midst of strong emotions is freeing. To be once again given a task I love is amazing.

Oh, The Things That Distracted Me...

2007-10-14T09:05:00.000-06:00

"Eyes blinded by the fog of Things cannot see Truth.
Ears deafened by the din of Things cannot hear Truth.
Brains bewildered by the whirl of Things cannot think Truth.
Hearts deadened by the weight of Things cannot feel Truth.
Throats choked by the dust of Things cannot speak Truth."

-Harold Bell Wright, The Uncrowned King, 1910

This passage sits, written in my hand, in the front of my Bible. It serves as a reminder to me of my lifelong battle with Things. Material Things.

My parents were self-made... people who worked hard together in a traditional marriage to build something from nothing. They were a team, both with equally important roles. It delighted them both to see my sister and me lavished with the extras that they never had growing up. They wanted our lives to be easier than theirs had been.

Their goal was altruistic and also very common for the parents of my peers growing up in suburbia. It was my handling of the situation that caused my problems. Nothing was ever enough for me. I became a 'consumer' of 'Things' in the truest sense of the word. The most fashionable clothing, the expensive car, the latest designer handbag, the expected college and post-graduate education... would anything finally satisfy me? My parents must have been shocked, I am confident that this was not what they intended to create.

In my twenties, my life hit an all-time low. The 'Things' had failed to satisfy and I was a depressed, sad person. I'm only grateful that the epiphany came then, instead of decades later. Through a series of circumstances, I learned how to get by with very little. I still had my parents to fall back on; however, I learned how to shop wisely and, most importantly, to desire less.

Then I met my husband. He was not raised with excess, in fact, the exact opposite. His college was not a 'right' but a privilege garnered from hard work on the athletic field. He was so grateful for his degree from an excellent school. He was and is acutely aware that he would not have had such an opportunity, but for a God-given physical gift. And, once that gift served the intended purpose, my husband closed the door on it and left it behind without any regrets. He is not a man who spends entire weekends watching sports; nor does he live out his unfulfilled dreams through his son's athletic pursuits. In fact, he rarely even watches his alma mater play and would be tickled if our sons become musicians.

So, he rubbed off on me in the area of Things. He was also a person of deep faith back then. Not a perfect man; but a man whose faith in God never wavered. He rubbed off on me in that area, too. He encouraged me to ask question upon question until my perceived intellectual barriers to faith were finally answered.

We have walked together as God has peeled the desire for material things away from me. We learned to live without my salary, we chose a simpler existence in the country, we try very hard not to be impulsive with large purchases. We fail in this area regularly, but materialism does not have a hold on me any longer. There is not a thing that anyone around me owns that I seek, not a thing.

By any standard, we have a great home and nice land. Take the house and leave the land, I'd be just fine. We could live in a trailer on this land and be very, very happy. For that matter, we could live in a trailer anywhere and be happy. We've often talked about picking up and taking a year with our kiddos to see the country in an RV. It sounds like the trip of a lifetime to me. It is doubtful that CPS would approve such an adventure, so that dream will have to wait.

In conclusion, for me, materialism had a grip so tight that I couldn't see, hear, think, feel or speak Truth. Somewhere deep within me was a thirst for that elusive quenched-soul. Finally, I am able to drink from the fountain of Truth, and I am satisfied.

'Counting' Our Blessings

2007-10-11T20:10:00.000-06:00

1 Doctor's Office
2 Adults
3 Attempts to look in Prince Caspian's ears for infection
4 Adult Arms - attempting to corral the little ones
5 Shots for Little Boy Blue
6 Spit-ups for Little Boy Blue between the waiting & exam rooms
7 Forms to fill out for Prince Caspian
8 Child-sized arms & legs in constant motion

Yesterday we had Little Boy Blue's 6-month check-up and Prince Caspian's 15-month check-up. It was our opportunity to introduce Prince Caspian to our very favorite Doctor friend. This Doctor has really been extraordinary in our fostering experience.

Children in foster care are covered by Medicaid. Children in foster care are required to see a Doctor. Not every Doctor takes Medicaid. Additional complication, we live in a rural area, approximately 30 minutes from a city where there might be a Doctor who might take Medicaid. Our Doctor, here in town, does not take Medicaid. However, he makes an exception for our foster kids. He says it is his contribution to our efforts and the efforts of another local family who takes in teenage girls. If you lived nearby, I'd have to find a way to refer you to him!

So, back to the visit. The appointments were at 2:00 & 2:30, back-to-back. We had to be there at 1:30 to fill out the abyss of paperwork on Prince Caspian (since Little Boy Blue has already been seen at this office.) I pick up Budding Author and Little Mommy, rush back to town and begin to unload everything and everyone. Just then, my sweet husband walks up out of nowhere and says in his deep, manly voice, "I'll get that stroller." Whew! Huge relief. While I had convinced myself that I could swing it with all 4 kids and 2 getting shots, pangs of doubt still lingered as I fumbled with our double stroller.

Diagnosis - both boys are healthy, growing strong and developmentally on target... if you knew their backgrounds, you would shout 'Amen.' We are so happy for them both. Early Childhood Intervention will still be referred for Little Boy Blue because of his continued stiffness, a few minor things we have noticed, and because he needs to be "followed along" as he moves through different stages. However, on motor skill and language development he is doing outstanding. He engages well with people and this week he sat up by himself!

___________________

Little Boy Blue will not see his Mommy tomorrow. I have more than shared my feelings on this subject with you and, therefore, will leave the statement without additional comment.

Everyone Needs a Little Mommy

2007-10-08T20:39:00.000-06:00

It is Little Mommy's turn to be the center of the family blog spotlight. I think she secretly likes being the center of attention, even though she acts the 'shy girl' part.

Little Mommy was born in 2003 after 15 weeks of bed rest. I began significant contractions in Week 20 of the pregnancy. In many ways, I knew she was a girl; everything just felt different. And then, when things got a bit dangerous, I got very scared. I remember many sleepless nights crying out to God to please calm me down and be with my little one. So many special verses are etched in my mind from that time.

Somewhere around Week 35, my water sack sprung a leak again, just like my first pregnancy. I knew something was weird and was admitted to the hospital to give birth to her the very next day. I did not sleep a wink the night before... vividly replaying Budding Author's emergency arrival.

Little Mommy was a beauty. She had perfect little rosebud lips and a mass of dark hair. The day she was born, she moved into the NICU due to respiratory issues. She quickly recovered and was out a week or so after her birth.

She was welcomed home with open arms, even brother's. Everything was pink... we went girl crazy. We were so much more relaxed with her. Being a parent the second time tends to peel away those Type-A tendencies very quickly.

Little Mommy has always been my helper. She loves to cook with me in the kitchen. I have great confidence that she will be baking bread on her own by age 8. She does such a great job with homemade cinnamon rolls under my watchful eye, of course. Many nights before dinner she will come in and say "Mommy, what can I do to help you?" Often, I just stand with my mouth ajar.

Little Mommy has an intuitive knack for babies. She talks wonderfully to them and wants to cuddle and snuggle for long intervals. She has at least 30 'babies' of her own. (stuffed animals; hand-me-downs of mine and my sister's) If I had a dime for every nap I've interrupted of her 'babies', I'd be a wealthy woman. She will often be heard shushing me because I've roused her 'babies' from their slumber.

She is a blond-haired, blue-eyed 4-year old. With all of her maternal instincts, it may be a surprise that she is really a tom-boy at heart. She loves pink, but she loves being dirty in pink. She will ride her bike as daring and dangerously as Budding Author. Laughingly, she tells me that she is a 'country girl.' I love it!

This child never ceases to amaze me with her competitive spirit. She wants to read like her brother, so she pushes herself until she can brag that she's finished reading a book of her own. She is a creative, lefty with an artistic flair.

Outsiders would call Little Mommy very shy... she tends to stick to her own family and a few close friends. She wants to be anywhere that Budding Author is... this may be a large problem for him when he gets married. She's already asked us if her husband can come live here with all of us. What fun! (I say with sarcasm dripping from my mouth.)

This Summer, she gave herself her first haircut. We had just been to the beauty shop to just get the very tip ends of her long hair trimmed. She comes into the kitchen, not 5 minutes after we arrived home, and says "Mommy, don't you love my hair." It took every ounce of strength in me not to bust out laughing. She had cut at least 7 inches of hair off of both sides. Her hair was now a bi-level. Luckily, we have a friend who is great with hair. She cleaned it up beautifully and now, Little Mommy is a sassy lass.

Little Mommy keeps me on my toes. She is 4 going on 14. Her favorite things are Strawberry Shortcake, drawing, acting out the Sound of Music and climbing our mimosa tree. She loves to have one-on-one time with her Daddy and me. She craves it. If she doesn't have her special time, she is very upset. I guess that has singularly been the most difficult part of having additional children. She needs my undivided attention and I have royally messed it up on many occasions. We are learning together, she and I.

In the foster/adoptive sister role, Little Mommy is caring, attentive and emotional. She still tells me she misses Baby Girl. That's OK because I do, too. Little Mommy wants a baby sister so bad she can taste it. I pray that God gives her the desires of her heart. (Whew! Did I really just write that??)

Little Mommy, you are 'it', girl! I want to be like you when I grow up. Oh, I take that back... Daddy would have a hard time with those tantrums! You will always be our precious princess. I pray God's richest blessings on your life. And God, she was well worth the wait!

Here's to You, Budding Author

2007-10-08T19:42:00.000-06:00

The primary purpose of this blog is communication about foster care, adoption and the reality of each. It may appear to the occasional reader here that I do not spend much time talking about Budding Author and Little Mommy, our biological blessings.

So, humor me a bit, while I brag on these two... Budding Author's story comes today, with Little Mommy's soon to follow.

Budding Author was born in 2000. He was our 'surprise' baby. In 1999, we were told that we would probably not conceive on our own. I was very sad. Many of the readers of this blog have struggled with infertility. It appears to be more common today than ever before (another topic for another post) - or perhaps infertility is just more commonly shared with others today. In any event, we decided not to pursue any type of infertility treatment. It was not some deep reason that drove us away from it... just more of a practicality for us personally. Plus, adoption has always been an option for us, even that early in the baby game.

Surprisingly, we conceived Budding Author all on our own, the old-fashioned way. Our ob/gyn at the time did not believe that I was pregnant and had to do a sonogram right then and there. We decided to continue being old-fashioned and not find out the gender of the baby.

About 33 weeks into the pregnancy, my water sack began to spring a slow leak. Budding Author came by emergency c-section in the middle of the night a few days later on June 9, 2000. We were in the hospital already, due to the low level of amniotic fluid. The nurses could not find his heartbeat and the doctor begin cutting on me without anesthesia! Ultimately, I was completely put under for the delivery. I awoke to find my sweet hubby by my side telling me about our beautiful baby boy that was rushed to the NICU.

He was a feeder/grower in the NICU for 2 weeks which gave me a bunch of recovery time. We were so grateful for this little peanut. I can still picture my husband's face when he talked of how handsome our baby was and how proud he was of me.

The years have passed quickly. From potty-training to learning the alphabet, counting to ten, playing soccer, reading his first chapter book, writing a new 'Curious George' story and forming a budding relationship with God... he is a big boy now with purpose and sensitivity.

He loves Star Wars, Legos and a combination of the two. As we have studied Ancient History together, he has consistently asked me whether he will meet the heroes he learns about (Odysseus, Alexander the Great, etc.) in heaven. He wants to meet these men of our historical tales in the flesh. He has met them in his imagination, you see.

I look at his feet and laugh! They are huge! His Daddy comes from athletic Scottish stock, so Budding Author comes by it naturally. He loves a competitive game of any sport; however, he also has a huge love of music of any kind. Piano is his current instrument, because it is what we already own. He honestly made out a list of all of the instruments he wants to learn to play and in order... french horn, trumpet, saxophone, xylophone, guitar, etc.

All in all, he is an active 7-year old with a zest for life. He loves people, yet loves solitude. His favorite two things to do alone are designing wonderful Lego creations or walking in our woods with our English Mastiff by his side sporting his huge walking stick. He still loves to be read to at night... reading aloud is a family thing. There is nothing like piling in our king-sized bed and introducing him and his little sister to Stuart Little, Aslan and the Little House on the Prairie.

It is my special blessing to have Budding Author in my life. He loves with abandon and thinks deep thoughts about himself and the world. He challenges me to be a better Mommy.

And as for being a foster/adoptive brother, he takes his mission very seriously. In a 7-year old way, this is his calling. He loves on these little ones, brags on them to his friends and, when the days is through, he thanks God for making us a family. He humbles me with his understanding of Little Boy Blue's situation.

So, here's to you my Budding Author. Oh! and God, thanks for sharing him with me!

Can a Crumbling Life Be Rebuilt?

2007-10-07T08:25:00.001-06:00

I do not claim to be a poet; however, emotions without outlet have brought my pencil to paper on many occasions. It is as if my thoughts are easily, quickly synthesized in poetry. Never would I have imagined such a thing. Poetry has always been my very least favorite form of expression.

Casting Crowns has a new CD out. A song on the CD, Slow Fade, triggered this poem. One verse in particular pierced my soul... "It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away; It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray. Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid, When you give yourself away. People never crumble in a day." You can listen to the song here.

Funny, I bought and listened to this CD on Friday after finding out the news about Little Boy Blue's Mommy. A reminder, lest I forget, that she and I walk the same difficult, dirty road of life.

Can A Life Lost Be Found?

Losing yourself.
Piece-by-piece,
Until nothing remains,
of the girl you once were.
Nothing; not a look,
not a thought, not a dream.

Losing yourself.
Inch-by-inch,
As the innocence drains
and a vague desperation sets in.
Proding, pushing you to move,
somewhere, anywhere.

Losing yourself.
Day-by-day.
As the black cloud hangs persistently,
and his net traps you like a bird.
You wish to fly, yet feeling wanted,
for the first time, you stay.

Losing yourself.
Year-by-year.
You realize his true intent
as he poisons your mind.
You become unrecognizable,
a shadow; the way out, gone?

Remembering yourself.
Tear-by-tear.
Seeing the eyes of your beautiful son,
and a pinprick of light beckons.
You feel a tingle of hope,
an option, a way out?

Remembering yourself.
Little-by-little.
Knowing the choice is yours,
an unexpected hand reaches out.
Will you meet Him,
the only hope of true change, the Way?

I pray she will meet Him. If she does not, I'm a Mommy, standing firm and ready.

Bittersweet Friday

2007-10-05T12:46:00.000-06:00

Bittersweet - bit-r-swt, Pleasant and unpleasant, or bitter and sweet, at the same time; tinged with sadness.

If you have followed our journey for any length of time, you will remember that Fridays are the day that Little Boy Blue visits with his Mommy. Two weeks ago, Little Boy Blue made the trek to 'busitation' (as Little Mommy calls it). His Mommy was sick and did not make it. My heart felt that it was something more. I simply cannot explain why. Just suffice it to say that my Mommy antennae were up and sniffing around.

Last Friday, 'busitation' went on as normal with Little Boy Blue's caseworker bringing him home and sharing loads of information and encouragement with us. Not encouragement that Little Boy Blue was going to be ours, just encouragement in general about our fostering, etc. She told us that we would have Little Boy Blue until at least early 2008. We were sad that he would not spend Christmas with his Mommy, but were certainly excited to have him with us. So, I thought my Mommy hunch about the week before was just rubbish.

This morning, we got a call that Little Boy Blue's Mommy is in a heap of trouble. Oh, my faint heart. I cannot keep it from roaming through the fields of 'what if' or 'what is next.' My desire for Little Boy Blue to be permanently reunited with his Mommy directly conflicts with my desire for hubby and me to raise him. Bittersweet.

Will You Be My Friend?

2007-10-03T09:26:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I caught a glimpse of the littlest boys doing what little ones do...

Little Boy Blue was playing quietly in his exersaucer... Prince Caspian was digging through my plastic cups while I emptied the dishwasher. A few minutes later, I realize all is quiet. I peek around the corner of the kitchen and spy Prince Caspian giving Little Boy Blue a plastic blue cup. Little Boy Blue giggles with glee as he holds it up to his mouth trying to drink. Then Prince Caspian toddles off and gets his sippy cup... sweetly he holds it up to Little Boy Blue's mouth offering him a taste.

These two may not be brothers forever; but they are brothers and friends for now.

If I Could See Down the Corridors of Time...

2007-09-30T13:01:00.001-06:00

There are certainly days where I wish I knew what the future holds... is it 4 children or 70 as Budding Author desires? Is it forever foster care? How will things play out for Little Boy Blue? Is there a baby sister for Little Mommy?

My personality foolishly attempts to plan, predict, manipulate and change life. It is ironic then that our current situation leaves no place or need for my control. Funny, I cannot do a thing to change today no matter how much research I do or how organized I may be.

I laughingly wish to see the future; yet if I really knew what tomorrow held, would I even have the courage to take the next step?

This is my lesson... If God had pulled back the curtain and shown me what 2007 looked like, I would have said 'No thank you, this heart can't handle that. You'll have to pick someone else.' And I would have missed it all!

It all boils down to faith. Do I trust that the God of the universe cares for our family? Do I really believe that He knows Baby Girl and Little Boy Blue and will care for them without my help? Do I really believe He loves me and knows what my heart can handle? Do I really believe that He will work all things together for His good? I do.

Adoption Comes in Many Shapes & Sizes

2007-09-30T12:37:00.000-06:00

This weekend, Little Mommy and I had the pleasure of attending a baby shower in honor of the adoption of a beautiful baby boy. His Mommy and I used to be in a bible study group a few years back, before we moved to the boonies. This baby has been prayed for in so many different ways by so many people. It was a privilege and blessing for me to hold him and see how those prayers have been faithfully answered.

The story of his life is a huge reminder to me that adoption comes in many shapes and sizes. The Lord provides safe homes for babies and children in a wonderful myriad of ways. Some families are created through domestic adoption (closed or open), some through international adoption, some through grandparent or other kinship adoption and some through the state foster care system. Some children are placed in families with no children, others are intentionally placed with new siblings. Some children are placed with their biological siblings, others are not. The most important part is not the means, but the end - a loving home in which to thrive.

The Texas foster care system is how our family will be woven and spun. When I look at Prince Caspian, and see how he 'fits,' I know it could have been no other way. My grateful heart dances today!

Joined at the Heart, Prince Caspian and I

2007-09-26T06:41:00.000-06:00

We received a package this week with 3 special books in it for Prince Caspian! It was a wonderful surprise from a dear law school buddy of mine and his sweet, growing family. There was one book called 'My Mommy and I' which has captured Prince Caspian's and my attention.

Specifically, it is a colorful board book telling of great things that 'Mommy and I' do together. The very last page is what gets me every time. It says... "We're joined at the heart, my Mommy and I."

Isn't this a beautiful, simple way to describe adoption? We may not have the umbilical cord connection, or the nursing moments that bond a Mommy to her baby; however, there is no question that we are joined at the heart. He has fit into my heart just perfectly, like the missing piece to a puzzle.

**Not that every day has gone smoothly... yesterday was particularly challenging. At one point I found myself working with Budding Author on schoolwork, trying to help Little Mommy with her 'reading', feeding Little Boy Blue a bottle (which he spit up on everything) all while Prince Caspian whined inconsolably. (If Prince Caspian is tired, our world is painful! If he has gotten great sleep, our world is great fun!)

Me, I'm just the conductor for this out-of-tune orchestra. And there are times when I'd rather be playing on the xylophone rather than keeping everyone on track, believe me!

Back to Prince Caspian. It has been 3 weeks since he joined us and I feel like he has been a part of 'us' forever! Thank you, God, for helping us get past our fears to be able to just love this little guy.

"We are joined at the heart, Prince Caspian and I!"

We are Alike, She & I

2007-09-21T14:13:00.000-06:00

Although I've been quiet on this blog this week, my heart has been anything but quiet. It beats in my chest with excitement, thanksgiving, love and disbelief. The excitement, thanksgiving and love portion is easily understood. The disbelief portion probably requires some explanation...

I've written about Little Boy Blue's Mommy in the past... she and I are connected by this precious baby. Never did I desire to meet her in person, never did I fathom that I would look her in the eyes and see a woman more like me than I ever imagined.

In fact, I've said to God before (and a very special friend) that I could never actually do it, meet her I mean. And then, the letter came. CPS wanted us to meet with them and his Mommy to discuss permanency plans for Little Boy Blue. Unbelievable!

The meeting went very well and the goal is still reunification. Honestly, it was a surprise blessing. I cannot clearly explain in words what it did for me to see her in person. I do know this... she went from being this negative image in my mind to being a living, breathing person, in the flesh. I saw our similarities and also our uniqueness. She and I certainly have more in common than I ever imagined. By commonality, I do not mean likes and dislikes or physical similarity; I mean she and I are both fallen human beings who have made poor choices and are in need of a Savior. It really is that simple.

I have great hope for her and for Little Boy Blue. I can see a Mommy's love shining through, I see a heart and mind capable of so many things. And, I am praying that she feels only God's love through our family. May we cease to judge and begin to fervently pray. Please join us, if you so desire.

Do you believe people can change? I've heard on and off my entire life that people don't change. If that is true, why did God even bother sending Christ to this earth? Is His salvation and redemption only for the future? Are we stuck in our poor choices, doomed to repeat them over and over? May it never be so. We believe in a God who came so that we may have LIFE; so that we might be changed through the power of Christ and the Holy Spirit.

Before I get too theological and scare our Pastor to death, I'll end with this. We believe, without a doubt, that Little Boy Blue's Mommy can change and we believe in the One who can speak to her heart and extend His sufficient grace to her to make that change come about. May she see Him everywhere she turns and may she be so touched by His life-changing power that she never turns back.

This is a difficult place where we have arrived... we are in this fostering thing for the long haul. I'd never have expected it or desired it, but here we are. If I had my preference, I'd say 'forget it, I give up, this is way too difficult.' And then I look into Little Boy Blue's eyes, I see our children loving him with something very real, I see my husband lovingly exercising his little body to relieve the continued stiffness and I realize that he is ours, at least for a season.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same

2007-09-17T10:36:00.000-06:00

Normalcy (however that word might be defined) has returned to our home. Each person's spot is now settled!

I've compiled a list of things that have changed and things that have stayed the same since our family has grown...

Changed Things:

Diapers... exponential growth in quantity.
Food... Prince Caspian is an extraordinary consumer. I cannot even imagine what teenage years are going to look like! We made our first family shopping trip to Sam's last Friday evening. What an event.
Going out... leaving the house with all of us is an adventure. I plan ahead and yet I always forget something.
Volume... things are loud and busy when everyone is at home and awake.
Comments... People stare at us all and eyeball the youngest two and ask 'now how far apart are they?' or 'are you done?'

Remaining Things:

I still have 2 children and a husband who are potty-trained... yippeeee. Let's look at the bright side!
My sleep is complete. I haven't missed a wink since Prince Caspian joined us.
I still adore my husband. We are partners in this labor of love... it would be impossible to explain the level of commitment he has for our family. As many of our old friends are separating or divorcing, I am SO grateful for the steady foundation that he provides our family.
This journey is one I still feel called to patiently complete. We don't know how many children or what our family will ultimately look like; however, the ride is as interesting as the destination!

What a Difference a Week Makes...

2007-09-14T15:34:00.000-06:00

Precious Prince Caspian has officially turned a corner in his adjustment process. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were quite difficult over here at our place. Wednesday night our home group from church was here and things really got better from then on!

He is waking up happy, going down for bedtime with mostly a smile and eating, eating and eating. We are just tickled!

On another note, my Mom's surgery went well. She is feeling better today than she has in many months! That is an answered prayer! And get this, her surgeon actually prayed with her before the surgery. He said his profession is more than a career, it is a mission!! What a ray of hope...

I'm Still Reading...

2007-09-12T09:31:00.001-06:00

For some reason, I feel compelled to report back on my summer reading. Yes, I still read... even with all of the activity around here. In fact, reading is my one indulgence (well, maybe Dr. Pepper, too.). I simply cannot wait to get to the end of a day and have even 10 minutes to myself to tackle that pile 15 books on my nightstand. I'm sure you pity my husband. Luckily, he usually has a book going, too.

So, here is what I have read this Summer:

Love Your God with All Your Mind by JP Moreland. This is now a classic for me. If I had read this book back in my twenties, I imagine so many things that would have fallen into place regarding my faith. Thank you, Mr. Moreland, for providing a book I will return to over and over.

Crunchy Cons by Rod Dreher. Very interesting book on a segment of conservativism and how it plays out in everyday life.

The Glass Castle, a memoir by Jeannette Walls. You absolutely must read this book. It is the true story of one family who did not get 'caught' by Child Protective Services, but should have. The writing is excellent and it will make you laugh, cry and stand in unbelief, all at the same time. Thanks Mom for recommending this one!

Suite Francoise. Still not done. I've enjoyed a peek into France; however, seem to get bogged down. I'll keep on until I finish this one.

The Iliad by Homer. Read about half of it, then re-read parts of it with Budding Author as he studied Ancient Greece. Finished up by watching the movie, Troy. While there are some unnecessary parts to this movie which bothered me, overall it is an interesting portrayal of a possibly fictional event. Budding Author and I keep going back and forth on whether we like the Greeks or the Trojans best... after seeing the movie, I have a new appreciation for the Trojans, poor guys!

The Question of God: C.S. Lewis & Freud in a hypothetical debate. Very interesting read. This will stay on my shelves for our children to explore someday.

The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards. A novel dealing with an ethical choice of a doctor which will haunt him forever. Excellent, quick read.

OK, what else? There were a variety of other library books and several others for our local book club. My memory fails me at the moment.

Humor me, sometimes I need to write about something other than foster care :) If you enjoy a good book with a cup of coffee, let me know what titles I must read this fall!

Days to Remember...

2007-09-11T08:14:00.000-06:00

Not perfect days... just days to put away in the memory box to remember when these 4 little people become adults and venture off. Days to remember when things get quiet around here. Right now, I cannot fathom a quiet day.

Yesterday was rough... Prince Caspian's 2 eye teeth emerged and a previous diaper rash reared an ugly head. He was sad most of the day. As my Mom put it this morning, "You've been through this before as a Mommy of 2 others, so you know that it will soon pass."

And today is a new morning, but challenges remain. Prince Caspian is busy eating crayons, babbling in his special language and wanting to constantly eat! This boy can put away the groceries. I've never seen anything like it!

Meanwhile, Budding Author and Little Mommy are moving along. Little Mommy seems to feel a little left out. Today we moved her doll house down to the living room so that we can all play with her. Budding Author is challenged to get his schoolwork done amidst the chaos. I'm challenged on many levels... organization, patience, clean house, meal preparation, etc.

I would love to hear how your life is going... in fact, I need a breath from outside these four walls. :) Enjoy your day, whomever you are out there!

Update on Little Boy Blue

2007-09-07T14:06:00.001-06:00

This is the very best Friday I've had in weeks... primarily because of Prince Caspian, of course. I love the way he has integrated into our family. He is a trooper... and a pleasure to parent.

As for Little Boy Blue, he has had to relinquish the spotlight for a bit. Today was his visitation with his Mom. The case aide said she was wonderful with him today. She brought an exersaucer and fed him baby food. She made him giggle uncontrollably, too.

We have a new case aide who gave me more information about the visit than I've ever had before. In some ways, this is a good thing. It makes me very happy to know that his Mom is really sincere and wants to have him back. The case aide said she asked many questions about our family. It may be time for me to send a letter back to her, from me. We are still sending the letters from Little Boy Blue. Maybe she needs to hear about our family, a sanitized version for our privacy, of course.

In my heart, I'm really leaving lots of room for flexibility with Little Boy Blue. There is a high likelihood that he will be returned home. The example of Prince Caspian's foster family has given me a new outlook on being a 'bridge' between an old life and a new one. In Little Boy Blue's case, the old life (in utero) and new life are with the same Mommy - just different circumstances and hopefully, a changed heart. I'm a bit more comfortable with it all now. Budding Author loves to hear about Little Boy Blue and his Mommy. In fact, he thinks it will be a wonderful thing if Little Boy Blue gets to go home. Go figure!

Have a great weekend! Thanks for reading along while I ramble!

The Range of Emotions

2007-09-05T16:46:00.000-06:00

Today has been a day to remember! We were all up early, blowing up balloons, making a banner and baking and decorating cupcakes. Of course, the kids were bickering and even hitting one another! Go figure!

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt anxiety settling in... and sweetly, I was reminded of the verse in Philippians that carried me through my tough pregnancy with Little Mommy. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." It is true. And, guess what, I slept like a baby for the rest of the night. That peace that passes all understanding is real and beyond my paltry explanation.

Prince Caspian arrived around 11:30 a.m. We were still signing all of the CPS paperwork. He sat in my lap like a little gentleman. Then we had some lunch and as Budding Author put it "began partying." Cupcakes from head to toe for Prince Caspian... and play, play, play! We unpacked his toys and put them in with ours.

Nap was difficult... probably the most difficult I've ever attempted with our kiddos. He cried unless someone was in the room with him. Finally, my hubby had the idea for me to lay on the floor by the bed. So, I lay with my eyes closed next to the bed. And, finally, precious baby lay down and closed his eyes.

He will grieve for his foster family; of this, I'm sure. They are dear people and loved him immensely. May we have that 'peace that passes all understanding' as we patiently comfort him and wait for the little boy to bloom where he has been planted.

A Magical Weekend

2007-09-03T14:38:00.000-06:00

It went by very quickly, our time with Prince Caspian. And, now, I'm sitting here trying to remember every detail of his little face. Hubby just left to take him back to his foster home. This really does not make sense; he spent the night at our house last night and now he goes back to his foster home for two days. It seems like this is counterproductive when the ultimate goal is a smooth transition. Again, I must remind myself that these are the rules, this is the way it is to be done and we are just participants.

Saturday we took Little Mommy and Budding Author to meet their new brother. It was love at first sight for them. We also found out why our family was chosen for Prince Caspian... because our family parallels his foster family in many ways. Both families have older siblings, both families are active, both families are Christian... great reasons. We will certainly emphasize the sibling reason for Little Mommy and Budding Author. What a very personal thing for both of them!

We took all of the kiddos (including Little Boy Blue) to a playground and carousel. Then we all went to Olive Garden. Prince Caspian is a wonderful, mild-mannered baby. His foster family has taught him wonderful manners. And, did I mention his beautiful smile? We love him.

We returned Prince Caspian to his foster home Saturday evening and picked him up Sunday morning for our overnight slumber party at our home. On the way home, we stopped by to see one set of grandparents. What fun! It couldn't have gone better!!

Prince Caspian seemed very comfortable at our home. He met the dogs, cat, goats and chickens. He slept in his new bed, he played with his new toys, he loved on all of us. We are blessed beyond measure. Our only challenge: our 12-year old schnauzer has issues with our toddling Prince Caspian. She has already been a loose cannon - snapping at our kids and once biting Little Mommy in the face. We must find a new home for her; a home where she can thrive in her last years. If anyone who reads this is interested or can help us find her a great place, please post or contact me.

Here is the Terrific Trio walking down our very own Long & Winding Driveway:

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Ecclesiastes 4:12

Sometimes I have to pinch myself ... this is REALLY happening! Blessings to you on this celebratory day!